Hi Allison,
I’m a twenty something who is navigating the post-grad school life amid a pandemic. The pandemic, for me and others, has been extremely lonely and isolating. From 2020-2021, I finished school, moved into the city, ended a relationship of 8 years and began a new one (that’s been going on for a year now). I feel like I’m entering a new period of stability in my life with a new job, new apartment, and awesome partner, but there is a distinct part missing.
I don’t have friends! I’ve never had friends. through grade school I faced bullying at the hands of people who called themselves my friends, and as a result have trouble getting close to anyone in a non-intimate sense. I don’t have friends, but I’ve had boyfriends. Romantic love makes sense to me and platonic love doesn’t.
I made it through college and grad school without really meeting anyone who has stuck in my life. Most of my hobbies keep me at home (and I think I’ve developed a bit of agoraphobia in the last 2 yrs). I don’t know how to meet anyone! And once I do meet someone, I feel like I need to be, like, socialized onto how to have friends? How do I allow myself to trust other people, what the hell does a healthy friendship look like in practice?? And honestly, do I need friends? Do I just need to be more comfortable with myself? Is that the answer? I hope not.
Sincerely,
Real Lonely
Dear Real Lonely,
As someone who has historically struggled to maintain and feel comfortable in friendships, I saw a lot of myself in your email. Part of what makes it hard to navigate this type of relationship is that friendships come in so many different forms, which can be anxiety-provoking. How can you know if you’re doing it “right” when there are so many ways to do it? Allowing myself to have a much broader definition of friendship has let me feel more comfortable these past few years. But notice that I say, “more comfortable” and not comfortable--because friendship is still a tricky terrain for me.