Hi Allison,
Thanks so much for your wise column. I'm in a bit of a tangle at the moment, and I hope you might have some insight into it.
I’d been getting mixed signals from a guy I’d met through work, and I started playing in a mixed gender football group with him. Every week he would hang back after the match to talk to me, compliment me on how I’d played etc, and so I started to have feelings for him, thinking he liked me. Weeks went by and nothing really went beyond that, but my feelings grew. So I asked him to hang out, and he said yes, eagerly. On the (3 hour long) hangout, I said I was enjoying myself but that I wasn’t sure what the vibe was. He said he’d been dating another girl from football for a few months.
Now we seem to be becoming fast friends, and are arranging more one-on-one hangouts. But my feelings haven’t gone away, because they had been so tempted by the mixed signals over so many weeks (if I’d known he wasn’t single, I know I wouldn’t have developed such a crush). He’s still really eager to be my friend.
I think this friendship is based on dishonesty, since part of me is playing the long game and wondering if anything will ever happen. Do I say something to him - find out if I had been inventing the mixed signals, or if there was something real behind it? Or do I just stop hanging out with him, even though I enjoy it so much because we have a great connection? I feel I know the answer to this question, which is that I have to ask him to draw the line because I don’t have enough self control to stop hanging out with someone I like. But what if it makes it awkward at football? What would you do?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I’ll begin with the disclosure that even though I write an advice column and have been answering advice questions on YouTube and my podcast FOR YEARS, I still struggle with the concept of definitively telling someone what to do. That’s why I love that you ended your email with the question, “What would you do?” instead of “What should I do?” This gives me the freedom to comfortably tell you exactly how I would tackle this sticky situation. And if any of it seems appealing/doable, feel free to copy!
1) I would start off by asking myself if this is even a person I would want to date? He is clearly someone who can hang out with another person for hours and hours without mentioning his current partner. I want to be with someone who incorporates their partner more into their life and friendships than this person seems willing or capable of doing. So maybe he isn’t even the right choice for me in the first place.