THE MUNDANITY (OF LIFE)

The other day I was doing the dishes, yet again, and a terrifying thought occurred to me. I will never be done doing the dishes. I might clear the sink for now, but the task will never be over because there will always be more dishes to clean. The same is true for all my domestic chores. Even before I finish a load of laundry, there are often more clothes in the hamper. Any brief sense of relief or accomplishment is quickly followed by a reminder that there is more to come. When you are an adult who takes care of yourself, you have to keep being an adult, all of the time. until you’re no longer able to care for yourself or you die. It can be hard to not get overwhelmed or exhausted by these thoughts. Especially if you hate doing the dishes.

As I stood there, I realized that I needed to figure out a way to not feel crushed by the never-ending tasks. While it was appealing to let myself sink into a spiral of fury that I will likely never be rich enough to outsource all my chores or own a robot who can do them, I knew going down that road wouldn’t serve me. What I needed was to figure out a way to reshape and reframe my relationship to these repeating tasks so their continued presence won’t suck the life out of me. It then occurred to me, as I’m sure it has occurred to many people before, that the answer was right in front of me. Instead of viewing the act of caring for myself through domestic work as a burden, I can choose to view it as a privilege and act of self-love.

While putting away the pots and pans isn’t exactly the same as getting a relaxing massage, having a clean home is something that relaxes me and makes me feel safe. And when I do the laundry, it means that I get to wear whatever I want the next day because all my favorite clothes are clean. Taking care of the dogs is annoying, but I also wouldn’t get to have the joy of their company if I didn’t rinse their bowls out multiple times a day and go for walks even when I’d prefer to stay put. It can be easy to get into a slump of just viewing the task as the task but reminding myself of the underlying positives that come from achieving it helps me stay motivated. Whereas before I was solely focused on how it would feel bad or be a problem if I didn’t do it.

I also think there is something to be said about nurturing yourself in what feels (to me) to be a maternal way. When I get into a freshly laundered bed, I can feel excited that someone made the bed for me. Even if that someone was, in fact, me. It is a strange shift to realize that sometimes taking care of yourself can feel just as meaningful as having someone else care for you. I just need to spend more time appreciating that care instead of rejecting or feeling angry that I “have” to do it in the first place.

The other part of all this is working to shift my mindset during the tasks themselves. If I’m destined to do the dishes for the rest of my life, I don’t want to be thinking “oh my god, I hate this so much” the whole time. So, what can I do to make the actual experience more enjoyable/less awful? One thing that has been working for me is to view that time as a period when my brain doesn’t have to work as hard. I spend a lot of my time writing and brainstorming and desperately trying to think of new thoughts I’ve never had before. It can get rather exhausting. However, if I start to look at the time I am doing the dishes as a “break” from my work brain, suddenly it is more appealing to me. I am not someone who has ever been able to successfully meditate in the traditional “sit cross legged and don’t do anything else” way. But I can (occasionally) get into my version of a meditative state during these physical tasks that don’t require a lot of mental effort. I’m realizing that there is value and maybe even contentment in doing something that is physically taxing but mentally easy. Even if I have to do it over and over (and over) again.

So much of our lives are out of our control that there can be comfort in a routine. I don’t need to reject any feeling of accomplishment when I finish a load of laundry just because I will have to do another one soon. I still accomplished that load and brought myself a few-days break. That deserves to be celebrated! Everyone has different standards for their home and what makes them feel the most at peace. I happen to be someone who thrives when my domestic tasks are done quickly and consistently. Figuring out a way to make that a reality without feeling annoyed and existentially depressed about it is one way to improve my day-to-day internal life. Doing the dishes might never be my favorite activity. But as long as I can get to a place where I don’t absolutely dread gearing myself up to put soap on a sponge, I am heading in the right direction.

xoxo,

Allison