TW: Suicidal Ideation
Some days I have dark thoughts. I’ll think things like, “Everything sucks, and I suck.” Or even worse, “I don’t want to live anymore.” The thoughts themselves aren’t surprising because I grew up with them. Dark thoughts used to be such a regular part of my life that even the most disturbing content doesn’t shock me. What is surprising is the difference of their impact now that I’m in a better mental place.
It might seem weird that I am having these thoughts at all and still consider myself to be in a better place. But I think having an expectation that “better” means the complete absence of something bad is unrealistic. It also sets us up to be disappointed or feel like a failure when the darkness inevitably creeps in again. So what I’ve been focused on isn’t vanquishing the bad once and for all but controlling my reaction to its presence and not letting it derail me as much.
In the past when I would have dark thoughts, I believed them. I believed that I was garbage and would never amount to anything. I believed that I truly wanted to die. And, most upsettingly, I believed that I would always feel this way. Now when I think these thoughts, I don’t see them as true or valid. I don’t see them as proof of my doomed reality. The only value I see in them is that they are a signal that I am not doing so great. And this self-assessment has an important purpose because it identifies the lens through which I am currently viewing my behavior, the behavior of others and my internal world.
It's useful to know what lens I’m seeing the world through because it helps me predict if I am going to be rational or if it’s likely I’ll have heightened emotions. So when I get irritable or don’t feel like myself, I can say, “Oh, well that makes sense since I’m clearly in a bad place. Remember those dark and untrue thoughts earlier? I’m clearly off today.” This level of noticing allows me to both take extra care of myself and not overly read into the things that are upsetting me. Is my career really doomed? Or is my negativity simply winning today? Since I can’t predict the actual future of my career, it behooves me to go with the second one.
Part of what makes these dark thoughts not that big of a deal is how many of them I’ve had. I’ve started to view them like a mild allergy that will pop up from time to time. They can certainty be treated with a dose of self-compassion, food, exercise and better sleep. But I don’t need to rush myself to the hypothetical emergency ward. I know that they will eventually go away and overly fixating on them just gives them more steam.
Having this perspective allows me to practice letting the thought pass through me. I don’t challenge it. I don’t try to provide a list of reasons why I definitely don’t suck or why life is actually worth living because then I’m in a fight with my own brain, which is exhausting. And sometimes triggering. So instead, I go, “Huh. That’s an interesting thing to be thinking right now.” And I go about my day. Because, at least for me, it is through the process of living that I show myself why it is worth it and how I don’t actually suck.
I guess I could view it as frustrating that these thoughts still linger on my bad days or that I even have bad days at all. But I am a human who deals with mental health issues. And I am living during a particularly tumultuous time in history with an unstable career filled with rejection and painful comparisons. When I view it this way, it’s a victory that these dark thoughts don’t consume my mind every waking moment. For every “my life is terrible” thought I’ve had in the past few months, I’ve had hundreds more “my life is wonderful.” I never thought I would get to that kind of ratio. There was a time when I was just hoping for a balanced scale.
So yes, I have been battling some dark thoughts lately. But it seems unfair to even call it a battle. It’s more like a scrimmage between JV and varsity. Everyone knows varsity is going to win but JV is giving it their all anyway. It’s almost cute to see them try.
xoxo,
Allison
This is a really helpful perspective, thank you so much for sharing. I really needed to read this. I often feel defeated and then let that defeat me, and then feel bad about it, somehow placing the blame on myself when there’s no blame to be given out really. But I really agree with this and am going to work to reinforce these kinds of thoughts, especially this part: “Because, at least for me, it is through the process of living that I show myself why it is worth it and how I don’t actually suck.”
It's affirming to read this!!!! And a great reminder/encouragement for me to continue/resume working on this, too. A while ago I was trying to adopt a practice of treating my emotions as information, and not piling on guilt/shame/judgement for how I am feeling, but I think I just ran out of steam to keep pushing myself in that way. Upon reflection, I did find managing my reactions to my emotions and mental state to be one of the most helpful things to do while I am struggling to find professional help due to my financial situation. Thanks for this reminder and your generosity in all that you share about your life and experience/mental health!