This topic is so extremely relatable to me. I am only 24 but I feel as though almost every single person in my life is transient, with my interpersonal relationships so often ending in ways that leave me confused or unknowing. I have also had friends turn against me, for example, I had a friend I repeatedly tried to assist in getting mental help (per her wishes, at her pace) and she would even get into states where others would contact me in distress because they were worried for her life, asking me what I can do to help. This friend later called me toxic when she started making worse decisions and cutting people off, despite previously telling me I was the only one who gets it and is there for her, and not giving me any explanation (by flat out denying an explanation to me when I asked politely). I also can totally relate to that feeling from a previous partner as well; I can’t help but still oscillate between feeling like none of the relationship was real or true, back to thinking how genuine that connection and love felt and thinking it must’ve been real to some extent. And it’s frustrating my brain focuses on these ruminating thoughts so often when it does nothing to serve me in my current relationship, and only triggers my anxieties and compulsions around relationships. I know I’m “young” but I could die at any time, and I see many my age having plenty of close relationships, some spanning back to childhood. It’s hard to fight the default feeling of something being “wrong” with me after going through these traumas. But reading that you and others have dealt with this as well reminds me that I can do everything right and still be fucked over by someone. That’s just one of the risks of having bonds with people. But it holds me back from seeking those connections I have yet to find.
Thank you so much for sharing all of this. I relate to so much of it. I often find myself envious of others who have strong friend groups that have lasted their whole life. But I also know if I continue to prioritize friendships and relationships--even though it is so scary--my life will be better for it (despite some hard times). Sending so much love xoxo A
This resonates so much! A good friend of mine stopped speaking to me rather abruptly last year and I've been feeling very unsettled about the last few months of that relationship trying to figure out what exactly went wrong. The last line in particular is going to be so helpful for me moving forward: less rumination, more living! (Also thank you for posting your old blogs here; I was a patreon subscriber but eternally behind on posts!)
If you have the capacity I would really like to hear more about friendship breakups and your experience dealing with! Especially ones that are with friends who you’re close with in your 20’s. They’ve felt like such formative years I can’t really imagine life w/o people who experienced it all with me!
I just wrote an advice column about this subject! But I'm sure I'll return to it again in the future. Part of what's helped me move forward without some of my best friends from that time is just realizing I am a different person now. They helped get me here but not everyone is meant to be in your life forever! xoxo A
This topic is so extremely relatable to me. I am only 24 but I feel as though almost every single person in my life is transient, with my interpersonal relationships so often ending in ways that leave me confused or unknowing. I have also had friends turn against me, for example, I had a friend I repeatedly tried to assist in getting mental help (per her wishes, at her pace) and she would even get into states where others would contact me in distress because they were worried for her life, asking me what I can do to help. This friend later called me toxic when she started making worse decisions and cutting people off, despite previously telling me I was the only one who gets it and is there for her, and not giving me any explanation (by flat out denying an explanation to me when I asked politely). I also can totally relate to that feeling from a previous partner as well; I can’t help but still oscillate between feeling like none of the relationship was real or true, back to thinking how genuine that connection and love felt and thinking it must’ve been real to some extent. And it’s frustrating my brain focuses on these ruminating thoughts so often when it does nothing to serve me in my current relationship, and only triggers my anxieties and compulsions around relationships. I know I’m “young” but I could die at any time, and I see many my age having plenty of close relationships, some spanning back to childhood. It’s hard to fight the default feeling of something being “wrong” with me after going through these traumas. But reading that you and others have dealt with this as well reminds me that I can do everything right and still be fucked over by someone. That’s just one of the risks of having bonds with people. But it holds me back from seeking those connections I have yet to find.
Thank you so much for sharing all of this. I relate to so much of it. I often find myself envious of others who have strong friend groups that have lasted their whole life. But I also know if I continue to prioritize friendships and relationships--even though it is so scary--my life will be better for it (despite some hard times). Sending so much love xoxo A
This resonates so much! A good friend of mine stopped speaking to me rather abruptly last year and I've been feeling very unsettled about the last few months of that relationship trying to figure out what exactly went wrong. The last line in particular is going to be so helpful for me moving forward: less rumination, more living! (Also thank you for posting your old blogs here; I was a patreon subscriber but eternally behind on posts!)
I'm so glad it was helpful! At a certain point we just have to forge ahead xoxox A
If you have the capacity I would really like to hear more about friendship breakups and your experience dealing with! Especially ones that are with friends who you’re close with in your 20’s. They’ve felt like such formative years I can’t really imagine life w/o people who experienced it all with me!
I just wrote an advice column about this subject! But I'm sure I'll return to it again in the future. Part of what's helped me move forward without some of my best friends from that time is just realizing I am a different person now. They helped get me here but not everyone is meant to be in your life forever! xoxo A