TW: Suicidal Ideation
My mental health journey has brought about a variety of changes in the last few years, but the most significant one is that I no longer want to die. When things get tough or painful my mind doesn’t immediately long for death. This is in direct contrast to most of my life when thoughts of ending things were not shocking but commonplace, even though I never acted on them. While I’m proud of the progress (and medication) that has gotten me to this place, having a better relationship with life has had one uncomfortable side effect: I am now terrified to die.
To be fair, my fear of death isn’t totally new. I vaguely remember being a kid and not being able to sleep whenever I thought about it. The idea that all of this just ends is almost too scary and depressing to allow myself to think about--even as an adult. So instead of trying to come to terms with the idea that some day I will die and that will be the complete end to my consciousness, I have taken a different route. I have made the choice to believe in an afterlife. You might be wondering if my decision to believe in the afterlife is simply me avoiding the stark realties of death. And to that I say the following: 1) absolutely and 2) who cares.
Humans have always looked for the existence of a higher power. We have relentlessly tried to make sense of the world and our purpose in it through a variety of avenues. Yet, for a long time, therapy and spirituality were seen as two distinct ways of approaching this thing called life. Only more recently have mental health professionals started to embrace and invite people’s religion and spirituality into the therapy room. Learning about this unlikely yet clever union has made me feel more comfortable with my decision to work on myself in this life while allowing myself the comfort that comes from choosing to believe there is more later.
Because here is the thing: no one actually knows what happens after we die. So why should I force myself to accept that there is nothing when there is just as much proof of nothing as there is of something? Just so I can say I looked discomfort in the face and embraced acceptance? Sorry, but I already do that enough with things I actually know to be true. Why should I bend over backwards to “accept” death is the end of things if that makes me feel bad and doesn’t help my day-to-day life in any way? I guess it would make me an excellent client of existential therapy but that’s not on my long list of things I want to spend my time accomplishing.
Choosing to believe in the afterlife is a coping skill. It’s something that calms me when fears of death start to creep their way into my newly life-affirming brain. But, so far, I haven’t seen any fallout for allowing myself this simple comfort. I haven’t stopped engaging with life. I haven’t distanced myself from people who are alive to communicate with people who are dead. I haven’t given myself strict orders to behave a certain way in order to get accepted into heaven and avoid hell. My idea of the afterlife isn’t even fully formed. I don’t believe in a clear system that separates people based on their actions on Earth. I don’t believe in anything other than the existence of something. And what that something is beats me. All I need is the absence of nothing.
Famed comedian Betty White wasn’t afraid of death because she believed it would reunite her with her late husband. Your initial reaction to hearing something like that might be, “That’s not true, Betty! Death is the end of consciousness, and your husband no longer exists!” And maybe you are right. But we don’t really know for sure. There is just as much a chance that Betty is sipping tea with her husband in a different plane of existence right now as there is of anything else. So why not let her believe that? There are some thoughts that are destructive because they either cause harm to the thinker, cause harm to other people and/or make it difficult for the thinker to connect with reality. This is not one of those thoughts. Betty embraced life but she was also able to embrace death when the natural time came because of her beliefs. I’m sure there are some people (and therapists) out there who think the better/stronger version of Betty would have died accepting nothing would come next and be at peace with that. I am not one of those people.
I’ll be the first to admit that my spirituality is at odds with my aversion to organized religion. How can I be so assured in my belief that something magical or other worldly exists while rejecting mainstream god(s) and religious doctrines? The simple answer is that being religious doesn’t align with my values but being spiritual does. And in lieu of being able to decipher what the hell is going on when it comes to life, death and purpose, all we can do is figure out what works for us on an individual level. For many people, that is organized religion. For many others, it’s atheism, agnosticism or somewhere in between. It’s less important what you choose and more important how you incorporate that choice into your life and mental health.
My spirituality isn’t at odds with the work I am doing in therapy and in daily life. I don’t think of it as a weakness or a roadblock. It is a part of who I am. I’ll also admit that I’ve been wrong about many things in my life and I might be wrong about the afterlife. But the good news is I don’t have to be “right” about this, I just have to choose to believe. And, for now at least, that is the right choice for me.
xoxo,
Allison
***This blog was originally posted on my Patreon in January, 2022. I’ll be posting some of my favorite old posts every Wednesday!***
Thank you for posting this! So very similar to my own journey with this, very affirming and appreciated :)