(ACTUALLY) TAKING CARE OF MYSELF

If you have spent any time in mental health spaces, you’ve probably heard the term “putting in the work.” You have to “put in the work” to get better. You have to “put in the work” to foster a better relationship with yourself. You have to “put in the work” every day, over and over again until you die if you want any shot at being happy or fulfilled. That’s all fine, good and (mostly) true. (I’d argue we’re all owed some vacation days.) But what exactly is that “work?” Lately, I’ve been thinking about the specificity of that “work” in my life so it’s not so mysterious. I’ve definitely changed a lot in the last few years, but what were the actual change agents?  What efforts (outside of the big ones like going to therapy, being on medication and regularly exercising) have dramatically transformed my life and internal world? Here’s a (brief) list of what comes to mind.

1) The other night I splurged and placed a large take-out order for dinner. I figured it could last multiple meals so it was “okay” that the price tag was so high. Then I tasted the food and it was disgusting. Okay, maybe not disgusting, but definitely not enjoyable or worth the (vast amounts) of money. Disappointed, I started to beat myself up for making such a huge mistake and wasting my hard-earned cash. I could feel my mood start to take a downward turn, so I interrupted my internal conversation. I reminded myself that I work hard in my career, and I have enough money to treat myself to dinner. I didn’t know the food would be bad. And, despite the enormous bill, I am in a lucky enough financial position to be able to afford it without it having a long-term impact. And then I moved on with my night instead of beating myself up ad nauseum.

2) About a month ago, I looked at my life, my responsibilities and my anxiety levels. I determined that in order to better care for myself, I needed to switch my graduate degree from clinical psychology to psychology. This would mean many more classes that don’t interest me as much as my previous program. But it also meant I had a better shot at actually graduating because I would no longer need to get hundreds of clinical hours through practicum. Past Me would have felt like a failure for making the switch solely due to fear and being overwhelmed by the amount of work. Current Me recognized this was something I needed to do to avoid burning out and living in a near constant state of worry. Changing your goal doesn’t mean you gave up. It means you adapted to your current situation and my current situation called for a pivot. So I granted myself one.

3) I no longer expect myself to have the same work output every day. (Turns out, I am a person, not a machine!) I have gotten a lot better at recognizing when I need to take breaks, when I need to stop early for the day and when I need (or maybe just want) a nap. The other day I watched the finale of The Ultimatum in the middle of the afternoon instead of forcing myself to write. Nothing bad happened as a result and I got to learn all the juicy details I had been craving. I then took a nap. Huge for me!

4) Sometimes my mind starts to wonder if my ex-fiancé is dating someone new. Questions begin to fly through my brain like, “Is he happier without me? Will he have no problem committing to someone else?” But then I remember that his thoughts and actions are no longer my business. Our lives have been severed and trying to keep tabs on him, even if it’s just in my imagination, won’t do me any good. So, I back away from a potential mental spiral and think about something else instead.

5) I’m “supposed” to do knee exercises every day to help me get back my range of motion and build up my strength following my surgery. There are some days though when I really don’t want to do them because they are annoying and I am tired. A large part of me wants to skip the exercises—just for ONE day--but a stronger part of me knows that my recovery is more important than my discomfort in the moment, so I do them anyway. My current self is looking out for my future self. (Plus, they only take like ten minutes!)

6) I treat myself with compassion when it comes to my OCD and I force myself to fight my OCD when I have the strength and willingness. I let myself grieve that it sucks to live with this disorder while still recognizing the vast improvements I’ve made. I hold many (many) things at once.

7) I have not one, but two dogs who I kiss, hug and hold all day long. I make sure to spend time every day appreciating the joy and cuteness they bring to my life. And I feel proud of myself for taking on the responsibility of having pets despite the stress and anxiety it sometimes causes—not to mention the contamination fears and discomfort. Allowing myself to have dogs has given me more joy than pretty much any other decision in my life. And I am so glad I took the leap of faith in myself to do it.

8) I allow myself to not know what the future will bring while trusting that I will be able to handle it.

Almost none of these items would have been true of my life a few years ago.  Some shifts might seem small, but they have a big impact. It’s ironic that a large part of the “work” I’ve had to do is becoming comfortable expecting less from myself and releasing the hold of having high standards. It takes a lot of energy to care for your body and mind. But when that energy is fueled by kindness and understanding, the “work” isn’t something to dread. It’s something to embrace.

xoxo,

Allison