Last week, I logged onto my telehealth therapy session with the intention of coming up with a game plan for the next few months. Within 20 minutes, I felt a huge sense of relief because we had both decided that this would be my last session (for now). Is it weird that a mental health advocate who thinks everyone could benefit from therapy is so happy to no longer be in treatment? Maybe a little. But one of the biggest takeaways I’ve learned from my master’s program is that therapy is a tool. It’s not a life sentence. And a big part of my growth has been figuring out when therapy is beneficial to me versus when therapy is a strain on my life. And I realized in that session that the best thing I could do for myself is take a break.
Taking breaks from therapy isn’t new for me, but what is different is feeling more confident in the way I navigate them. I used to fear talking to therapists about taking breaks or trying a new type of treatment with someone else. I thought it would be a personal affront to them and I was worried about hurting their feelings. Now I know that therapists are not supposed to take this kind of stuff personally. That is what is so beautiful about the therapeutic relationship. While the therapeutic alliance is the single most important part of the whole process and your connection should be collaborative, you don’t have to tend to your therapist’s feelings in the way you would in any other relationship. You don’t have to worry about offending them or think about what’s best for them. They are there to help you. And often the mere practice of having a difficult conversation with your therapist helps you navigate tough conversations in the real world. The experience of having the “I want to stop” conversation is often a learning moment in and of itself. This also applies to talking to your therapist not just about pausing or ending treatment, but also disclosing if something isn’t working for you or if you want more of a clear treatment plan than they are currently providing. Speaking up in therapy helps you learn how to speak up everywhere!
Despite my confidence in the decision, my reasons for pausing therapy this time around are complicated, which is why I needed my therapist’s help pulling the plug. For the past few months, I have been doing Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy for my OCD. My goal was to get my contamination OCD under better control and return to pre-pandemic levels of functioning. (I picked up quite a few new compulsions during these last two years, which makes sense because the CDC encouraged me to!) I also wanted to prevent my OCD from interfering with my relationship. Did I accomplish all my goals before pausing therapy? Not even close! As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve found ERP to be extremely challenging and as a result didn’t have the desire to go about it in the traditional way.
In lieu of systematically moving through my fear hierarchy and exposing myself to specific fears over and over again, my therapist helped me take a broader approach. We didn’t focus on getting rid of this compulsion followed by that compulsion. Instead, she helped me change how I approach, think about, and understand my OCD. Despite living with this disorder for most of my life, working with an OCD specialist helped me realize that I still had so much to learn about how OCD works and how it sustains itself. Even though I didn’t reach all the specific goals I had for myself at the start of treatment, I do feel significantly changed. And I have far more tools in my toolbox than before. And one of those tools is being better at recognizing when I have the willingness to fight my compulsions. Some days I can push myself and some days what I really need is self-compassion and the reminder that tomorrow is another day.
Another important factor was realizing that right now I don’t have the mental energy to do full-blown exposure work. I’m juggling a lot of career obligations, including a new book, along with rehabbing my knee and finishing up school. My plate already feels like it might topple over. Adding therapy once a week plus the subsequent exposure homework seems like a possible recipe for disaster. As someone who was forced to go to therapy as a kid, I know that it’s always better for me when it feels like an active choice instead of an obligation or burden. My therapist also pointed out that with the high financial cost of therapy, it makes more sense to spend my money on ERP when I have the capacity to give it the time and energy it deserves instead of just plowing along because I think I “should.” And I was currently coming from a place of “should” instead of a genuine desire to do the work. This distinction doesn’t make me a failure in the current moment, as much as that one voice in my head likes to suggest, it makes me practical and in tune with myself and what I have to give at the moment.
The final push came from another big realization. As much as my OCD is annoying and exhausting and I wish it didn’t exist, it is not currently interfering with my life in such a way that it would be harmful to not address it with the help of a professional. There have been times in my life when I needed therapy in order to survive or thrive. But I’m happy to announce that right now is not one of those times. The work I have been doing has placed me in a better position to handle my OCD and I am currently in a place of acceptance. I have contamination OCD and that is okay. I don’t need to spend all my energy all day every day trying to fight it. Will there be a time when I feel differently? Probably! But trying to force myself to get to that place isn’t serving me at the moment. Instead, I am going to take a break from therapy until something changes and I either need or want it again.
Not being in therapy doesn’t mean I won’t continue to focus on my mental health. Taking care of my internal world is still my main priority. I just feel equipped to do it right now without supervision. I am still medicated, and I do a lot of cognitive work throughout the day to help myself. Now that my knee is getting better, I have also started to go for long bike rides that will undoubtedly help the neurons in my brain. And I continue to prioritize sleep and rest. This isn’t a break from taking care of myself. This is me realizing that the best way to take care of myself right now is to take a break. Even just calling it a break is important because it reminds me that I am not done with therapy forever. I am simply in one of those phases without it. Plus, being more flexible about my participation in therapy helps me be more flexible in all areas of my life. It helps remind me that I am forever changing and, as such, my needs will change too. And it helps to know that whenever I am ready to start again, my therapist will be waiting with open arms and unconditional understanding, which is also something I can provide myself in the meantime.
xoxo,
Allison
This is such a healthy attitude. I recently stopped therapy, and one of the reasons I felt ok to do that was knowing I could always go back. I am actually having a bonus session with my therapist tomorrow after a particularly tricky couple of months, and I also know I won't need more because of the groundwork I have set.
Oh man the part about the CDC is so relatable. Covid has been such a trip for my contamination ocd. It's almost been affirming.. like see you guys, germs are bad! It's going to take a lot of work to get back to pre pandemic levels for me.