SUCCESS WON’T FIX YOU

TW: Suicidal Ideation

The other night, sparked by something we were watching, I told my husband that I wasn’t really happy until I was 29. He looked at me strangely because 1) that’s probably not normal and 2) I had been hugely successful in my mid-20’s. Both of us are (disconcertingly) career-driven and it seemed bananas that I hadn’t been happy while starring in my own pilot for MTV or being flooded by fans at VidCon.

I realized I needed to clarify. I’ve had moments of happiness my entire life. My parents took us to Vermont every summer and I’m still transported back there whenever I smell wood burning in a fireplace. I had many great experiences the first year of college--including a memorable spring break trip to Acapulco with several friends. And the three days I got to shoot a script that I wrote for an actual TV network--that likely would have picked it up if not for another castmate’s abhorred behavior off set--were probably the coolest three days of my entire life. I remember showing up to work invigorated, my dreams coming true. There was a huge sense of relief that I did in fact love doing what I’d always wanted to do.

But despite a whirlwind of professional success, I still wanted to die a lot of the time. Not in a proactive sense. I never had a plan and I had vowed never to leave my parents like that. But my attachment to life was fickle. For all the massive highs, there were dangerous lows. I often felt out of control when it came to my mental health and romantic relationships. I didn’t value myself the way I should have. And being a person who had to create a full life felt like a burden I wasn’t equipped to handle.

That all began to change once I got back on medication and started being able to apply all the lessons I’d been learning in therapy. I was also older and learning to like myself. I often feel like there is a divider in my life. Pre-thirty Allison and post-thirty Allison. While they are technically the same person, they experienced life in totally different ways.

People often say that money doesn’t buy happiness. I don’t believe that. Having money brings a level of security and quality of life that isn’t possible when you are constantly worried about finances. It relieves stress and allows for more experiences. I think a better saying would be, money alone can’t buy happiness. And this is the lens that makes sense of my twenties.

I have never been more successful than I was in my mid-twenties. But I wasn’t able to fully appreciate what was going on because I was too caught up in jealousy, insecurity and comparison. Who cared if we had 750,000 YouTube subscribers if other creators had over a million?  Why focus on the positive of having multiple TV shows in development if I felt I wasn’t getting enough credit for them? It didn’t matter that other people saw me a certain way if I couldn’t see myself that way. I had a toxic way of thinking that colored what was undoubtably the coolest professional period of my life.

Looking back, I ache for my old career. But I don’t miss how I felt when it was all happening. It’s not like my thirties have been absent of heartbreak or struggles. I went through a broken engagement and massive knee surgery. I tried going off my meds and quickly unraveled. I’ve worried endlessly about money and my dog’s bizarre nerve issues. And I’ve had many days where the bad outweighs all the good.

But my reaction to all of that has been different. I no longer immediately want to cease to exist. When I walk through the world I’m not afraid that everyone is judging me and I am a piece of shit. And I don’t have to obsess over finding a partner to feel complete because I found a partner who sees me the way I now see myself: positively.

I am not happy all the time, but I feel a level of contentment that was inaccessible to me before. I feel like I now have an attachment to being alive that didn’t used to exist. And I suppose that’s what I mean when I told John I wasn’t happy until 2019. Happy wasn’t the right word, because happiness is fleeting. It doesn’t stick around. What I have felt in the last five years is more akin to ease. I don’t feel like an alien inhabiting human skin (incorrectly) anymore.

All of this has taught me that success isn’t important.

JUST KIDDING.

Success is awesome. Especially if you are in the right headspace for it. But success, like money, isn’t enough on its own. Because our minds create our own reality. And that means success can quickly become tarnished or ruined if we don’t have the capacity to see it for what it is. If we aren’t stable enough in the relationship we have with ourselves to be able to fully appreciate it.

I would do a lot to return to the level of success I had years ago. I would work my butt off and suck up to the right people. I would sit in boring meetings and take awful notes from executives. But I wouldn’t give up my current brain. Because, without that part, none of it matters.

xoxo,

Allison

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