CARING FOR ME SO I CAN CARE FOR YOU

I flew home to New York last Sunday from Los Angeles because my mom was in the hospital. She’s dealing with a currently undefined neurological condition that makes it difficult for her to walk and use her right arm. So I booked a one way flight and plan to stay for at least a month.

As I prepared for the last-minute trip, a selfish thought crossed my mind. How was I going to go swimming? You see after years of at home strength training using YouTube videos and a room too small for proper chest flies, I had finally found a solution for my weekday exercise routine. Since the end of June, I’ve been going to a local pool and swimming laps five times a week. The impact of this change has been significant. I no longer go to bed dreading my workout and I’ve felt a sense of mental contentment that is normally elusive to me. I worried that I was about to have to break this helpful habit during a time when I’ll probably need it most.

So I decided that was simply not going to be an option. I spent too much time learning about the strain of caregiving during my master’s program to not be proactive in taking care of myself as I prepared to take care of my mom. Before I even left for New York, I started looking into swimming options near my parents’ house. The day after she got home from the hospital, I drove over to the local JCC and signed up for a pool membership. And I’ve already been swimming three times.

It can feel unnatural to think about our own needs when someone we love needs our help. But if we hope to maintain any sort of caregiving stamina, we have to be extra mindful of attending to ourselves, so we don’t burn out. I know from experience that I’m not going to be very helpful if I’m exhausted and have no frustration tolerance because my mental health is deteriorating.

I reminded myself of this while attending to my parents’ laundry last week. This is an area of domesticity where my mother excels. My father often jokes that he knew he wanted to marry her when she folded his karate gi perfectly. I, on the other hand, tend to take a good enough approach when it comes to folding and separating lights and darks. (Shout’s Color Catchers saved my life, even if I’ve occasionally forgotten to use them and ruined a few outfits.) I simply don’t have the patience or fine motor skills to easily do everyone’s laundry at the level my mom does it. Realizing this, I decided I had a choice. I could either spend an exorbitant amount of time attempting to make it all look perfect, or I could simply do my best and keep my sanity. I decided on the latter and told my mom to just not look in the linen closet for the time being. She agreed and now doing my parents’ laundry is a manageable task and not an overwhelming burden.

Another part of what has helped me keep up my stamina is not being afraid to ask others for help. I’m incredibly fortunate that my sister lives nearby and we’ve been able to delegate the various tasks between us and my father. Like this past Friday when I was on a deadline to get a copy of my novel back to my editor and I completely broke my phone while walking my dog. Without me even asking, my sister offered to take it to the Apple Store for me and instead of feeling bad for inconveniencing her and declining, I immediately took her up on it, gushing with gratitude. I was able to finish my work while technicians worked their magic in time for me to pick it up at the end of the day. (I still have no idea what the hell happened or how they fixed the completely black screen, but I can live with that mystery since it had a happy—and free—ending.)

I also used this mentality of asking for support when it came to my husband. Initially he wasn’t planning to join me in New York for a few weeks, but I realized that I’d prefer for him to come sooner. Once he agreed and booked his ticket, we talked about what he would need to care for himself during this time as well. The answers were: space in the house to do his work, access to a gym and physical therapy appointments. So we set him up in my mom’s office, asked my sister if he could work out at her house with all its fancy equipment and got the contact info for my parents favorite PT location.

Prioritizing these kinds of things—like making sure my dad is still able to play Pickleball for his own mental and physical health—are just as important as booking my mom’s occupational therapy appointments. We all need to stay strong to help her get stronger. And we are extremely fortunate to have enough people helping that we’re all able to take the breaks we need and rotate responsibilities (like when my sister needed a day off to attend to all the things she couldn’t do while spending all her time in the hospital.)

I don’t think this approach of caring for myself during such an uncertain and difficult time would come as naturally if my mother hadn’t ingrained this type of thinking in us. Despite all she is going through, she remains mindful of our wellbeing and actively encourages us to care for ourselves. While we don’t need her explicit permission to do so, it certainty makes it easier and alleviates feelings that might otherwise fester into guilt.

I’m not sure what these next few weeks will bring as we wait to learn more, but I am certain we will continue to pass the baton around as we keep going (and going). And for that, I am deeply grateful.

xoxo,

Allison

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