(BUT) WHAT’S NEXT??

I have a bad habit. I’ve known about it for years, and yet I still can’t seem to shake it. If I had to give it a name, I guess I’d call it “None of That Counts” syndrome. It’s basically a (false) belief system I fall into where I can’t feel proud of any of my past accomplishments because I am only as “good” as my next achievement. For example, I am technically a New York Times bestselling author, but that happened all the way back in 2017. My past two books haven’t hit any major lists, which means I can’t think of myself as a best seller anymore. I am just someone whose career is getting worse. 2017 Allison? The one who danced around when she found out and had a ton more followers than 2023 Allison? She no longer exists. I don’t even get to feel pride over what she accomplished because I am clearly separate from my past success. Too much time has passed. All I can claim is what is happening right now and right now I am nothing.

If this line of thinking feels extreme, irrational and unnecessarily harsh, I couldn’t agree more. I know on a logical level that I am the same person who did all those cool things, including selling four TV shows and show running my own scripted podcast. But, my OCD has always been hyperfixated on not misrepresenting myself. I also have a bad memory and often feel disconnected from past versions of me. This killer combo leads to a sensation that current me is separate from what I have done in the past. So, if I want to feel successful or talented, I must do something new. Again and again and again—or the feeling of failure will swallow me whole.

I’ve noticed my “None of That Counts” syndrome is getting even worse lately due to social media. I had a few TikToks go over 2 million views in one week and I thought to myself: “Finally! I’m relevant again!” I started fantasizing about brand deals and career opportunities. I told myself I still knew how to make content people cared about and I wasn’t a big fraud. I even spent an embarrassing amount of my vacation brainstorming new TikTok ideas because a few viral videos don’t matter if you can’t keep making them. Only the next few didn’t do so well--which suddenly meant everything I had briefly believed about myself was no longer true. It didn’t matter that I had made a few good videos because the next ones underperformed. Which meant I was now an underperformer. Even though three days earlier I was a self-proclaimed TikTok star. The speed at which I felt compelled to let go of my “old” work was increasing at a rate that was both harmful and ridiculous.

And yet…it is hard to break this pattern of thought. Especially as we enter a new year and so many of us are wondering: What’s next? What will 2023 bring? How can we push ourselves and improve ourselves? How can we make this the most successful year of our lives? A new year brings with it the opportunity--or at least appearance--of a clean slate. But what if my problem is that I clean my slate too often? And that is preventing me from seeing the slow and steady progress of my life as a whole?

Identifying the problem, unfortunately, is only the first step. I know that my impulse to focus on what’s next while disregarding everything that has come before isn’t serving me well. But that isn’t enough to get me out of the cycle. I’m going to have to do some real cognitive work to question and reframe the way I look at the world and professional success. I’m also going to have to start talking to myself differently. Instead of chastising myself for not having another new idea, I can remind myself of all the good ones I’ve already had. Plus, evidence suggests that I will probably have more again. Even if they don’t come on demand or have the desired reception from other people. I can be more than my work while still caring about my work: past and present. I can look toward the future without erasing what got me here in the first place. I just need to turn the corner from knowing these truths to actually believing them.

I used to think it was weird when I saw authors post about a book they published years before. I would think, “But what have you done lately??? Are you still allowed to talk about this??” I know now that my reaction was a projection of my own insecurities. I fear that I am on a perpetual decline, and I will never be as good as I used to be. In a misguided effort to fight this fear, I have overcorrected. I only allow myself to linger in the present moment for mere seconds before refocusing on the future. I tell myself to celebrate each win, but the celebrations have gotten shorter and shorter to the point where I’m not even sure if they existed at all. This mode of being is exhausting and unsatisfying--not to mention at complete odds with the way I want to live my life.

So my biggest goal for this coming year is to release myself from the pressure that it needs to be the best year of my life. I want to take a break from this race I am running with myself. I will continue to have goals and ideas and create and work hard. But I will also pause to appreciate what I’ve already done. Because even if I never get to do any of it again, it is still mine to keep.

xoxo,

Allison