ARE WE (FRIENDSHIP) COMPATIBLE?

I thought that once I got engaged, I could relax. That I wouldn’t still be stuck wondering if I was going to get a text back. Or if an enjoyable coffee date would be a one-time thing or the beginning of something more. I figured my search for a fulfilling connection was over. But then I remembered I still need friends. And trying to form a new friendship can be just as nerve-wracking and confusing as dating. Especially when you have a lot of insecurities around whether anyone wants to be your friend in the first place! (Looking at you, Me!)

One of the things that has been helpful for me lately as I navigate this triggering terrain is asking myself, “What type of friendships do I want?” We’re more or less trained to ask this of ourselves when it comes to romantic relationships. I’m looking for something casual. I’m looking for something serious. I’m looking for a week-long fling while on vacation. But we rarely think about the complexities and variations of friendship. More often, someone is either your friend or they are not your friend. Maybe--if you are like me and love to rank things--some people make it to a best friend category. But that’s sort of it. We aren’t thinking about things like, “How do I want a friend to communicate?” or “How often do I want to see a new friend?”

I used to base whether I wanted to get closer to someone on if I liked them and if I had a good time when we hung out. But I’ve learned that, for me, that isn’t enough to invest in a real friendship. For example, I had a bit of a false start this past year when I thought I was getting closer to someone who had always been more of an acquaintance. We met up in real life a few times and texted more frequently. I really liked this person and wanted to take things to the next step. You know, upgrade them to my good friend roster. But then all our friendship momentum evaporated. Plans were canceled (on both ends) and they would take a long time to text me back. I started to feel silly for thinking I mattered to them as much as they were beginning to matter to me. I could tell that what they had or were willing to give was less than what I wanted. So, I stopped reaching out. And I reshuffled the way I categorize our relationship in my mind.

Maybe a younger version of me would think this reaction meant I was scared and too sensitive. But current me is proud of my ability to decipher what kind of friendships work for me or not. As we get older and have more obligations, we have less time and energy to spend on our social connections. I don’t want to waste brain space on trying to decipher if I should reach out again or not. I also don’t want to feel disappointed if I don’t get a reply. For a lot of people, friendships come easily and having a hot-and-cold relationship wouldn’t even be a blip on their radar. It’s how so many adult friendships end up operating. But I know myself. I get attached quickly and even more easily hurt. So, until I have a strong foundation with someone, when not hearing from them for a few weeks or even months doesn’t matter because we have years of connection behind us, I only want to invest in new friends who are investing in me.

I’m happy to report that during the same time I was realizing I needed to let my friendship crush go, I managed to form the exact kind of friendship I was looking for with a new person in my life. I won’t go into too many details because if she ever reads this I would be mortified, but this new friend has helped me feel safe enough to really open up and allow myself to get attached to the idea that we will be in each other’s lives for longer than the short term. I never feel like I am the one making all the effort and I don’t overthink reaching out or trying to schedule a plan. Despite knowing her for less than a year, I felt comfortable inviting her to both my wedding and my bachelorette party. I want her to know she matters to me, and I value our growing connection. (Even if I’m not ready to say that to her face yet!)

In the same way I used to chase men who weren’t interested in dating me, I used to chase friends and then get disappointed when nothing came of it. Now I take a different approach. I look for clues to see if this person is likely to be the kind of friend I am looking for. Are they easy to make a plan with? Do they actually reach out when they say they will? Are they always traveling or “so busy?” I know now I need more than a spark. I need the potential for consistency. And not everyone has that to give. Nor is everyone looking for it! But I’m allowed to have my own standards for friendships. And I feel better having figured out what they are.

xoxo,

Allison