GETTING ENGAGED (AGAIN)

If you live anywhere in the Los Angeles area or follow me on social media, you probably know I got engaged because I’ve been screaming about it from the rooftops. My *fiancé* proposed to me on October 14th and, even though I knew it was imminent, I had NO idea he had planned to do it in front of my closest friends at a private room in one of our favorite restaurants. I was completely shocked and fully lost myself in the moment, which is rather rare for someone with an anxiety disorder. (Thank goodness for the multiple videos.) After my previous engagement ended in heartbreak, I thought getting engaged again would be complicated. But the experience hasn’t been what I expected at all.

One of my favorite jokes to make in the aftermath of my abandonment was that if I ever got engaged again no one in my life would care. I figured they would all be skeptical and wait to see if I actually made it to the wedding before getting excited. Each time I repeated this joke (and make a TikTok about it), people would assure me I was being silly. Of course, they would be thrilled if I found love again! But (not so) secretly, I worried. I thought engagements and wedding planning were going to be permanently tainted for me. I also thought that being engaged again would bring up my abandonment fears and I wouldn’t feel safe until I was actually married.

In a surprising turn of events, none of that has been true! From the moment John proposed I have been filled with a rush of joy and excitement. I have had long discussions about wedding planning with friends and I have officially started making engagement content on my social media. I keep waiting for doubt and fear to take over. I wonder when painful thoughts like “You should really hedge your bets here” and “This is going to be extra embarrassing if this one doesn’t work out too” are going to emerge.” But so far…all that has come up is a strong desire to stare at my ring all day.

My reaction to this time in my life has made me wonder if I am fully healed from what happened before. Did I somehow “get over” the trauma of my ex walking out on me with no warning and little explanation? Is it as though that part of my life never happened, and I get to be born anew as a virgin bride? I don’t think so. Instead, I think my mind and my body have made the decision to not let my past dictate my future, which is different than ignoring or forgetting my past completely. What happened to me had a permanent impact. But instead of that impact being a fear of getting attached again, it changed me into someone who is willing to take risks. I now know that nothing in life is a guarantee, so you might as well take the leap.

Before my broken engagement, I think I lived in fear of getting something wrong and/or looking like a fool. I believed that if I was thoughtful and rational about my decisions and expectations, I could avoid a bad outcome. Then my ex fell out of love with me only a few months after declaring his intention to spend our lives together. I didn’t do anything to “deserve” this. I didn’t fundamentally change and become “unlovable.” I was simply collateral damage in someone else’s journey. While that lack of control over my own life was destabilizing and awful, it forced me to reckon with how little control we have in general. I realized all I can do is decide how I want to show up in the world and hope for the best.

And so, at some point in the last two years, I came to the conclusion that I don’t want to be someone who lives to protect herself. I want to be someone who just lives. I want to love fully and celebrate hard and not worry about what “might” happen. Is there a chance John and I don’t make it until death do us part? Sure. But there is also a chance aliens will invade the Earth before we have any desire to get divorced. As much as my anxiety likes to spend time in the “what if,” I prefer to focus on “what’s actually happening.” And what’s actually happening is that I found an incredible person who wants to marry me. Me, a person who has dreamed about getting married her entire life. That’s pretty freaking awesome!

One of my other favorite post-abandonment jokes was that I was willing to get engaged again but it had to be a short engagement so there wouldn’t be any time for my fiancé to change his mind. This also turned out not to be the case. John and I are getting married next August, which means I have 10 whole months of engagement in front of me. I can’t say for sure that there won’t be times when my anxiety kicks in or I feel a bit triggered, but I am extremely confident that this time I will make it down the aisle. I am not confident because I can suddenly predict the future. I am confident because I am choosing to have trust in both of us. And that choice has been far easier than I would have thought possible. That’s the biggest surprise of all.

xoxo,

Allison