FROM THE VAULT:

LET’S TALK ABOUT (MY) EMOTIONS

The other day I woke up grumpy. This isn’t super unusual for me. I tend to have a lot of off-putting dreams and it can put me into a funk as I start the day. But the day in question was a Saturday and my boyfriend had spent the night so I couldn’t just get myself out of it alone. As he woke up in a good mood, I had two options. I could pretend everything was fine or I could fill him in on how I was feeling. In the past, I probably would have gone with the first option. I would have been afraid of being a “downer” so I would have stifled my agitation and faked it. But I’ve learned that keeping my feelings from the people closest to me doesn’t serve them or me. So instead, I loudly announced, “I am grumpy!”

This dramatic declaration allowed me to be honest and it instantly took away some of my grumpiness because we were able to laugh about it. Over the course of the next hour or two, John checked in on my grumpiness level and instead of it being something to tiptoe around, it became a shared bit. I felt closer to him because I didn’t have to hide how I was feeling, and I was better able to process my grumpiness because I didn’t have to suppress it. It turns out that when I give voice to my more negative emotions, they lose some of their power. And I love that for me!

It’s important to clarify that expressing how you are feeling and acting out how you are feeling are two different things. Did I explicitly state that I was feeling grumpy upwards of fifteen times in one morning? Absolutely! But I made sure not to act grumpy toward him. I didn’t give myself a free pass to be rude or hurtful. All I was doing was letting myself share how I was feeling internally. This enabled me to let my emotions pass through me faster than when I try to stifle or deny them. It also allowed me to use one of my all-time favorite coping skills: humor.

Being able to joke about certain emotions is incredibly healing for me. I’ll loudly announce that “I’m stressed” and then punch/kick the air. These “act outs” aren’t a denial of what I am feeling. If anything, they are a physical manifestation of the emotion. They also help me feel more in control. I’m feeling off? Well, instead of internalizing it and burrowing deeper into the negative feeling, I’m going to make silly faces and maybe give a monologue about wanting to punch a pillow. This allows me to be around other people without feeling like I am going to suck them into my bad mood because the bad mood isn’t the one calling the shots: I am. I’m letting people know what’s going on with me while actively showing--through my use of humor and dramatic exaggeration--that I am doing my best to handle it. My emotion is not something to be feared. It is simply something that is happening. And it won’t last forever.

Obviously, there are times when the negative emotion is too big to be handled in this way, and that’s okay too! But getting into the practice of sharing how I am feeling with my loved ones when the emotions aren’t as overwhelming makes it easier to share when they are. Communication is a muscle that gets better with practice. Sharing things like “I’m grumpy” or “I’m stressed” has also made it easier for me to disclose my more shameful emotions.

Like when I nervously told John that when I see his clean clothes touching the outside of his (in my opinion) extremely contaminated luggage it causes me distress. In the past I might have just pointed at the contents of his overnight bag and gone, “That’s disgusting!” And this would have led him to feel attacked. But now I take a feelings-first approach to discussing my OCD. By being able to articulate that the issue is not his behavior (plenty of people have the outside of their luggage touch their clothes—I assume???), but the feelings of distress I experience when I see it, he better understands what is going on with me and is less likely to take it personally. I’ve also tried to do my best to fully explain what my OCD feels like. A big part of that explanation is acknowledging how irrational it is and how much I hate it. Having had these larger conversations, it makes it easier for me to bring things up in the moment because I know he already has the greater context. (The luggage issue was quickly resolved by me giving him a drawer! Yay for easy solutions that work for everyone!)

After years of feeling so much shame around my emotions and distress, it has been extremely liberating to start to share how I am feeling with (some) others. I don’t go around telling strangers or colleagues when I’m feeling extra anxious, but I do tell my nearest and dearest. It’s a lovely reminder that we really don’t have to be okay all the time. It’s okay to admit you had a stinky day! Or that you’re pissed off over something minor! This allows you to process the emotion in real time in a safe space instead of feeling like you must cover it up and deal with it later when you’re alone. It gives the emotion less staying power. And it helps you feel more connected to your support system. It might sound counterintuitive but loudly shouting “I’m grumpy,” might be the most emotionally mature way I’ve ever handled the grumps!

xoxo,

Allison

***This blog was originally posted on my Patreon in August, 2021. I share new (old) posts on Wednesdays!***