REASONS I AM TERRIFIED TO HAVE A CHILD

One of my best friends is about to give birth to her first child very (very) soon. As more of my friends are getting pregnant or starting the process, I find myself terrified by the entire endeavor. It feels extremely unsettling as someone who normally has a clear opinion about what I want for myself to not know if having a kid would be the right choice for me. I have never felt more on the fence about any other big life decision. And, unlike almost every other decision, this is not one you can take back. I can’t “try out” being a mother and see if it works for me. It’s quite literally a lifetime commitment.

All of this ambivalence makes me envious of people who know if they want kids or know if they don’t. Living in this in-between space is at odds with both my personality and my anxiety disorder. But I’ve decided that one thing that won’t help is avoiding my fears and attempting to pretend they don’t exist.

So with that in mind, here are my main concerns: