I DON’T HAVE TO BEG PEOPLE TO LOVE ME ANYMORE

The other day it occurred to me that my heart hasn’t been broken in quite some time. I haven’t had a friend ceremoniously (or unceremoniously) dump me since 2019. And I haven’t been left by a romantic partner since my ex-fiancé walked out of my life over three years ago. Following a lifetime of heartache after heartache, this time of interpersonal peace is a welcome turn of events.

From where I am now, it feels strange to even think of all the time and energy I spent trying to get people to stay. If my life was a movie, you could rewind to scene after scene of me bawling my eyes out as I tried to convince past partners that they were making a huge mistake. That I could change. That things could be different if they would only give me another chance. They never listened and I inevitably blamed myself for ruining everything. For being unlovable.

Now that I am newly married, securely attached, and in a healthy relationship with myself, the idea of begging someone to stay with me feels foreign and unnatural. I know I was the person who did all that crying and pleading but the instinct to want to be around someone who doesn’t want to be with me is no longer a part of my plan. That’s not to say I wouldn’t try to work things out with my husband or a friend, but if it got to a point where the effort was completely one sided, that would be my cue to leave.

I don’t have any more fight left in me to try to convince people to stay if that’s not what they want to do. Saying it that way might imply that I am simply exhausted and have given up. But in reality, I have no fight left because I don’t want to fight anymore.

Every time I tried to force someone to stay, I was betraying myself. Whether I realized it or not, begging someone to keep loving me or to love me at all sent a signal to my brain that I needed these people in my life. That I couldn’t survive without them. The desperation also implied that they were my last hope of a connection, rather than one potential partner in a sea of people who probably wouldn’t need as much convincing to stick around. 

It is horrible to lose someone you love. But it is worse to reject yourself simply because someone else has decided to leave.

Part of what has helped me get here is realizing that love isn’t merit based. It isn’t something that is doled out to the worthy and withdrawn from the flawed. But for a long time, I thought of it that way. I would look around at all the people whose partners and friends stayed no matter what happened and think, What am I doing wrong? Why am I so easy to leave?

I was in a lifelong cycle of losing friends and begging partners to stay. The only common denominator was me.

Then, rather recently, I realized I wasn’t in that cycle anymore. While I am still skittish around friendships, that has more to do with my history than my current reality. I wake up every day unafraid that my husband will suddenly fall out of love with me and leave. And I am finally old enough to fully appreciate that my strong relationship with my parents isn’t less meaningful simply because my parents are “expected” to love me. Our relationship is built on a greater connection and appreciation for each other than just sharing the same genetics.

Finally allowing myself to feel fully loved has made me realize it is not something I have to force on other people. People will either love me or not. They will either stay forever or go. While I am responsible for nurturing and strengthening my connections, it is not my job to keep them on life support. Nor do I want to anymore.

I understand why I fought so hard for the people who didn’t want me. It’s not like your feelings turn off the moment someone else’s do. But I feel a sense of great relief that I will (hopefully) never be in that position again. That I won’t throw my relationship with myself under the bus in a Hail Mary attempt to force a relationship with someone else.

Because I now know that I have already had and won the hardest argument of all. Through improving how I talk to myself, I managed to convince myself that I am worthy of the kind of love that comes easily. I deserve the kind of love that overflows instead of dries up if I make one mistake. I don’t have to fight for scraps anymore. And that changes everything.

xoxo,

Allison

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