TALKING MYSELF OUT OF A SPIRAL

TW: anti-fat bias

One of the things that has helped me feel more in control of my mental health instead of living in constant fear of it has been learning how to self-soothe. The concept of self-soothing, though, can often seem vague and therefore unhelpful. So I thought I’d share some of the ways I’ve talked myself down in the past. Do these pep talks mean I’m suddenly in the best mood of my life? Nope! But they stop me from tumbling all the way down into a spiral that makes it harder to crawl my way out. I like to think of these talks as a sort of safety net that I’ve set up in my brain to catch me and fling me back up toward equilibrium. If one of the nets doesn’t work, I have other “fail safes” in place--including simply going to sleep so I can start again in the morning! Or eating a snack because my hunger is secretly affecting my mood.

Here are some examples of conversations I’ve had with myself:

CONTENT OF SPIRAL – No one cares about me.

SOURCE OF SPIRAL – Finding out friends did something without me, explicitly didn’t invite me to something or observing them be closer with someone else.

SIPRAL RESPONSE – I know this is triggering for you given all of your friendship trauma, but even if your friendships don’t look or feel like what you were taught to expect, that doesn’t mean you don’t have people that care about you. Try to remember that John is your best friend and you get to live with him! You also have the privilege of actually enjoying both your parents, and, even if that is unconventional, it is still a form a friendship. Plus, you never know what friends you will make in the future. I am proud of you for continuing to spend time and effort on friendships even though you get hurt along the way. I know that you sometimes feel like a fool for investing more in people than they invest in you. But there is nothing foolish about choosing to care about other people.

CONTENT OF SPIRAL: My career is over and I’m a total failure.

SOURCE OF SPIRAL: Seeing other people succeed, not selling a project, having low views on my social media, thinking about my past success compared to my current situation.

SPIRAL RESPONSE: Why do you think you have to be successful in order to matter? Do you look down on all the people in your life who aren’t wildly prominent and/or well paid in their field? No. So why do you hold yourself to a different standard? I know that you are scared and sad and also feeling guilty for being scared and sad, but everyone experiences these feelings. You don’t know what is to come and you have already done so much. The only way to truly fail is to give up. Allow yourself the freedom to be optimistic about the future. While also remembering that your work is one part of you--not all of you.

CONTENT OF SPIRAL: I made a huge mistake by going to graduate school.

SOURCE OF SPIRAL: Being bored out of my mind in class, being incredibly confused and overwhelmed in class, having to do any of my work--especially when it is hard.

SPIRAL RESPONSE: You will not be in school forever. I know that sitting here is the last thing you want to be doing and it can feel like a total waste of time now that you aren’t going to be a therapist, but once you get through this program no one will be able to take your degree away from you. You might not see the point of it right now, but it could lead to opportunities you haven’t thought of yet. Plus, it has made you a better mental health advocate and person. That might not be the traditional reasoning for getting a master’s degree, but that doesn’t mean it’s not valid. You can tolerate this discomfort for a few more months. You don’t need to get straight A’s. You just need to pass, and I believe you can pass. Also, I think it is really cool that you are doing this even though it is hard and difficult to stay motivated. Your future self will be so grateful.

CONTENT OF SPIRAL: You aren’t physically attractive anymore because you’ve gained weight.

SOURCE OF SPIRAL: Seeing an unflattering photo or video of myself, looking at older photos or videos of me, living in a fat-phobic world.

SPIRAL RESPONSE: Do you want to spend your life hating your body? Is this the best use of your time and energy? Or would you rather resist all the harmful messaging you grew up with now that you know anti-fat bias is based in nothing but…bias? Bodies change as we grow. It is okay that your body looks different than when you were younger. You do not have to be thin to be happy. You know this to be true because you are happy now and you spent so many years being thin and miserable. Your time is better spent building yourself up than tearing yourself down to meet unrealistic beauty standards. Your weight is not your currency in this world. You are so much more than that.  

Like I said up top, these talks don’t always work, and I often have to turn to other sources of comfort to feel better. Or sometimes I simply have to wait out my funk and accept that I’m having an off day. But one thing that these responses do is make it impossible for me to fully accept the negative thoughts in my brain. At the very least, I am putting up a fight instead of diving headfirst into despair. I am offering another perspective. So even if I fall into a spiral, I always have a rope attached to help drag myself out. That rope didn’t used to exist. My options are different now that it does.

xoxo,

Allison