MY (GREATEST) FEAR

I have a confession. I don’t have a topic for this week’s blog. I’ve racked my brain. I started one idea (something to do with giving people the benefit of the doubt) but realized 40 words in that I didn’t really have that much to say other than it can be really helpful to give people the benefit of the doubt. I tried to brainstorm in the shower. I asked my partner to write something for me. I complained loudly from my office. But I have nada. Nothing. I can’t think of a single subject or insight worth 1,000 words on your computer screen.

I have lived in fear of this day for months and months. And it is finally here. I am out of ideas.

It’s a strange thing to finally have this fear come to fruition. Ever since starting my weekly Emotional Support Lady blog back on Patreon in January 2021, I strongly suspected this might happen. How could I possibly think of a new topic every single week? It seemed like I was setting myself up to fail. Posting regularly to this account and the Emotional Support Lady Instagram has felt a bit like outrunning something that is definitely going to catch me at some point as soon as my bursts of creativity run out. I can’t tell you how many times I have thought, “That’s it! This is the last post I will even think of!” only to force myself to brainstorm a new cartoon.

The irony of stressing myself out over mental health content is not lost on me. But that’s the caveat of making mental health content your career. Every job involves some level of stress. And one of the biggest stressors in the eight years I’ve made money making content for the internet is that one day that content would run out. I felt that back when I was doing weekly Just Between Us sketches and I still feel it every time I have to come up with more Hypotheticals© for the Just Between Us podcast. I often get overwhelmed by the crushing weight of having nowhere to turn to but my own brain (and some strange Google searches to spark ideas) to keep my career alive. And I am sure this is a familiar feeling for people who aren’t even in “creative” fields.

But then I remember that most of the time, in fact all of the time (except this one time), I have been able to think of something. Sure, we stopped doing the sketches and transitioned into a podcast. And, yes, I had to decrease the amount I post on the ESL Instagram per week to care for my own wellbeing. But I still produce content. I still make stuff, if not every day then every few days. So instead of focusing on the fear of running out, maybe I can look at all the evidence that new things do occur to me all the time. And just because I don’t have a great idea in this moment doesn’t mean I will never have a great idea ever again. (This is probably my brain’s favorite catastrophizing thought!) I can learn to trust that as I continue to experience life and learn new things, I’ll have thoughts I’ve never had before. And these new thoughts will allow me to create things I couldn’t have created before having that new thought.

And even more importantly, there will be times, like this, where I’ll simply have to adjust my expectations of myself. Where I’ll need to be kind instead of furious that my brain isn’t firing on all cylinders and awash in originality. Because sometimes, you do run out. But that doesn’t mean you give up. Instead, you figure out what you need to do to recharge. So, I’ll see you all next week having faced my greatest fear and lived to see another blog (I hope!).

xoxo,

Allison