TLDR: How do I tell if I’m ready to move on? I got dumped a few weeks ago but I feel like I am ready to put myself out there again. I started seeing someone new but I still think about my ex all the time. I can’t tell if I’m not ready to start dating again or if I just haven’t met the right person yet!
Hi Allison! I loved your book and everything you’ve put out over the years! You’re so strong and resilient and I feel really lucky to have you to look up to! Congratulations on your engagement! Thanks for the emotional support! <3
Ok so I recently changed careers and went back to school, and I just graduated a month ago! While I was in school I fell in love with a girl in my program. She was the most beautiful person I had ever seen and she was also the funniest person I’d ever meet. I got up the courage to tell her that I liked her and she said that she liked me back but that she wasn’t in a good place to be in a relationship. Her mom was recently diagnosed with brain cancer, and she also has a pretty avoidant attachment style. I probably should have just taken her at her word and taken a step back and just been a good friend to her… But I didn’t! Like a fool I just fell more and more in love with her and finally convinced her to be my girlfriend… Lesson learned. It’s never a good sign when you have to convince someone to be with you! A couple of weeks after we graduated she dumped me and said she wasn’t ready to be as serious as I was. I mean it makes perfect sense! She said she wasn’t interested in a long-term relationship and she was true to her word! It’s my fault for thinking that I could somehow change her mind.
Anyways I have done a lot of crying and journaling about this and started feeling like I’m ready to meet someone that is a better fit me! I started seeing someone I met on Hinge and we’ve gone on about 5 or 6 dates. She’s really nice, funny, and super cute! She likes similar music as me, we both really like comedy, and she’s close with her family! All of which are very important to me! It’s been fun getting to know her and I like spending time with her. But to be honest I can’t stop thinking about my ex! Even though I don’t think she was the best match for me, I felt so alive when I was with her! I felt like I could spend forever with her and we would never run out of things to talk about. I like spending time with this new girl but I just haven’t felt the same butterflies I felt in the past.
It has been really hard for me to tell if the new girl I have been seeing is just not the right fit for me, and I should keep looking for someone that I feel more of a spark with, OR is that spark something that can grow overtime? Or am I just totally not ready to be in a relationship and I should focus on growing and loving myself before I drag someone else into my life? Any and all advice would be appreciated!
Much love,
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Everything you’ve shared here is deeply relatable. I can only imagine how many of us wish there was a way to plug our brains into a computer and run a system’s check to determine if we are “ready” to move on or not. Or even better, if there was a way to a plug a potential partner into the same computer to see if we irrefutably like them “enough” to move forward or if our compatibility is below the required, measurable amount. Unfortunately, nothing about the heart is easily quantifiable. So how do we navigate something so murky?