FINDING (AND DEFINING) MY PURPOSE

My eighth grade science teacher once asked us something like, “What do you think is the meaning of life?” And being a precocious 13 year old, I was proud to instantly know the answer. Eighth grade Allison was certain that the meaning of life was to be happy. I was so certain in fact, that it was shocking when my teacher didn’t agree with me. But what other purpose could there be other than to feel joy and be happy? In a world full of so many bad things, isn’t the goal to strive for inner peace and pockets of pleasure?

Now that I’m 32, I’m no longer so sure. I still strive to be happy, but I think hyper-fixating on happiness as the ultimate goal in all situations isn’t the right approach for me. When you think the right way to live is to always be happy it puts a lot of pressure on yourself to work through and process all negative emotions at breakneck speeds. It can make you view tough patches as in conflict with your goal instead of an inevitable part of life. Not to mention that happiness can be elusive. Sometimes it’s hard to figure out what will bring us joy when we’re feeling agitated or down. I’ve spent many an hour not quite knowing what to do with myself or my anxious energy. It can be easy to beat yourself up in those moments. Life is short! Make the most of each moment! Every second counts! On the one hand, I agree that in many ways life is far too short. But it can also sometimes feel long and difficult to fill. I’m realizing that if I don’t know how to make 5-6 PM on a random Thursday memorable or fulfilling, that’s perfectly okay and I’m not failing at life.

Another potential downside of only focusing on happiness is that reality is a lot more complex than that. To fully engage in life, you have to be open to a wide spectrum of emotions, even the ones that make you feel awful. There is nothing worse than sharing your grief or sadness with someone only for them to pressure you to let it go so you can get back on the happy train. I think one of the kindest things we can do for ourselves (and for other people) is to hold space for whatever emotion we are experiencing. To validate that we have every right to feel mad and hurt and all the other emotions that aren’t synonymous with joyful.  We aren’t doing it wrong when we’re not happy. Instead, we are reacting to a world that is never just one thing. The variabilities of our emotions properly reflect the variability of our experiences.

I have let go of happiness as my main goal or purpose. But in doing so, I do find it a bit harder to answer my science teacher’s question. What is the purpose of life? What gives us meaning? Part of me is overwhelmed at the idea of even attempting to answer this question. I know it is not my job to answer this question for all for society, but as an individual I think feeling as though you have a purpose is crucial. It is a guiding light in a world where there are endless choices and countless routes for your life to take. If I don’t have something to tether myself to, I might get swept away. Or, even more likely, focused on the wrong thing. So, what specific purpose have I swapped in to replace the endless pursuit of happiness? That’s a great question that I don’t fully know the answer to just yet.

My first instinct was simply “to be a good person,” but the word good is a little too charged to feel useful. Who defines good? How good do I have to be for it to be my defining characteristic? Does my goodness depend on other people’s perception of me? What if there are moments when I am “bad?” Do I have to do a bunch of volunteer work to make up for it? This line of thinking made me realize I might need to have broader definition of purpose. And, for right now at least, I think my working definition is living a life attuned with my values. I want to be someone whose actions reflect what I care about. And what I care about includes my family, my friends, my community, animals, humor, mental health advocacy, creativity--the list goes on. If I look at the “purpose” of my life as an avenue to build up and support those things, I feel as though I have direction without being too stuck. There is still a lot of flexibility in my day-to-day. Suddenly, writing this blog, playing with my dogs and calling my sister all fit within my definition of purpose. Through this lens, I can find as much value in spending a day with my nieces as I do when I have professional success. It allows the various parts of me to equally matter, which is a relief.

I’m sure, like most things, my thoughts around all of this will change with time. But by taking the onus off of always feeling happy, I have opened myself up to a richer existence. I still highly value happiness and seek it out, but I no longer feel like a failure for the times it slips through my fingers. I don’t have to have fun on New Year’s Eve. I don’t need to make the most of every weekend. But I would like to live the kind of life that feels true to what I care about. Even if the details of what I care about are as variable as my emotions.

xoxo,

Allison