I regularly read parts of your newsletter out loud to my therapist and she told me to thank you for helping me articulate a lot of the things I’ve been feeling. She also says “yeah I told you that too you know”
Thank you for your work. I lost my mother in November and I've been trying to navigate everything without her. Your journey through grief has helped me so much with connecting with my own grief
Allison, you've shown how much you've grown regarding your mental health, you've also achieved a sense of stability and companionship with John, and although there are plenty of ups and downs as a creative, you seem fulfilled and working with dedication toward your goals. You keep taking steps forward with your life. From what I could tell, your closest family seemed aligned and supportive during your mother's rapid decline. You've embraced your goofiness in a way that I believe is very healing and joyous. As an outsider, I wonder if all these things combined factor into your ability to cope with what was once unthinkable, in addition to your greater window of tolerance.
I've always related to you because my worst fear was losing my mom, and my best friends were/are my parents (I am also a big goof, heh). My mom nearly died from a stroke when I was eleven. She developed ALS when I was 18 and passed when I was 21, and her decline absolutely broke me and confirmed my worst fears. But here's the difference: My social network at that time rapidly crumbled into nothing (I didn't know I was autistic at that time), my family was not aligned in the way we were handling my mom's health, my dad lost his job and we had to move out of my childhood home and away from my remaining community, I was failing school because of all this (I held my intelligence and high grades as my only self-worth), and I fell into a burnout and depression so profound that when I wasn't taking care of my mom, I was bedridden. After she passed, I slept up to 20 hours a day, and this lasted for nearly two years. I'm 35 this year and I still feel that those years broke something in my brain that has never recovered. I did intensive therapy for CPTSD for five years, and the bar was so low that when I reflect on it now, my only goal was achieving some small moments of peace and good vibes, instead of increasing my window of tolerance.
I share all this because I want you to believe me when I say: I am so very glad for you that your mom's death did not break you, and I also firmly believe that a loss like that doesn't have to. I know that if I had had the proper support, if I had a life beyond my parents, if I had a greater window of tolerance, and had done enough work on my mental health, I wouldn't have broken. And I know it's not too late for me either...I'm still patching up the giant fissure, I might be for the rest of my life, but I'm trying to increase my own window of tolerance now as well...though periods of peace and rest and good vibes are still welcome haha!
Thank you so much for sharing this, Liz. I'm personally blown away by your strength. I know if I had lost my mom that young it would have been a totally different story. I'm so glad that you are still fighting for moments of joy and peace--you deserve them. Sending you so much love, A
“Instead, we want to strengthen our tolerance for discomfort. Because once we know we can tolerate discomfort, it becomes easier to navigate a world that is filled with horrible things.”
I’ve been struggling through moments of intense rage and sadness about the reality of our world being filled with horrible things and this was really helpful for me to read. Thank you.
love this: "therapist RaQuel Hopkins... made the bold claim that the mental health industry has focused too much on pushing the idea of protecting your peace when really the better avenue for mental stability is increasing your tolerance for discomfort"
sometimes people talk about "getting out of your comfort zone." i prefer to think of it as Expanding my comfort zone, to include being more comfortable with things that were previously (and maybe still are) less comfortable.
As a fellow OCD "survivor" -pure OCD to be specific- I think this mentality is life changing and I feel like this is the best read I have had for a long while, so thank you very much!
This is a beautiful post, thank you for it. May your mother's memory be a blessing. I would imagine that the ideal of putting one's self in discomfort's way (& not harm ofc) is to also if I can add, one day be one's fullest self in the midst of discomfort, to create space for ourselves while keenly attentive to & mindful of the outer world. Your beautiful and key post inspired this thought. Would you agree? To then act in deep alignment to our core selves, we are with It All. Keeping that beautiful rich goal like a tapestry in the mind (lol sorry for poetry moment!) I would imagine would only motivate us all further into a meaningful, and often difficult life (to our design ofc). And then we can each also parse what is meaningful discomfort VS like...billionaire cold plunges for ex, discomfort for discomfort's sake
Allison, I too felt my OCD tendencies shift when my mother passed, and it surprised me. It wasn't that I didn't feel the grief and sorrow, but it was that I tapped into the nuance rather than merely the negative. It's not easy being a nuance-noticer.
I think people with OCD are born poets and existentialists, and to bend William Carlos Williams, it's hard to get the news every day from what poetry shows us.
When our little existentialist-poetic minds are fearing the end of not just our existence but of all of those we love--and beyond!-we forget that we have Kierkegaard:
"It is perfectly true, as philosophers say, that life must be understood backwards. But they forget the other proposition, that it must be lived forwards."
"What is a poet? An unhappy man who hides deep anguish in his heard, but whose lips are so formed that when the sigh and cry pass through them, it sounds like lovely music."
"To venture causes anxiety, but not to venture is to lose one's self.. And to venture in the highest is precisely to be conscious of one's self. "
I learned to listen and I listen to learn in recovery. It also taught me how to get comfortable with the uncomfortable. Thanks for sharing your journey on this path.
I regularly read parts of your newsletter out loud to my therapist and she told me to thank you for helping me articulate a lot of the things I’ve been feeling. She also says “yeah I told you that too you know”
This comment brings me an obscene amount of joy! Thank you for reading <3 A
Thank you for your work. I lost my mother in November and I've been trying to navigate everything without her. Your journey through grief has helped me so much with connecting with my own grief
I'm so glad to have been helpful in any way. May her memory be a blessing <3
Allison, you've shown how much you've grown regarding your mental health, you've also achieved a sense of stability and companionship with John, and although there are plenty of ups and downs as a creative, you seem fulfilled and working with dedication toward your goals. You keep taking steps forward with your life. From what I could tell, your closest family seemed aligned and supportive during your mother's rapid decline. You've embraced your goofiness in a way that I believe is very healing and joyous. As an outsider, I wonder if all these things combined factor into your ability to cope with what was once unthinkable, in addition to your greater window of tolerance.
