Hi Emotional Support Lady!
Abby (24 F) from WA. I am two weeks out of a really intense, hard, but also mostly mutual break up. My ex (25 M) and I met in undergrad, where he was interested in pursuing me almost the entire time. I was very insecure and had never dated, so we were friends for three years (in a friend group) before we made the jump to date. Before agreeing to start the relationship, he promised me he would never hurt me, would always put in everything to make this work, and communicate (promises of a 21-year-old in love - I know). We ended up moving in together a year into dating because we both got accepted into the same university for our Masters. Well, almost three years later he absolutely loathes his program, hates his future career trajectory, became depressed, and overall has neglected me and our relationship in the past year.
I was obviously no peach either. My anxiety about our relationship and his effort caused me to lash out in arguments. I have GAD. [Generalized Anxiety Disorder] It was a cycle of heated arguments, threatening to leave one another, then reconciling all within like, 12 hours. This had gone on for our entire relationship at least once a week. I KNOW things were not good and that we were not helping each other. But - when we were good and having fun and being loving, it was like heroin. I had never felt so loved by him when he cared for me after getting my wisdom teeth removed.
Back to present - I left in the middle of the night during a fight to my parents because I knew if I stayed the cycle would just continue. How do I get over this person who has been my best friend for many years, and was my first love and sexual experience. I know he is struggling right now, but he doesn’t have the capability to be a good partner right now. And I don’t know if I do either honestly…
How do I get over these intense feelings of guilt, shame, rejection and overall heartbreak?
Thank you for all you do. Your content has been such a lifeline for me lately.
TLDR; Friends for 6 years, dated for 3 - both our first serious relationship. Had to end it because we were both making each other miserable, but still, I hold a lot of love for him. Trying to move on and don’t know how it’s possible.
Abby
Dear Abby,
As no stranger to heartbreak, I first want to say congratulations. I know that might sound weird, but you have survived something hard and awful. You did what was right for you even though it wasn’t easy or clear cut. That is something to be proud of, even if you feel too hurt to see that right now.
Reading your letter made me think of all the different parents on the Bachelor and Bachelorette--bear with me—who endlessly worry to the camera about their children getting their hearts broken. I understand why they don’t want their child to feel pain, but heartbreak is a part of life. Sure, there are some people out there who might only ever fall in love once before dying in each other’s arms, but it’s definitely too small a group to be statistically significant. (Can you tell I took three weeks of Research Methods before withdrawing?) For most of us, heartbreak is a big part of our journey in discovering who we are and what we want out of life. It’s awful, but it’s also character shaping when we let it be.