HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU’RE IN THE RIGHT RELATIONSHIP?

I’ve spent a lot of time in the last few years researching romantic relationships. I interviewed experts and couples for my books, and I took classes on couples therapy during my grad program. I also got engaged twice and married once. Romantic relationships aren’t just an area of interest for me, they’ve become tied to my professional and personal identity. I love partnership and I want to help people figure out how to find and sustain it (if that’s a priority for them).

It is an interesting moment to be so invested in partnership, though, because we live in a time when coupling up is no longer, at least in U.S., a requirement. It has become more of a personal choice, meaning we can be more discerning about who we choose to commit to. We also have more potential options than ever before due to dating apps and the ability to slide into a total stranger’s DMS. As I’ve written about in the past, this plethora of candidates can sometimes lead to choice overload or a worry that there is always someone better waiting around the corner. As our collective focus has shifted toward “soulmate logic,” there is a harmful belief being passed around that when you know you know. So, if you don’t know for sure you must be with the wrong person.

I used to fall into this trap. When friends would complain about a partner or express doubts, I would take that as sign that they could be happier elsewhere. But then time passed, and I saw some of those same people not only stay but get married to the person who had once been in question. A younger version of me might have described this as settling. But now I view it differently. Most relationships have a period of assessment, when partners are trying to figure out if this is a relationship worth committing to in the long term. It is an internal negotiation that doesn’t automatically doom a relationship but instead signals that a person is taking a major life choice seriously. Much like someone would carefully weigh whether to take a new job or move to a new city. How can you possibly contemplate the cost/benefit of a huge decision if you don’t let yourself think about it?

But, the problem with allowing yourself to consider and assess something is that it can be hard to know when to stop. There is no measuring tool for calculating if your relationship meets a certain threshold for success or satisfaction because everyone’s threshold is different. I have seen people be happy in relationships I would never want for myself and unhappy in partnerships that appear lovely. Part of what makes it so difficult to know if you are making the “right” decision is that no one can answer that question for you because no one else wants exactly what you want.

That said, I do think there are a few universal traits people should look for when on the hunt for a life partner or serious relationship. The most important of which is mutual respect. If you don’t respect each other, everything the other person does is going to be viewed through a lens of judgment and possible distaste. You are basically setting your partner up to fail because you aren’t expecting them to succeed. Next, I’d argue that another fundamental characteristic in a partner is an ability for empathy. This capacity can vary depending on your needs, but if you partner up with someone who has no ability to understand where you are coming from, life together will likely be an uphill battle. And finally, you don’t want to be with someone who has abusive tendencies--whether they be emotional, financial or physical.

After that though, it’s basically dealer’s choice, which is the scary part. You have to determine not only what you are looking for but what you are willing to tolerate. And I think this is the part we don’t talk about enough. We often divide traits into want or don’t want piles while ignoring the more difficult to assess third option: don’t want but can handle. For example, I doubt my husband was looking for a wife with contamination OCD. But based on a combination of his history and personality, he can handle and empathize with my disorder. I know that not everyone could do that. In the same way that not everyone would be comfortable marrying a screenwriter in the unstable entertainment industry. The parts of ourselves that cause turbulence in our relationship would cause a fiery crash for other people.

Every single person has flaws, contradictions and annoying habits. (Mine include an inability to read written instructions, a deep love of both socialistic ideals and money, and a lot of burping.) It is easy to love someone’s best qualities. What is more individual is our ability to accept the other parts. So, when you are trying to decide whether you want to spend the rest of your life or the decade with another person, I encourage you to look at the stuff that falls into that third pile. Can you tolerate their passion for fantasy football, or will it slowly eat away at you that you can never spend Sundays together from September to January? Can you understand their need to travel so much for work, or is it a signal that you have different core values? Can you learn to accept their irrational anxiety or is it gradually eroding your respect for them? Those are the kinds of questions with personalized answers.

I grew up with parents who aren’t two peas in a pod. They not only have different interests, but they also have different approaches to life. My father is a type-A go-getter while my mother would prefer to do everything at her own pace and without having to call anyone on the phone. These differences often lead to arguments and annoyances, but anyone who knows them well would describe them as best friends who are happily married. I think their relationship success is at least partially tied to their ability to stomach the parts of each other that weren’t their first choice. What would be dealbreakers for other people are simply irritations to them.

I know that this isn’t a romantic way to look at partnership. But, it is surprisingly practical. It can be impossible to know if you love you partner enough, especially if you have an anxious mind or relationship OCD. But it is easier to ask yourself, do I want to tolerate this thing for the rest of my life? This question is not only asking if the good parts of your partner make the undesirable thing worth it to you, but also if you are the kind of person who can handle the undesirable thing long term. It’s a good example of why compatibility is often more important than the intensity of your love. Because it doesn’t matter how much you love someone if an aspect of them causes you massive amounts of distress over and over (and over) again.

No one can tell you if you are in the “right” relationship. But, I believe it is something you can figure out for yourself if you know what you want, what you don’t want and what you can come to accept, even if it occasionally pisses you off. 

xoxo,

Allison

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