I've always related to you because my worst fear was losing my mom, and my best friends were/are my parents (I am also a big goof, heh). My mom nearly died from a stroke when I was eleven. She developed ALS when I was 18 and passed when I was 21, and her decline absolutely broke me and confirmed my worst fears. But here's the difference: My social network at that time rapidly crumbled into nothing (I didn't know I was autistic at that time), my family was not aligned in the way we were handling my mom's health, my dad lost his job and we had to move out of my childhood home and away from my remaining community, I was failing school because of all this (I held my intelligence and high grades as my only self-worth), and I fell into a burnout and depression so profound that when I wasn't taking care of my mom, I was bedridden. After she passed, I slept up to 20 hours a day, and this lasted for nearly two years. I'm 35 this year and I still feel that those years broke something in my brain that has never recovered. I did intensive therapy for CPTSD for five years, and the bar was so low that when I reflect on it now, my only goal was achieving some small moments of peace and good vibes, instead of increasing my window of tolerance.
I share all this because I want you to believe me when I say: I am so very glad for you that your mom's death did not break you, and I also firmly believe that a loss like that doesn't have to. I know that if I had had the proper support, if I had a life beyond my parents, if I had a greater window of tolerance, and had done enough work on my mental health, I wouldn't have broken. And I know it's not too late for me either...I'm still patching up the giant fissure, I might be for the rest of my life, but I'm trying to increase my own window of tolerance now as well...though periods of peace and rest and good vibes are still welcome haha!
Thank you so much for sharing this, Liz. I'm personally blown away by your strength. I know if I had lost my mom that young it would have been a totally different story. I'm so glad that you are still fighting for moments of joy and peace--you deserve them. Sending you so much love, A
“Instead, we want to strengthen our tolerance for discomfort. Because once we know we can tolerate discomfort, it becomes easier to navigate a world that is filled with horrible things.”
I’ve been struggling through moments of intense rage and sadness about the reality of our world being filled with horrible things and this was really helpful for me to read. Thank you.
I'm so glad it resonated! Sending love!
dear allison,
thank you for sharing!
love this: "therapist RaQuel Hopkins... made the bold claim that the mental health industry has focused too much on pushing the idea of protecting your peace when really the better avenue for mental stability is increasing your tolerance for discomfort"
sometimes people talk about "getting out of your comfort zone." i prefer to think of it as Expanding my comfort zone, to include being more comfortable with things that were previously (and maybe still are) less comfortable.
thanks as always!
love
myq
Thank you, Myq!!
You are right. Grief is like that pebble in your shoe that you just get used to. Thanks for sharing.
I love this analogy and will be using it!! Thank you for sharing!
So much wisdom
Thank you for reading <3 A
Your posts always articulate complex issues so well. Am also discussing this exact issue in therapy right now !!
Sending you so much love! Life is so tricky!
Sometimes in life one must simply work through the pain.
<3
As a fellow OCD "survivor" -pure OCD to be specific- I think this mentality is life changing and I feel like this is the best read I have had for a long while, so thank you very much!
Oh wow! Thank you for the kind words--they mean a lot!
This is my favourite of your posts so far...thank you Allison! I think this will stick with me.
Thank you so much!! I really appreciate it <3 A
This is a beautiful post, thank you for it. May your mother's memory be a blessing. I would imagine that the ideal of putting one's self in discomfort's way (& not harm ofc) is to also if I can add, one day be one's fullest self in the midst of discomfort, to create space for ourselves while keenly attentive to & mindful of the outer world. Your beautiful and key post inspired this thought. Would you agree? To then act in deep alignment to our core selves, we are with It All. Keeping that beautiful rich goal like a tapestry in the mind (lol sorry for poetry moment!) I would imagine would only motivate us all further into a meaningful, and often difficult life (to our design ofc). And then we can each also parse what is meaningful discomfort VS like...billionaire cold plunges for ex, discomfort for discomfort's sake
I love this outlook! We have to be able to hold it all--the good and the bad. xoxo A
Allison, I too felt my OCD tendencies shift when my mother passed, and it surprised me. It wasn't that I didn't feel the grief and sorrow, but it was that I tapped into the nuance rather than merely the negative. It's not easy being a nuance-noticer.
I think people with OCD are born poets and existentialists, and to bend William Carlos Williams, it's hard to get the news every day from what poetry shows us.
When our little existentialist-poetic minds are fearing the end of not just our existence but of all of those we love--and beyond!-we forget that we have Kierkegaard:
"It is perfectly true, as philosophers say, that life must be understood backwards. But they forget the other proposition, that it must be lived forwards."
"What is a poet? An unhappy man who hides deep anguish in his heard, but whose lips are so formed that when the sigh and cry pass through them, it sounds like lovely music."
"To venture causes anxiety, but not to venture is to lose one's self.. And to venture in the highest is precisely to be conscious of one's self. "
Thanks for this lovely post and reminder.
PS I think you new hair color looks fantastic.
Thank you so much for sharing these quotes with me! I absolutely adore them! (I also really appreciate that you like the new hair!) Sending love, A
Thank you for this. It’s one of the first things to help me reframe my own grief as something that can also precipitate growth.
Oh I am so glad! Sending love, A
100%
I learned to listen and I listen to learn in recovery. It also taught me how to get comfortable with the uncomfortable. Thanks for sharing your journey on this path.