Not to brag, but I like myself. I think I am interesting and funny. When I met my boyfriend’s friends for the first time, I assumed it would go well. I don’t stay up late at night worrying how I came off to people over a random Zoom meeting. And I freely talk to strangers on elevators and sidewalks, enjoying the connection with other people. That’s why it’s been so surprising to realize that there is an area of my life where I assume everyone doesn’t like me: graduate school.
It’s taken me some time to notice and understand this phenomenon, but I think I figured it out. The last time I was a student, I wasn’t very likable. I was struggling with my mental health and didn’t have good social skills. High school and college were both tumultuous times, filled with many falling outs and large doses of self-loathing. So even though I’ve changed, when I am back in a school setting, I assume everyone will react to me in the same way they did more than a decade ago. That’s why I was so surprised when another student reached out to me and asked if I wanted to pair up for a research project. She wanted to work with me? Annoying, off-putting, student me? I felt like I had won the social lottery instead of what had actually happened: one adult asked another adult to pair up because they had incidentally picked a similar topic.
The reality is that I have no idea how my fellow grad students perceive me. But my negative assumptions about how they feel highlight why I’m so glad to finally be a fully formed adult. It is really freaking hard to be a child, teenager and young twenty-something. In addition to your brain not being fully formed, you are far more vulnerable to other people’s opinions of you because you don’t really know who you are yet. It’s like trying to pick the perfect outfit in front of a group of catty commentators. Your fear of their disapproval is enough for you to disregard your instincts or throw you off balance to the point where you can’t locate your instincts in the first place.
Another major, yet obvious, component of being young is that you don’t have that much life experience. So when something bad happens you think, “Okay, my life is over. I will NEVER recover from this.” And why would you think otherwise? As of yet, you have never recovered from that. But with time you will. And then you will again. So, by the fifth time something bad happens you might think instead, “Ugh, this again!” Which still sucks, but isn’t quite as dispiriting because you have evidence that life keeps going in some form or another. You know you will survive because you have survived.
So even though for the last two-plus years I have assumed that every student in my classes dislikes the very look of me, I haven’t cared that much. Because, unlike when I was younger, school is just one aspect of my life. I am not forced to create my social circle out of the students who just so happen to be getting an MA in clinical psychology at the exact same time as me. I have far more autonomy to pick and choose the people who populate my life as an adult than I did when I was growing up. As one of my professors aptly put it, “Children are prisoners of the systems they’re in.” They get thrown into schools and activities and family systems with little to zero control. How can you not feel like an outsider or misfit on occasion when the only thing you have in common with the people around you might be the same zip code or last name?
I often think about how uncomfortable I was in my own skin when I was growing up. I would walk around terrified of rejection or judgment. And that constant fear would frequently evolve into me judging or rejecting myself. It was exhausting and damaging. But--much like most of my clothes--I eventually grew out of that cycle. I figured out who I wanted to be, and I figured out how to appreciate who I already am. So now, when I’m in class and no one sits near me and a voice in my head suggests, “No one likes you! That’s why you have this huge table to yourself” I’m able to respond with, “No one here actually knows me. Plus, I have more space!” I am not as tied to other people as I once was because I am more connected to myself. And I can recognize that my insecurities are an old habit, which is easy to fall into instead of a true reflection of the current moment.
We live in a youth-obsessed culture. And I’ll admit that when I look in the mirror and a thirty-something face stares back at me, I panic a little bit. But then I remember what it was like to be younger. Yes, my skin might have had fewer lines and creases, but my insides were a constant mess of nerves. I might have delighted in compliments that I “looked so young!” but I was too easily thrown by people canceling plans or not making plans at all. I was a prisoner not just of the systems I was in, but of how I thought a “normal” person should behave in those systems. The freedoms that come with being an adult don’t simply include drinking alcohol and renting a car. You have the freedom to create new systems and influence the ones you are already in. And most importantly, you have the freedom to be yourself because you might finally know who you are. I will take that over a seat at the “popular” table any day.
xoxo,
Allison
***This blog was originally posted on my Patreon in January, 2022. I’ll be posting some of my favorite old posts every Wednesday!***