One of the biggest ways I changed what it feels like to exist in this world was by creating a better relationship with myself. And in order to do that, I had to make my brain a less scary place. So, instead of constantly coming from a place of judgment, I shifted to using a framework of self-compassion when talking to myself. It’s the metaphorical difference of coming home from school to a caregiver who never thinks you are doing well enough versus a caregiver who immediately gives you cookies and lets you decompress. Life became less terrifying because I am no longer reporting to a cruel dictator (my own brain) who is always ready to punish me if/when things don’t go perfectly.
While I’ve written about self-compassion in broad strokes before, I wanted to show some examples that reveal the difference between how my “Old Brain” would talk to me and how my “New Brain” tries to approach things.
I hope it will show why self-compassion really can make all the difference in how we perceive and move about the world.
Event: I don’t feel up for seeing a friend and want to cancel our plans.
Old Brain: You want to cancel just because you are a little bit “tired” and “stressed?” That is such bullshit. No wonder you have had so many problems keeping friends. This behavior is both rude and pathetic. You’re not allowed to cancel. Or, if you do, you better beat yourself up about it all night.
New Brain: It sounds like maybe you aren’t at full capacity right now and would benefit from staying in. Why don’t you explain what’s going on and pick a time to reschedule? Good friendships allow for flexibility and other people have had to cancel on you many times for the same type of reasons. If this becomes a pattern, we can be more concerned. But a one-off is totally reasonable and signals you need some extra self-care. It doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad friend regardless of what your anxiety is telling you.