CAN YOU MAINTAIN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A LOVED ONE WHO VOTED FOR TRUMP?

Before I dive into this complicated and divisive topic, I have to acknowledge my own inner turmoil when it comes to all this. For years, I have easily fallen into the trap of thinking that shaming and ostracizing MAGA supporters was the only appropriate response for a group of people that seem to be driven by a repellent mixture of racism, sexism and hate. My brain didn’t want to allow for the possibility that someone could listen to Trump talk, support him, and still have the capacity for empathy. My ability to see and understand the importance of nuance and context in all other areas of life left my body the moment politics entered the picture. I was trapped in a loop of disgust and judgment. And I wasn’t interested in breaking out of it. 

Then Election Day happened. At first I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. This was not an electoral college anomaly. This was a massive shift in a huge number of people in all states deciding that they were okay with a sexual predator who ran on a promise of mass deportation and vengeance against his enemies. A man who has made his dreams of authoritative rule well known in between bizarre and rambling campaign speeches. 

That was the man the majority of Americans wanted to lead them? What was wrong with people? 

I spent the next few days trying to figure that out. In order to properly do so, I had to do my best to remove my biases and start to see the election from another perspective. Or, rather, from two new perspectives. One historical, and one more personal. On the historical side, I found it immensely comforting to realize how common it is for countries to reject the party in charge when they are unhappy with the economy. The reality of what Trump's economic plans will actually do for America was less important than the belief that change is needed. The Democrats refused to acknowledge that the system isn’t working (likely because the economy is “technically” good despite the cost of living being far too high) so people rallied behind the one candidate explicitly promising more money in their pockets. The fact that they believed he will be able to deliver on that promise is more of an issue regarding critical thinking skills and the power of misinformation than an indictment on people’s character. 

I was also reminded of the fact that people are still reeling from the long term impacts of Covid. We all lived through a collective trauma that continues to impact how we view and show up in the world. Lessons learned from the Spanish Flu in 1918 suggest that these major health crises can lead to a rise in the appeal of authoritarian rule. Not to mention that the rest of the world is  becoming more conservative making this less of a distinctly American problem and more of a moment in time if you will. 

Most importantly, my deep dive helped me make sense of how seemingly kind and good people can vote for a known rapist who spews racial hatred on the regular. The answer to this is complicated as there are certainly a large contingent of people who are particularly drawn to those components of his personality. But there are also others who “don’t like what he says” but “thinks he has good policies.” I am not someone who can separate someone’s racial and gender-based beliefs from whatever they may or may not have to offer as a politician. But I am learning that many, many people can. People are suffering and they are desperate and when a loud, confident man offers them a solution, it can be appealing to take it. 

I’m also realizing that for many Trump supporters what they think will happen in a second term and what non-MAGA supporters think will happen in a second term couldn’t be further apart. Many Republicans believe that Trump won’t follow through on his promises of using the justice department to go after his personal enemies and they believe that he won’t enforce a national abortion ban (even though he has flip flopped on this multiple times and is directly responsible for the fall of Roe V. Wade). Whether they aren’t willing to face the reality of what a second Trump term will actually mean due to their being duped by misinformation or their inability to confront what they just did to the world is impossible to say. 

All I know is that so many of them don’t seem to understand why we are terrified. And this is the part where, however unlikely, I find hope.

It is one thing to be excited about Trump because you explicitly hate women, immigrants and all members of the LGBTQ+ community. These people very much exist in his base and might grow with time. But I don’t think they are the majority of the people that voted for him. Instead, I think the majority of people don’t fully understand what is coming. They voted for their wallets and their self-interest. And while that isn’t nothing, it is different from solely being fueled by White Supremacy and Christian Nationalism. 

If we are going to salvage what has become of America, we need to do a better job of reconnecting with the second part of his supporters. My approach of shame and rejection clearly didn’t work and often caused people to double down on their support for Trump because, it turns out, people hate being shamed and rejected. My embarrassingly late realization about this is why I am now open and curious about how to maintain relationships with people who voted for Trump.

One thing that might make this goal a bit easier than it was two weeks ago, is that they won. We no longer have to tell them all the ways Trump will hurt Americans and people all over the world. We don’t need to engage in emotionally charged arguments desperately trying to make them see the light. Instead, Trump’s policies and actions will prove those points for us. We can literally say, “Okay, let's see what happens.” (While also doing our best to work hard to protect the most vulnerable and try to mitigate the inevitable damage as much as possible both locally and nationally. Even if you don’t have to tell them about that part!) 

At the same time, I think it is important that they extend the same courtesy to us. The relationships most worth maintaining despite political differences are the ones where both parties are able to say, “I see where you are coming from, even if I don’t agree with you.” 

It is going to be really hard to be in touch with a Trump supporter who throws his victory in your face and tells you you have nothing to be afraid of or that you are overreacting. What is more tenable is finding ways to have emotionally-focused conversations with people who can hear and validate your fears and concerns despite not thinking your predictions for the future will come true. 

Can they at least say, “I understand why you are scared, even if I don’t think you need to be. While we have different views on what is best for the future of our country, please know that I value your safety and security over a single politician. And if any of your fears somehow come true–even though I strongly believe they won't–I will be there for you.” 

If the Trump supporters in your life can give you that, if they can make space for your feelings and admit that none of us know how this will all play out, then that feels like a relationship worth saving. At least in my newfound opinion. 

xoxo,

Allison 

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