I DIDN’T LOSE WEIGHT FOR MY WEDDING

And Why That’s A Sign Of Progress

TW: Anti-Fat Bias, Weight Gain/Loss

I grew up thinking that gaining weight was one of the worst things that could happen to you. I received this message from the media, my family, my friends and eventually my own brain. I was so afraid of being fat, it never even occurred to me that I was incredibly skinny at certain points in my 20’s. My body was something that needed to be kept in control, not appreciated. It could always be better. It could always be thinner. It could always be more toned. I needed to launch a full defensive against what would certainly be a disastrous outcome (not being so thin that people continuously told me I was thin).

When I gained weight on Zoloft in my late 20’s, people around me, including strangers on the internet, started to panic. And over time their panic got to me. I switched medications and went on an extreme Jenny Craig diet to lose all the weight I’d gained. Thank God I was back to the “real” me. But over the last few years I have gained it all back plus another fifteen or so pounds. The number on my scale is something that would have been unimaginable to a younger me. (I remember being shocked that Jessica Simpson weighed a whopping 125 pounds at one point in my extremely skewed teen brain.) And yet, despite no longer being a size zero, I continue to exist. People who don’t know what I used to look like probably wouldn’t even think twice about my now extremely average weight. But despite all my work to unlearn the harmful bias of my youth, I still think about my thinner body. More than I would like to admit.

So as my wedding day approached, I waited for my old fear to take me. Sure, I have spent the last few years actively working to unlearn all that harmful messaging. I listened to Maintenance Phase, stopped criticizing myself and looked for other people who have mid-sized bodies like mine to normalize this new body type for myself. But a wedding is different than regular life. A wedding is filled with expectations and pressure and a promise of photographs that you’ll hang on your walls until you die (or get divorced). I figured I would cave under the weight of it all. That at some point as my big day approached my negative thoughts would get too powerful to ignore.

But as the months passed, this didn’t happen. Thoughts of dieting would float into my head. I found myself staring at my arms in the mirror, wishing they were smaller. I even watched my fiancé drop twenty pounds as I stayed the same size. And yet…I didn’t do anything about it. I didn’t deny myself my regular snacks or cravings. I didn’t try to change my medication in the hopes my weight gain was just a side effect and not my new natural state.

I realized that while I am not yet in a place where I don’t care about my weight at all, I no longer care enough to do anything about it. The fear of not being thin is no longer strong enough to consume me and change my behavior. And to me, that is a victory.

For all the great strides we have made when it comes to better representation and the rise of the body positivity and body neutrality movements, we are still human. It is very difficult to completely disengage from the anti-fat bias that continues to exist, even if it is a little bit less blatant than it was ten years ago. Expecting myself to not feel the urge to lose weight before a day that is almost entirely built around the physical appearance of the bride, is too much of a tall order for someone who grew up in my environment. But not giving into that urge—despite all the pressure—is a more achievable goal. And one I am proud to have accomplished.

Getting married at my current weight also proves that I don’t need to be an extra small to be loved and appreciated. I have built a full life for myself without obsessively counting calories or punishing myself for enjoying food. It’s made me realize that the fear that was so ingrained in me might have been built on a lie. My life is not cosmically worse because I am bigger than before. I have not lost the respect of my peers or the ability to feel joy. As someone who has battled mental illness, major knee surgeries and quite a bit of heartbreak, I now know for a fact that gaining weight isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you. It’s not even close.

All these realizations don’t mean I am completely healed or at peace with my fuller body. I haven’t gotten there yet. But I am proud that even when confronted with an event that could have caused a major backslide, I have managed to continue in the right direction. Or, at the very least, stood my ground. I know that on the day of my wedding my old insecurities might pop up, especially as I am surrounded by bridesmaids who are thinner than me, but I no longer fear they will be the loudest voice in my head. Instead, I will be far too focused on celebrating finding my husband after years of searching for a partner. Not to mention the ice cream cake.

xoxo,

Allison

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