Ask Allison!

Is It Okay to Still Think About My Ex?

Hi Emotional Support Lady,

It’s been 1.5 years after a breakup and I’ve been in a new relationship for about 1.2 months of that time. The last relationship wasn’t healthy or at all what I needed. It started with that first-love-addictive feeling but it was an emotional rollercoaster of constant fighting and crying for 4 years until it kind of just faded into a constant buzz of being… ok? He suffered from his own mental health issues which fueled my anxiety, making me a partner/person that I wasn’t/am not proud of. He was the one who left me and it was a bad breakup. My ex and I got together in university and he was my first serious relationship.

I got into this new relationship pretty quickly afterwards and it’s also been a journey. I started dating pretty quickly afterwards to honestly just see if I could care and be excited to meet someone else, and it ended up in a long-term relationship. This new relationship has taught me so many healthy and important things about what I actually need, even helping me heal from the previous one.

I love my new partner but I still find my mind moving to thoughts of – how is my old partner doing? Does he still think about me? Did it hurt him as much as me? Did I get into a new relationship too early? Is it ok for me to have these thoughts over a year post-breakup?! I’ve let go of a lot of the anger and resentment, even feeling happy that his life is still progressing sometimes.

Is that normal?? I feel like I still have love for my ex even though I know the relationship isn’t what I needed/wouldn’t satisfy me now and I know I don’t know who he even is anymore ++ I feel guilty for feeling these things when I love my current partner and a little ashamed that the experience is not irrelevant to me yet.

Pronouns: she/her

From,

Anonymous

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Ugh side note – I have a lot of relationship anxiety (listened to that podcast episode like 3x and shared with all my friends) thinking through a lot of hypotheticals but trying to focus on the present moment and the good enough relationship to combat this. Your book could not come at a better time!!!!

Dear Anonymous,

As someone who started dating their current partner three months after a broken engagement, saying your struggle resonates with me would be an understatement. For the first few months of my relationship, I thought about my ex constantly. My life had been turned upside down and I was still adjusting to my new reality. While I felt bad that I couldn’t be solely focused on building my new partnership, I knew that those feelings made sense and appreciated John so much for helping me process them. What’s been a bit trickier to navigate is the feelings that still linger now, over a year and a half later.