A CONVERSATION WITH MY YOUNGER SELF

CURRENT ME: Hey, great to see you!

YOUNGER ME: This is really weird.

CURRENT ME: Definitely.

YOUNGER ME: So, what am I supposed to do? Just like ask you stuff?

CURRENT ME: Sure! What do you wanna know?

YOUNGER ME: Um, I guess I want to know if we’re happy.

CURRENT ME: Sometimes! But no one is happy all the time.

YOUNGER ME: Yeah, sure, but are we like happy-er?

CURRENT ME: Yes. Mostly because we like ourselves more. We aren’t so nervous all the time. It’s easier to just exist in the world. 

YOUNGER ME: Finding it less hard to exist isn’t the same thing as being happy.

CURRENT ME: I disagree.  

YOUNGER ME: Whatever. Are we successful?          

CURRENT ME: How would you define successful?

YOUNGER ME: Oh my god. I don’t know! Do we write on TV shows?

CURRENT ME: No. But we do write professionally.

YOUNGER ME: That’s cool! So, we like “made it?”

CURRENT ME: Well….The entertainment industry is a fickle beast. We don’t feel safe or secure in our career. But we have done some really awesome stuff and hope to keep getting to do stuff but, like, you never know.

YOUNGER ME: …. Do we have money?

CURRENT ME: For now!         

YOUNGER ME: Okay, this is stressing me out. Are we at least married?

CURRENT ME: We were engaged. But he left.

YOUNGER ME: He left???

CURRENT ME: Yeah. It was a whole thing, but you spent a lot of time and effort healing and now you’re in love with someone else.

YOUNGER ME: How do we know he won’t leave?

CURRENT ME: We don’t. It’s a risk. But I decided it was worth it.

YOUNGER ME: What about mental health stuff? Is the OCD gone?

CURRENT ME: Oh, no! We still struggle every single day. But we have better tools and more self-compassion, which helps a lot.

YOUNGER ME: I’m not really feeling very encouraged after this conversation.

CURRENT ME: We have two dogs!    

YOUNGER ME: Oh, that’s good!

CURRENT ME: But one of them is more like a cat. And is pretty withholding.

YOUNGER ME: My own dog doesn’t like me???

CURRENT ME: She loves you! It’s just different than you thought it would be.       

YOUNGER ME: It sounds like everything is different than I thought it would be.

CURRENT ME: Yeah. It is. But, no offense, you tend to view things in black and white. And I’ve had to learn to live in the gray.

YOUNGER ME: Isn’t that uncomfortable? It sounds awful.

CURRENT ME: Some days I hate it. But most days it actually makes it easier for me to navigate everything. I’m not putting pressure on myself for everything to be perfect.

YOUNGER ME: I don’t need things to be perfect. I just want them to be stable.

CURRENT ME: Good luck with that!

YOUNGER ME: Why is that such a big ask?!

CURRENT ME: Because so much of life is out of your control. Mentally, though, you’re much more stable. And that’s pretty exciting.  

YOUNGER ME: I guess that’s something. Do I finally feel like an adult?

CURRENT ME: Ha! No. But I’m starting to suspect no one really does.

YOUNGER ME: I really don’t know how to feel after this conversation. It sounds like nothing is figured out at all and you’re already pretty old.

CURRENT ME: Think of it this way: If I can enjoy my life without everything being figured out, with so much instability, isn’t that a sign that things work out? Because even if my circumstances change, I know that I can trust and value myself and isn’t that the most anyone can hope for?

YOUNGER ME: Yeah…I don’t think so.

CURRENT ME: One day you will.