I really appreciate how much you talk about friendship on your blog. It's such an important component of our lives but has so much less research/dialogue than romantic relationships.
Thanks for writing about this! It’s crazy to me that we put so much thought and effort into maintaining romantic relationships but then just expect friendships - which are also relationships! - to grow with no effort or last forever and never change.
I have a friendship ranking system that helps me and it goes like this: 1s are inner circle, 2s are long term people you love, 3s are people you are excited about that might become 1s or 2s, 4s are casual acquaintances that prob won’t get deeper, 5s are people who you are fine being around but would never hang out with 1-on-1. For whatever reason thinking about friends in these terms helps me be at peace with whatever level someone is in my life and also recognize that it can change and that it’s okay if it changes.
I love this system! It's so helpful to remember there are so many different versions of friendship and we don't have to try to force them all to be the same. Thanks for sharing! xoxo A
I wonder if you are in my brain sometimes because your content is SO RELEVANT!! 😂
"What type of friendships do I want?" is such a great question!! Somewhere along the way I think I internalized that I don't have agency in the friendships I'm in, and that I'm chained to certain people for the sake of... politeness I guess? Because I'm a woman and was socialized as such perhaps? Somehow I also learned that I have to struggle through building friendships that are particularly challenging to initiate and if a) it doesn't work then I'm a failure and if b) I quit then I'm a bad person. I'm discovering that's a bunch of bullshit and am learning to not hold guilt for choosing to let go of friendships when they just aren't going anywhere or are having a negative impact on my life.
I recently had my first ever friendship fallout. I don't see that friendship ever repairing, and it takes active work to remind myself I'm not a bad person or a failure because our relationship had to change (end). Due to this friendship fallout, another very close friend moving away, and my other closest friends living elsewhere, so you could say I'm in a state of "friendship limbo" at the moment. I am in a phase of defining new friends (finding new friends/deepening existing friendships/reigniting old friendships). I find myself coming up against various kinds of disruptions in the momentum required in building new friendships. On my hard mental health days I struggle to not internalize these hiccups as failures as well. When I am reaching out to someone to initiate plans (again) or reschedule, I remind myself that adult friendship is HARD (for everyone, not just me). And reaching out is still meaningful, even if it doesn't seem to go anywhere right away. If I really care about them and also have the energy to make plans, I reach out anyway because it is authentic. I try my best to ignore the part of my brain that gets caught up in making calculations about what is "socially acceptable" and just be genuine.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I relate to so much of it and think it's wonderful that you are pushing through and reaching out! We have different phases of friendship in our lives and it seems like you are in a bit of transition which can be scary but ultimately awesome! Sending all the good vibes as you reframe how you approach it all xoxo A
As a mostly introverted person I have difficulty forming friendships with people. In fact, I have no idea how many of the people I am friends with became my friends. We either met through work or through other people and we simply clicked. I may only have few friends, but I know that they are true friends.
Thank you for writing this- I relate to the struggle of making/maintaining friendships. I tend to be someone who has a few (3-5) very close friends- I don't do super well with casual acquaintances or friendships. For years I was made to feel "weird" for not having "a lot" of friends, but now that I'm older I really value having a tight knit group. That said, one of my goals for 2023 is to try to expand my horizons and socialize more- I'm trying to reignite my socialization habits since they have really shifted since the pandemic started. My top priority in a new friend is making sure we have the same attitude towards covid precautions. Thank you for sharing this and likening it to dating- I hadn't thought about that before and I find it helpful to frame it this way :)
I really appreciate how much you talk about friendship on your blog. It's such an important component of our lives but has so much less research/dialogue than romantic relationships.
Thanks so much reading!! Here's hoping it gets talked about more and more! xoxo A
Thanks for writing about this! It’s crazy to me that we put so much thought and effort into maintaining romantic relationships but then just expect friendships - which are also relationships! - to grow with no effort or last forever and never change.
I have a friendship ranking system that helps me and it goes like this: 1s are inner circle, 2s are long term people you love, 3s are people you are excited about that might become 1s or 2s, 4s are casual acquaintances that prob won’t get deeper, 5s are people who you are fine being around but would never hang out with 1-on-1. For whatever reason thinking about friends in these terms helps me be at peace with whatever level someone is in my life and also recognize that it can change and that it’s okay if it changes.
I love this system! It's so helpful to remember there are so many different versions of friendship and we don't have to try to force them all to be the same. Thanks for sharing! xoxo A
I wonder if you are in my brain sometimes because your content is SO RELEVANT!! 😂
"What type of friendships do I want?" is such a great question!! Somewhere along the way I think I internalized that I don't have agency in the friendships I'm in, and that I'm chained to certain people for the sake of... politeness I guess? Because I'm a woman and was socialized as such perhaps? Somehow I also learned that I have to struggle through building friendships that are particularly challenging to initiate and if a) it doesn't work then I'm a failure and if b) I quit then I'm a bad person. I'm discovering that's a bunch of bullshit and am learning to not hold guilt for choosing to let go of friendships when they just aren't going anywhere or are having a negative impact on my life.
I recently had my first ever friendship fallout. I don't see that friendship ever repairing, and it takes active work to remind myself I'm not a bad person or a failure because our relationship had to change (end). Due to this friendship fallout, another very close friend moving away, and my other closest friends living elsewhere, so you could say I'm in a state of "friendship limbo" at the moment. I am in a phase of defining new friends (finding new friends/deepening existing friendships/reigniting old friendships). I find myself coming up against various kinds of disruptions in the momentum required in building new friendships. On my hard mental health days I struggle to not internalize these hiccups as failures as well. When I am reaching out to someone to initiate plans (again) or reschedule, I remind myself that adult friendship is HARD (for everyone, not just me). And reaching out is still meaningful, even if it doesn't seem to go anywhere right away. If I really care about them and also have the energy to make plans, I reach out anyway because it is authentic. I try my best to ignore the part of my brain that gets caught up in making calculations about what is "socially acceptable" and just be genuine.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I relate to so much of it and think it's wonderful that you are pushing through and reaching out! We have different phases of friendship in our lives and it seems like you are in a bit of transition which can be scary but ultimately awesome! Sending all the good vibes as you reframe how you approach it all xoxo A
As a mostly introverted person I have difficulty forming friendships with people. In fact, I have no idea how many of the people I am friends with became my friends. We either met through work or through other people and we simply clicked. I may only have few friends, but I know that they are true friends.
Quality over quantity has definitely been my approach as I've gotten older! I'd rather feel supported than popular xoxo A
Exactly 😊
Thank you for writing this- I relate to the struggle of making/maintaining friendships. I tend to be someone who has a few (3-5) very close friends- I don't do super well with casual acquaintances or friendships. For years I was made to feel "weird" for not having "a lot" of friends, but now that I'm older I really value having a tight knit group. That said, one of my goals for 2023 is to try to expand my horizons and socialize more- I'm trying to reignite my socialization habits since they have really shifted since the pandemic started. My top priority in a new friend is making sure we have the same attitude towards covid precautions. Thank you for sharing this and likening it to dating- I hadn't thought about that before and I find it helpful to frame it this way :)
I'm so glad it resonated! And I'm excited to see what 2023 brings for you!! Here's to being proactive about friendship like we are about dating! xox A