FROM THE VAULT:

LIFE ISN’T FAIR AND OTHER HELPFUL THINGS I TELL MYSELF

Hello Emotional Support Community!

A bunch of people have asked if my previous blogs from my Patreon will be available here so I’ve decided that Wednesdays will be rerelease day where I share some of my favorite old blogs and videos! Leave a comment if there are any in particular you’d like to see here! Happy Reading!

LIFE ISN’T FAIR AND OTHER HELPFUL THINGS I TELL MYSELF

One of the things I often struggle with is how much control we have over our own lives. On the one hand, I think we have far more control over our internal worlds than we are led to believe. We can change neural pathways and break bad habits. We can work toward living lives full of purpose that are aligned with our values. What we can’t do--at least not on our own--is make structural changes to broken or harmful systems like American healthcare or racism. We also can’t control other people. I can’t force a television network to give me a TV show or convince someone to love me back because I put our love on a vision board and I really want them to love me back. So how do we accept these two truths? We have control but we can’t control everything? For me, it’s by gently reminding myself that life isn’t fair.

Declaring “life isn’t fair” may seem like a defeatist way to approach the world, but it’s actually had a positive effect on my life. One of my issues with positive psychology is that it puts all the onus on the individual to solve everything. If you just think the right way, your life will be perfect! The flip side of this logic is that if something goes wrong, it’s your fault. By accepting life isn’t fair, I am relinquishing some control. I am not holding myself personally responsible for everything that doesn’t go according to plan in my life. Sometimes shit happens. Systems work against you. That one job you really wanted goes to someone’s nephew, not because they are more talented than you but because they are someone’s nephew! And while nepotism isn’t fair, it is a part of life. Knowing this can make you justifiably angry but it can also be an opportunity for self-compassion. You are living in an unfair world. How can you expect yourself to accomplish every goal and climb every mountain when the system is rigged against you? You can’t. So give yourself a dose of kindness instead of a stern talking to when some things inevitably don’t work out.

Life’s inherent unfairness could be a reason to stop trying. It would be easy to throw up our hands and say, “what’s the point!” We could relinquish all our hopes and goals and retreat into our worst selves. But we don’t do that. Instead, we keep trying despite life’s unfairness and I think that is an incredible show of strength. We show up on election day to push for better policies and better candidates. We show up for each other when someone has been dealt an unfair hand. And we strive for a more just future. We put in the good fight day after day in a society that falsely informs us that the worthy are rewarded and the “unworthy” deserve what they get. I can’t think of anything less true. And yet when it comes to ourselves, we often buy into this premise.

Life is not a meritocracy. The most talented people don’t automatically rise to the top. Your current inability to reach your goals or the level of success that you aspire to isn’t a direct reflection of you. Sure, sometimes we aren’t trying hard enough, or we might not have the natural talent needed for certain things. But a lot of times it simply boils down to the fact that life isn’t fair. Think about our last president. Did he deserve to be president? Did he have the qualifications necessary? Absolutely not! But he was still president. Whenever you see someone having more success than you and it starts to make you feel bad about yourself, remember, Trump was president. Other people’s success is not an indicator of your value. Often, it is just more proof that life is a bit of a shitshow.

Remembering that life isn’t fair also allows me to keep track of my privilege. It is a reminder that I got incredibly lucky with the hand I was dealt. I am not successful in my career simply because I “earned it.” I am successful because my parents were able to get me the mental health care I needed and pay for me to pursue my creative dreams. There were two years in my twenties when I barely made any money. I could not have done that without my family’s support. That is not fair. It is privilege. All forms of privilege are inherently unfair. The least we can do is be aware of this instead of pretending we all started off on the same playing field.

Not everyone is going to find comfort in my outlook. For many, focusing on life’s unfairness might only ignite rage, which is justifiable! But life is overwhelming. And I have found it helpful to have a worldview that allows me to navigate it better. We don’t all need to share the same view or make sense of the world in the same way. But—for me--there is substantial comfort in simply having an outlook at all. I wonder what lens you all see the world through. Mine is filled not just with unfairness but also heaps of hope, kindness and a perseverance to not give up even in the face of an unjust system. And while I might not always like what I see, there is always enough beauty to keep going.

Xoxo,

Allison