When I was writing Overthinking About You, I felt a bit strange about including depression in both the subtitle and contents of the book. While I’ve had depressive episodes in my life, I remembered them much less vividly than my OCD and anxiety, which are more of a constant. But then about two weeks ago, I entered what I am calling a “slight depressive episode” and immediately thought, “Oh yes, I remember you. You, son of a bitch.”
I’ve always been hesitant to talk about my version of depression because it is incredibly mild compared to what I have seen other people go through. I don’t experience any physical symptoms and I have always been able to keep up with my work and obligations. But I am still not myself and it is this loss that is more upsetting than the actual symptoms. In a way, this grief has been a central motivator for me to get better because I have a frame of reference for who I am when I’m not depressed, and I can (vaguely) remember how much I like her. So even when it feels easier to just sink into the depths and give up on my life and myself, a flicker of desire to change comes through. And that flicker was harder to find when I was younger and had a worse self-concept.
One of the things that is bizarre about my version of depression is that it isn’t 24/7. I can go have a nice meal with a friend and genuinely enjoy myself. I can record two episodes of the Just Between Us podcast in one day and laugh my heart out. And I can mask how bad I am feeling around pretty much everyone in my life if I want to. In the past, I might have seen this inconsistency as proof that things weren’t that bad. I would worry that claiming and naming it as a depressive episode would be misleading and self-indulgent. (A small part of me is still worried about that now!) But I’ve found that leaning into the fact that I am feeling depressed--whether or not I meet the DSM clinical criteria--empowers me to step in and care for myself. It means I can’t avoid what is going on and put off attending to it until it’s gotten worse and harder to claw my way out of.
Everyone’s experience of depression is different. For me, my warning signs started with a large dose of increased irritability. I could see that I was getting annoyed with things that normally wouldn’t bother me much. Instead of bumping into something and thinking, “Oops!” I was exclaiming “Ow!” with the vitriol of a woman scorned by a mortal enemy. The people closest to me were getting on my nerves in a way they didn’t deserve. And I noticed that I was holding back tears pretty frequently. The slightest thing could set me off/well me up. Although I love a good cry, being on the verge of tears on a regular basis is one of the most obvious ways for me to recognize I’m not doing so great.
There was also the classic symptom of not finding joy in the things that normally give me joy--anhedonia as it’s called in the mental health biz. I’ve been feeling disconnected from my life and relationships. And in a weird way, it’s sort of a relief to no longer care. Caring is tiring. Caring means you can get hurt or disappointed. Over the past few days, I’ve been batting away a growing desire to blow my life up. Wouldn’t it be nice to not have to write my book or show up as a partner or complete basic daily tasks? I feel the allure of letting myself fall apart. But the appeal of getting back to myself has been stronger (thank god).
We’ve all heard that to get better or get help, people need to want to do it for themselves. But the tricky thing about depression is that there is something comforting in it. As a normally anxious person, feeling depressed can be a bit like a vacation from my overactive mind. Lately, my motivation to get better has come from not wanting to let down other people versus helping myself. Or, at the very least, I have had to focus on future Allison and not current Allison. I think about the damage I could do to her life if I don’t care for myself properly in this moment. And I’ve found this approach helpful because current Allison would be happy to just fall into the warm embrace of not caring about anything at all.
So, I’ve taken steps to be proactive. I reached out to my psychiatrist. After discussing what was going on, we agreed to increase my dosage of Trintellix from 15mg to 20mg. I’m continuing to work out and prioritize sleep. And I’m cluing certain people in my life to the fact that I’m not myself. This part is harder than I wish it was, especially when it comes to my partner—despite having written extensively about this very thing--but I am trying. I’m also trying not to make any huge decisions or jump to any conclusions that might be tainted by my inability to see clearly right now. I gently remind myself that the way I am currently experiencing life is muted. And someday soon it will come back to full color.
I‘m happy to say that I can already see flickers of the regular me coming back online. I just need to keep leaning toward her even though it’d be easier to fall back into the void. Because, even though the void is easy to visit, it’s a horrible place to live. And I want my future self to enjoy her life even if current me is momentarily struggling to do so.
xoxo,
Allison
Thank you for sharing! I hope all of the good things you’re doing for yourself start to make you feel a bit better soon. I’ve been fighting off a depressive episode myself for a couple weeks - I can feel myself being irritable with my boyfriend and not being able to connect emotionally in the same way. For me, it feels like an inch of bulletproof glass between me and my own feelings. I can see them, but not touch. I’m trying to make sure I feed myself, as food becomes hard during these times.
I hope we both feel better soon! Thanks for sharing! 💜
Allison, this post came into my inbox at the perfect time. I'm in the thick of a depressive episode, and really struggling with emotional blunting. I know I should be enjoying myself on vacation, but I don't care about anything! Reading you reassure yourself that it won't last forever, has reassured me too. I'm going to be proactive for future me, she deserves it. Thank you for sharing, and I hope you get back to yourself soon❤️ xx