I turn 33 next week, which almost feels significant due to its insignificance. It’s not a major birthday. I’m not entering a new decade or finally awarded new rights like the ability to rent a car or run for president. I am settling into my thirties without having hit any of the major personal milestones I thought might be worked out by this stage. I’m not married. I don’t have children. And my career remains turbulent enough for me to not feel financially stable despite having a financially good year. I am technically an adult, and have been for quite some time, but that feeling of having figured out how to adult remains elusive. In the past, birthdays have been hard for me because I saw them as a time to examine everything I don’t have, but now I see them as an opportunity to take stock of everything I have been able to build for myself. And so much of my life looks the way I always wanted it to look, even if the details aren’t quite the same.
But as much as I want to take the time to appreciate what I do have, I also think that the start of a new birth year is a good opportunity to check in with yourself and see where you want to focus your energy moving forward. The tricky part in asking yourself, “What do I want this next year to look like?” is that so much of it is out of your control. A lot of what I want for myself, especially when it comes to my career, I am simply not able to give. So, in order for this exercise to be useful and not incredibly frustrating, I am going to focus only on the things I can control. Or at least control to the extent that my circumstances and mental energy allow. And now, with those (many) caveats, let the self-reflection begin!
1) I don’t want to give up on my book. Overthinking About You came out a little over a month ago and didn’t make much of a splash. It didn’t hit any lists and I haven’t been getting the type of press coverage I had been hoping for. My instinct is to declare it a failure and move on to the next project. This is a mentality that has served me well in this industry. But this project deserves more from me than that. I poured my heart into it. And I know that it’s resonated with the people who have read it (aside from a few two-star reviews that are seared into my brain). I owe it to myself to keep promoting it and keep fighting for it to get in front of as many eyeballs as possible. I also need to work to change my mindset around it and remember books can have long lives. Just because it wasn’t an overnight success doesn’t mean it won’t have a slow build. Plus, this book is meant to help people, so to give up on it would be giving up on the possibility of helping other people, and I don’t want to do that. For all these reasons, it is worth fighting through the discomfort I feel when I continue to promote it and ask people to help support it. (And if you want to leave an Amazon review as a birthday gift, I will be forever grateful!)
2) I want to get better at managing having two dogs and making sure I am meeting both of their emotional and medical needs. Adopting a second dog last fall was a huge decision, but it was also the right decision. Phantom brings us all so much joy that I can barely remember a time without him. That said, having two dogs, one of whom is very clingy, makes it hard to pay as close attention to Sugar. I used to know immediately when anything was physically wrong with her because I was staring at her all day. Now, my attention is divided. Couple that with the fact that we moved to a new part of the city and have yet to find a suitable vet, I constantly feel like I am failing her. I know a lot of this is my anxiety. But she is also getting older and for both my own inner peace and her health I need to feel like I am more on top of things than I currently am. But I am going to actively side-step the part where I judge myself for even having to have this goal in the first place. I moved and had knee surgery in the same week. I didn’t have the time or physical ability to make this a priority until now. But now that I do, I will!
3) I want to find more joy and pride in my work. I constantly wrestle with the status of my career. In the same breath I will remind myself of my successes and point out all the things I have been unable to accomplish. I also find myself not just comparing myself to other people, but dangerously comparing myself to my past self. I often feel that my career has taken a nosedive from when I had a ton more followers, multiple TV shows in development and a best-selling novel. But thinking this way robs me of enjoying all the very cool things I do have. The JBU podcast might not get the same audience as our old YouTube videos, but that isn’t a reason for me to not take it seriously. I also want to make sure that I enjoy the process of writing my next book. Am I getting a huge paycheck for it? No. Do I know it will be a success? No. But it is still an awesome project and younger Allison would be thrilled to be writing her fourth book. I just need to do a better job of remembering that.
4) I want to focus on today instead of tomorrow, next month or three years from now. One of the side effects of being left by my fiancé was a realization that while we can plan for our future, we can’t depend on it. I have no idea what my life will look like one year from now and instead of trying to control the outcome, I would rather shift my focus onto the now. That doesn’t mean I won’t have goals and dreams. But it does mean I won’t wait until they happen to feel like I am living my life. This, right now, is my life. It is actively happening. Tuesday holds as much value as Friday, which holds as much value as my birthday (okay, not my birthday but definitely as much as Federal holidays!).
And finally:
5) I am enough. Even if none of these goals come to fruition and I leave 33 in the exact same place as I entered it, that is okay. One of the problems with working on yourself is devaluing your current self. So I want to end this with an important reminder that I don’t need to change. I might want to change. And I might change without even trying. But it is not a requirement. I love and like myself as I am today. And maintaining that feeling is the most important goal of all.
xoxo,
Allison
Happy birthday Allison! I just left you 5 stars on Amazon (their rating system could use some creativity, I wanted to give it 7/5 Over-thinkers). I just want to say that from my perspective you’re killing it. My boyfriend knows exactly who “Allison” is because I can’t stop sharing things I learn from your Instagram/book/JBU podcast/ESL pod episodes. Even if your reach isn’t quite as long as it was in the past, you should know that you’re making a huge impact for those of us that consume your work.
I hope 33 brings you success and new projects, but most of all happiness! 💜
Having a book come out can feel so anticlimactic, I went through the same feelings, was devastated the NYT didn’t review it, but then I just focused on continuing to try to find ways to market, to come up with new events, even if it’s small. Just as you say, remember a book has a long life ahead of it, and everything can’t happen in one day! Don’t give up :)