Dear Allison,
I have been in therapy for nearly two years now for anxiety issues. One of the sources of my anxiety seems to be a difficulty with setting boundaries in professional and personal life. Before I went to therapy, I was dealing with working long hours, taking on ad-hoc projects, picking up slack for colleagues who were unavailable, and generally working without taking time off to be with family and care for myself.
With the help of my therapist, I have been able to work on setting boundaries by managing my tendency to people-please and take responsibility for the feelings/reactions of others.
I can identify the root cause of my problem - low self-esteem and difficulties in meeting my own needs. My therapist tells me that I need to take time to identify my own needs, communicate them and stop taking responsibility for others' issues/outcomes. I have started doing it by keeping journals, discussing my needs with family members and work colleagues, etc.
However, I feel both guilty and anxious when I communicate my needs and get pushback when I decline additional responsibilities or sudden demands on my time. I know that it's normal to feel discomfort when you change habits or form new ones, but I still struggle with placing my needs above others', and defending them.
I know that I need to be more understanding of myself and practice self-compassion, but I judge myself for having needs. It feels like one part of me says "What do YOU know?", when the other part tries to say that my needs are valid and important just as much as others'. How do I practice self-compassion when I don't like myself enough to trust myself?
Sorry if this seems vague, as I am trying to explain a general mindset that is reflected in a lot of my personal and professional decision-making.
You have written a lot about improving your relationship with yourself, and learning to like yourself. How did you learn to practice self-compassion while managing self-hatred?
Thanks,
A big fan of your work!
Dear Big Fan (thank you!),
I think you have touched on one of the million-dollar questions, which is: how do you give yourself something you’re not even sure you deserve? For me, it was learning how to believe something without having proof that it was undeniably true. Because when you struggle with low self-esteem and an anxious mind, you will always be able to come up with reasons for why you don’t deserve to treat yourself with compassion. So, my initial piece of advice is to stop yourself from even allowing yourself to engage in that argument in the first place.