Hi Allison,
It’s so surreal being in the stage of life now that you were when I first started following you and your content. I really and truly have grown up with the two of you, and I’ve really benefited from hearing all the thoughtful guidance and advice you have given me over the years.
After fourteen years with her, my dog Elphie sadly passed away a couple of weeks ago. She was the sweetest dog in the world, and I’m absolutely gutted without her. But losing Elphie has brought forth a lot of complicated emotions, in addition to the sadness that I feel. I have contamination OCD, and dogs and other animals have been/are a big trigger for me. I feel really guilty about the years of my life that were spent being afraid to touch her. I was talking to a friend about how sad I was that she had passed away, and he said, “really? Wow, I thought she had always bothered you.” And that really hit me like a punch in the stomach.
In addition, losing Elphie has, sort of for the first time, really made me confront the fact that my childhood is over and that it’s a part of my life that I’ll never get to access again. The same day she died, my parents sold my childhood home, and so now in addition to grieving the physical loss of her, I’m also mourning the loss of my last connection to that part of my life.
My question is, how do I work through my feelings of guilt and unease surrounding her death? I feel guilty about feeling guilty, anxious that it’s not how someone is “supposed to” feel when their dog dies, all on top of a whole big layer cake of sadness.
Give Sugar and Phantom a love for me.
Your friend, Abram (he/him)
From Utah
Dear Abram,
I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a pet can be one of the hardest experiences out there—despite society’s lack of emphasis on it. Pets are a part of our families and a huge component of our day-to-day lives. My parents recently had to put their dog down and it was the only time my mother and my sister ever saw my father cry. (I cried quite a bit, too, despite being across the country.) So, I want to start by honoring your grief. We rarely give people the same space and time to grieve a pet as we do a lost friend or family member, but the truth is that pets often fill both those roles in our lives. Why wouldn’t the impact of that loss hit just as deeply? Not to mention how caring for a pet gives our life a steady routine that is stripped away the moment they are no longer with us. Suddenly we are confronted with multiple daily reminders of their absence and that pain can often feel intolerable. In times like these, I love to turn to the Jewish expression, “May their memory be a blessing.” It is a reminder that even though our loved one is no longer with us, we can choose to carry on all the good memories of them and keep their spirit alive. And it sounds like Elphie filled you with good memories. Perhaps tapping into specific memories of her sweetness can help light up your darker moments--even if doing so stings a bit at first.