Most of you have probably heard the adage, “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” It’s a common concept used in both support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous and in everyday society. And on its face, it makes a lot of sense. Some things we can change, some things we can’t. With enough self-awareness, we will instinctively know the difference. For a long time, I thought this was a great way to approach life. But now I wonder if it’s time for me to have a different method when it comes to picking what I want to work on and what I want to accept.
Part of what is fueling this perspective shift is my belief that almost all things can change. Think about the people you know or stories you’ve heard about someone completely changing their lives. It is thrilling to know that change on every scale is not only possible, but achievable. But the thing that’s discussed less often is how exhausting and time-consuming change can be. And sometimes the cost-benefit of that change might not be what you think. So, instead of asking myself, is this thing about me changeable, I’ve started to ask: is it worth the work involved in changing it?
This might seem to be a shocking or defeatist attitude for a mental health advocate to take, but after years and years of “working on myself,” I’m at a place where I want to focus on just being myself. I’m glad there is now more discussion about caring for our mental health and breaking maladaptive cycles and habits. With this shift has come a lot of pressure to constantly do better and be better. It can make you feel like any small thing that you don’t like about yourself is a glaring issue that must immediately be attended to because we have more tools (often via TikTok videos) to address it. But I’m finding that taking a Whack-A-Mole approach to my various issues, with each one getting the same level of thump, is too draining. I’d rather save my energy for the problems that are actively interfering with the life I want to live on a tangible level. I can use an acceptable model for the rest, even if they are technically changeable.
For example, I’ve recently been coming to terms that I am not as easy of a person to be in a partnership with as I thought. I have a lot of rules related to my OCD and I’m not always in the mood to talk or touch. This was upsetting to realize because I have done so much work to be a better partner over the last few years. So, at first, I thought, “Oh god, looks like I have to put my work goggles back on and get to tinkering so I can be the best partner possible every minute of every day.” But then I thought, why?
Why do I have to hold myself to these impeccable standards that very few partners, if any, meet? Why do I need to get an A when and A- is already bringing me a wonderful life and relationship? If I was noticing that these things about myself were a huge detriment to my relationship, I would put in the work, but right now it seems like it’s just…not. I can have flaws and still have a good life. Maybe if I let go of this unrealistic idea of myself as a “super easy-going” partner who has worked herself to the bone to extinguish every possible bad habit, I can more easily accept myself and appreciate what I do bring to the table, which is maybe a bunch of rules but also a lot of laughter and kindness.
Allowing myself to accept some things I can change, isn’t the same thing as accepting that who I am right now is the final version of me. It’s simply giving myself the freedom to take a breath and enjoy this current version. Maybe there will come a time when I want to work on being less irritable in the morning or spend all my mental energy combating my compulsion to wipe down my cell phone. But for right now, with all the things I’m balancing, I’ve decided to just accept that I need a little time to find my cheery self after waking up. And it’s not the end of the world if I use an extra cleaning wipe so I can get back to my day instead of having a draining standoff with my OCD every few hours.
In the same way that we get to decide what we want to change about ourselves, we also get to decide when. I used to think the right answer for “when” was right away or else I was failing myself and everyone around me. But swapping out that pressure for a dose of acceptance that right now I’m okay and if that changes so will I has been far more enjoyable. And it leaves a lot more time to not only accept, but appreciate, my current self.
xoxo,
A
WOW. I definitely needed to read this one. My anxiety causes me to way overthink my amazing relationship. I love him so much that I want to be a “perfect” partner bc that’s what my brain tells me he deserves. Some days I start listing all of the habits I “need” to start and things I “need” to stop doing - my boyfriend is supportive, but often tells me it’s not a big deal if I don’t make all those changes right away (if at all). He’s giving me the grace I struggle to give myself. If me falling asleep on the couch at 9pm isn’t bothering him then maybe I just need to accept that I’m a sleepy person lol. Maybe that will change someday, maybe it won’t. But it seems like I will be okay in the meantime.
Thanks again for the post!
“Why do I need to get an A when an A- is already bringing me a wonderful life and relationship?”
This part really hit me hard. I was an academic achiever out of necessity to try to get into college and to appease my parents, and it eventually led to burnout and me dropping out of college even with a full tuition scholarship. I was always held to the standard that I could somehow do better than an A-, and I would ask my parents, why is that necessary? Who does that really help? It’s been a long process since then to continue unlearning that kind of arbitrary standard that I hold myself accountable to in so many aspects of my life, and there’s a lot to unpack along the way. But I’m working on it at least, and that’s something I do feel like changing to result in a happier and more comfortable “me.”
xoxo! (p.s: every time i see xoxo i think of the go piss girl meme haha)