AM I ALLOWED TO LIKE MYSELF?

TW: Anti-fat bias, weight gain

Last week I got a physical and the first thing they did was put me on a scale. I watched as the electronic screen showed that I had gained even more weight. As the new number hit my brain, I waited for the self-hatred to come. I even braced myself for it. But instead of being consumed with shame, disgust and deep desire to starve myself, I found myself thinking, “Huh, maybe it’s because I’m wearing all my clothes.” My new weight, while momentarily upsetting, didn’t ruin my day or even my morning.

This reaction, or lack-thereof, is the opposite of how most of us have been conditioned. As a 34-year-old I grew up in the height of anti-fat bias and see it continue to consume so many people I care about. And this desire to be better to do better doesn’t stop with weight. It’s in all the anti-aging products and messaging that abound on TikTok. It’s in all the seemingly casual conversations people have about their flaws and weaknesses. It’s baked into “wellness culture,” which could just as easily be called “improvement culture.”

So, given this context, it feels strange to have arrived at a place where I like myself. Where I don’t feel consumed by a desire to change. Where I don’t feel like I am lacking in some fundamental way that should make me miserable 90% of the time. Liking myself seems so at odds with how society makes us feel, I’ve almost started to wonder if something is wrong with me.