One of the most memorable trips of my life happened in August 2020. After two days in the car (my longest road trip by far) I met my parents at a beautiful house in Colorado. For a whole week we played games, explored the property and swam in the company of two dogs who maybe had an even better time than we did. Multiple antics ensued, including my father mistakenly calling a restaurant in Massachusetts despite us being in Colorado. I find myself thinking of this trip quite often. The only problem is my ex-fiancé was there. And it feels weird to remember it so fondly.
For a long time, I thought that once a relationship was over so was your access to any positive memories. I thought that I had to shut my brain off from thinking about the good times in order to protect my heart. So I would immediately erase any pictures and throw out any remnants of the person who hurt me. When my ex-fiancé came to collect his things after I was already back in New York with my family, I left him a pile of everything he had ever given me. I couldn’t bear the thought of keeping it and I mistakenly hoped that seeing all our memories in one place would make him realize he was making a mistake (this did not work). But now I am left without those pretty bracelets I loved so much and yet I still somehow remember the pain of him leaving. Maybe my elaborate plan to protect myself was a bit misguided.
So much of my life has been spent with people who no longer populate it. I no longer speak to the person who was my best friend for years in my twenties. Yet my mind is still filled with memories of us. Like the time we rushed to get to a wedding in Santa Barbara and each ran into the respective male/female bathrooms at the hotel to change only to suddenly come face to face with each other because they had knocked down the walls during construction. That is an objectively funny story. I don’t want to have to stop being able to tell it because our friendship ultimately ended in a confusing and painful way.
When I was younger, my all or nothing thinking made it hard for me to enjoy these kinds of memories. I thought it was somehow disingenuous to tell a story about me and my “friend” if that person was no longer my friend. I thought any memory of an ex was tinged with his later rejection of me. But I am starting to rethink all of this. Memories can be remembered in the context of when they were formed instead of adding on what happened later. When I almost ran face first into my best friend in a demolished hotel bathroom neither of us knew we wouldn’t be speaking a few years later. There was no animosity or hurt lingering in the dust-filled air. There was just the two of us hysterically laughing and rushing out to find another place to change. We knew we were forming a memory as it was happening. Losing his friendship was hard enough. I don’t also want to lose our time together because of my ego or my inability to hold multiple truths at once.
One of the things that helped me get through my abandonment was not shitting over my memories with my ex. It would have been easy for me to decide that none of the relationship was real and he never loved me. This is a familiar masochistic refrain I’ve fallen into in the past. It’s also a super effective way to kick yourself when you’re down. But I went out of my way not to do that this time. Whenever I start to question if he ever loved me, I think about this one Instagram video I’ve since deleted. We were practicing the Bachelor Nation jump hug where the woman runs and then leaps onto the man, wrapping her legs around his torso. In that video I distinctively remember him looking at me with a face filled with love as I flailed into his open arms. He might not have loved me when he walked out. But he loved me then. And knowing this, or choosing to believe this, brings me some version of peace.
There is one memory in particular though that I have more complicated feelings about and that’s his proposal. For years I have loved to hear other people’s engagement stories. It’s probably my favorite type of story. Romance and surprise? Come on! It doesn’t get much better than that. My ex knew this about me and knew that I would want a proposal that would one day be a great story. And boy did he deliver. I LOVED his proposal which was filled with private jokes and a scavenger hunt around our (then) shared apartment. Until he left, it was the best moment of my life. But now that he’s gone I wonder, can it still be the best moment of my life? Can I still look back on that day as the perfect proposal? Or is it irreparably tainted by the fact that we never made it down the aisle?
As always, the answer likely lies somewhere in the middle. I can love and appreciate the memory without it defining my life. I can continue to build a new relationship while still looking back with a smile. Regardless of how cruelly he left me, he put the time and effort into giving me my dream come true in the moment. That memory is a reminder that I am worth that time and effort. And it is a reminder that much like I didn’t know I was going to be proposed to on that random Thursday, I also don’t know what’s in store for me tomorrow. One huge advantage of your fiancé leaving you is that you get to fall in love again.
So, yes, many of my memories are tainted. But how many things are truly untouched? Almost all of life involves some sort of caveat. If I threw the baby out with the bathwater, I would be left with almost nothing. I get to choose what to keep, and I am going to keep the good memories along with the bad. I’ll remember that wedding weekend with my friend and I’ll remember him later breaking my heart by ending our friendship. I’ll remember my perfect proposal and I’ll remember the pain I felt returning the ring. But I won’t waste my time trying to solve the mysteries of either ending, because as my old therapist once said, I have to go out and make some new memories now.
xoxo,
Allison
***This blog was originally posted in November, 2021 on my Patreon. I’ll be posting new (old) posts every Wednesday!***
This topic is so extremely relatable to me. I am only 24 but I feel as though almost every single person in my life is transient, with my interpersonal relationships so often ending in ways that leave me confused or unknowing. I have also had friends turn against me, for example, I had a friend I repeatedly tried to assist in getting mental help (per her wishes, at her pace) and she would even get into states where others would contact me in distress because they were worried for her life, asking me what I can do to help. This friend later called me toxic when she started making worse decisions and cutting people off, despite previously telling me I was the only one who gets it and is there for her, and not giving me any explanation (by flat out denying an explanation to me when I asked politely). I also can totally relate to that feeling from a previous partner as well; I can’t help but still oscillate between feeling like none of the relationship was real or true, back to thinking how genuine that connection and love felt and thinking it must’ve been real to some extent. And it’s frustrating my brain focuses on these ruminating thoughts so often when it does nothing to serve me in my current relationship, and only triggers my anxieties and compulsions around relationships. I know I’m “young” but I could die at any time, and I see many my age having plenty of close relationships, some spanning back to childhood. It’s hard to fight the default feeling of something being “wrong” with me after going through these traumas. But reading that you and others have dealt with this as well reminds me that I can do everything right and still be fucked over by someone. That’s just one of the risks of having bonds with people. But it holds me back from seeking those connections I have yet to find.
This resonates so much! A good friend of mine stopped speaking to me rather abruptly last year and I've been feeling very unsettled about the last few months of that relationship trying to figure out what exactly went wrong. The last line in particular is going to be so helpful for me moving forward: less rumination, more living! (Also thank you for posting your old blogs here; I was a patreon subscriber but eternally behind on posts!)