BEING (UN)PRODUCTIVE

On Sunday morning, I woke up and finally finished a literature review for my research methods grad school class. The assignment had been hanging over my head for a week as I tried my best to understand confusing peer reviewed journal articles and synthesize research findings into original and thoughtful takeaways. I hated every minute of it. The whole process filled me with fear that I wasn’t smart enough and anger that I had to do something that made me feel so terrible. You would think the moment I finished I’d be flooded with relief. It was only 2 p.m. and I still had a good amount of my Sunday to relax and unwind. Instead, I didn’t really know what to do with myself.

For the past few months, I’ve had more work than normal as I juggle career commitments and school. This means my normal schedule of working during the weekdays and taking off the weekends has gone out the window. I’m finding myself having to work most days of the week as I meticulously plan out when and how I am going to get everything done. All this work and anxiety around work has thrust me into what I’m going to call a “productivity loop,” where I feel like if I’m not being productive, I am doing something wrong.

The pressure to always feel productive is not a unique feeling. We live in a society that overly values accomplishments and often blames people’s struggles on not working hard enough (while conveniently ignoring the systemic issues that are at the root of most problems). I know, intellectually, that my output does not define my value. But that doesn’t make it easier in practice to turn my brain from “work mode” to “relax mode.” That transition, at least right now, is no longer something that seamlessly happens on its own. In an ironic twist, it’s become another thing I need to work on.

So, what does that work look like? It begins with changing my expectations. I felt myself get annoyed that I wasn’t excited to be done with work on Sunday. I was waiting to be flooded with good energy. When it didn’t happen, I sunk more into the bad feelings. But now I’m understanding that hoping for that kind of automatic switch is unrealistic. I still have a lot on my plate and I am still worried about all the other upcoming assignments in my classes. It’s not like finishing one paper meant I was now officially retired. It meant I had one afternoon off. And it’s okay if it takes me a bit of time to settle into that.

This realization came to me about two hours later when I noticed I was finally having a good time—despite my earlier fear that enjoyment was no longer in my repertoire. I had gone out for a long walk with my fiancé and dogs and found myself singing a little ditty about fizzy, hoppy tea. (Singing is always a good sign when it comes to my mental health!) Instead of beating myself up about my lingering bad mood, I had chosen to go out and do something I historically enjoy. This is a well-proven tactic called behavioral activation, where you force yourself to do stuff even when you don’t necessarily want to because chances are you’ll feel better once you’re doing it.

I find this to be a great approach when there is something fun to do. But sometimes I’m just at home and even, though I am no longer “working” on homework or my career, there is still the pull to be domestically productive. The “productively loop” will tell me I should make sure I get all the laundry done or wipe the table another time. I have become hooked on the feeling of accomplishment. And it’s something I need to break if I want any shot of having a satisfying work-life balance.

Part of the problem is that I don’t currently have enough fulfilling non-productive ways to enjoy my time. So instead, I will find myself on TikTok or rewatching a show that isn’t able to keep my full interest. It makes sense that I am pulled by the intoxicating hit of productivity when my sources of relaxing at home aren’t even that enjoyable or satisfying! This is a signal that I need to take the plunge of looking for a new show, even if I’m worried I won’t like it, and spend more time painting than scrolling. (So far painting not-so-great watercolors is my best attempt at a hobby.)

I’ll admit I’m not thrilled that learning how to unwind from work appears to require more work, but that’s true of breaking any unhelpful pattern we’ve fallen into. I want to get back to being able to enjoy my time off without feeling a gnawing sense of guilt or impending doom that I won’t be able to get everything done. I need to build up trust in myself that I will accomplish my tasks while also creating situations and opportunities that focus on pleasure and being in the moment. And, perhaps most importantly, I need to have self-compassion that I find myself having to do all this is the first place. In a world that celebrates productivity at all costs, embracing being unproductive isn’t always an obvious choice—but it is an important one.

xoxo,

Allison