BEING (IM)POLITE

There are certain moments in movies, TV shows and books that stay with you. And one of the big ones for me was during the American version of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Daniel Craig’s character is trapped in the bad guy’s house, which he entered into willingly mere moments before. The bad guy then says something along the lines of, “You knew I was dangerous, but you still came inside because you are afraid of being impolite.” And while the situation in the movie was heightened from most people’s day-to-day (thank goodness!), the sentiment is true for so many of us. Our fear of being rude or perceived as rude can prevent us from doing what we need to do to properly care for ourselves.

I want to preface what I’m going to say next by stating that I am someone who genuinely loves being polite. I always say please and thank you and I do my best to make other people feel heard and respected. I would rather pretend to be interested in someone’s boring story than let them worry they are being boring. Because as much as I value being an individual, I equally value being part of a society. And a facet of being part of a society, for me, is abiding by certain customs and expectations that help things run smoothly and prevent people from feeling offended or hurt. But something I’m realizing is that while I care about being polite, sometimes the “polite” choice isn’t the right choice--or even all that necessary.

Something that has helped me come to this conclusion is calculating the cost-benefit of different scenarios. For example, the other day I was out with my parents and John and I really had to go to the bathroom. (I had already announced this many times in the car!) As soon as we parked in town, everyone was sort of in their own world and I noticed there was a café with a public restroom. So I bolted for it. There was part of my brain that was shouting, “You should tell them where you are going! Disappearing is rude!” But there was a bigger part of my body that said, “We gotta pee!” I decided during my cost-benefit analysis that them being confused for the moment it took me to text my whereabouts was worth me getting to pee faster.

I totally understand if this example seems silly, but as someone with anxiety and OCD I have lived in fear of being rude my entire life. Even such a small transgression felt like a breakthrough. It allowed me to experience the thrill of putting my own needs first and prove to myself that the fallout was minimal/non-existent. No one was mad at me for quickly disappearing and they understood why I did what I did.

The success of this outcome led me to my next experiment in breaking the “rules” of politeness when a few days later I did something I normally wouldn’t have had the guts to do. I asked John if I could eat my dinner in my office instead of together because I had an online class soon and wanted to stay in the same space. I felt nervous I might offend him—since we always eat together when we’re both home--but asking for what I wanted in that moment on a long day with a three-hour class ahead of me seemed worth the risk. And guess what? He totally understood after I explained my reasoning and he got to eat his dinner outside, which is something I don’t really like to do! A true win-win. That’s when it really hit me that there is a difference between being “impolite” without explanation and taking the time to explain why you are breaking the established “rules.” It’s possible to both put your needs first and make the other people involved feel respected when you are direct about your decision-making process.

Unfortunately, there are always going to be some people who won’t understand your decision even if you take the time to explain it. I’m thinking about those people who pressure you to stay out despite learning you have an early morning obligation and act offended that you would leave before they give you the okay. Or someone who asks to stay at your house while they’re in town and can’t believe it when you explain why that plan won’t work for you. The risk of not always choosing the “polite” option is that it’s going to ruffle some feathers. And knowing that can cause discomfort where we wonder if we are a “bad” friend/family member/partner/acquaintance…the list goes on.  But that’s where my cost-benefit strategy comes in. Is it worth it to have someone stay in my house during an inconvenient time so I can feel confident in my politeness? Is it worth it to be super tired on an important day so someone isn’t momentarily annoyed with me?  Not really!

My newfound rebellion isn’t a total rejection of politeness. But it is a reorganization of my priorities. I still want to pick the polite option when the cost isn’t too high. I will wait an extra 30 seconds to hold the door for someone. I will read the article I don’t want to read because someone I cared about sent it to me. But I won’t put politeness above my own well-being. Because doing so can be dangerous--as I learned from that movie so many years ago. 

xoxo,

Allison