FROM ANONYMOUS: A guy I’m dating isn’t “conventionally good looking” but I’m still attracted to him and we have really great chemistry. However every few dates I notice new features about him that are unattractive (his teeth, his weight, his hair etc) and I spend the rest of the date thinking about that feature and whether it affects my attraction and also how my friends will perceive him as a result. This stops me from having a good time on the date because I’m so focused on his physical features. How do I get out of my head and stop worrying about what he looks like and focus instead on the person that he is (because I do think he’s great!)?
When I first got this question in my inbox, I panicked a little bit. My initial instinct was to shout, “looks don’t matter!” and avoid this uncomfortable topic. But one of the things I’ve realized is that we can’t just ignore the parts of society we don’t like and pretend they don’t exist. And one of the realities of our culture is a hyper-fixation on physical appearance. So how do I unpack a conundrum like this given both the legitimacy and delicateness of the situation? I don’t know for sure, but I’m going to take a two-pronged approach.
The first prong has to do with our relationship to societal beauty standards. It’s important to note that what is deemed “attractive” in our culture and what you personally find to be attractive is (most likely) not a perfect overlap. And that’s a wonderful thing considering how narrow mainstream beauty standards are (*cough cough* white, thin and flawless). What does matter is whether you find your partner attractive. Anonymous clearly finds their partner attractive, so the issue here seems to be him not falling into traditional standards of beauty. This leads us to an important opportunity for self-exploration. Ask yourself the following questions: Why does it matter to you if your partner isn’t “traditionally” attractive? What would it reveal about you if your partner was unconventional looking? Are you worried about other people judging you for your partner selection? If so, why do you care? Why would they care? Do you think your partner holds less value in the world because of the way their teeth look? I know these are deeply uncomfortable questions, but in order to unpack harmful societal messaging we often have to get uncomfortable with ourselves. I would recommend initiating a conversation with yourself around these topics when you have some down time and see what comes up. Maybe you’ll realize that you do think attractiveness increases someone’s worth as a human. And maybe you’ll decide that’s an okay worldview to have. Or maybe this outlook doesn’t align with the rest of your values, and you’ll do some work to change your own mind. If you do decide to try to dismantle your previous way of thinking, give yourself the grace for it to take some time. We can’t change anyone’s long-held opinions overnight—even our own.