I DON’T WANT TO BE INDEPENDENT

I often find myself in conversations with people who say they hate asking for help. They view it as an annoyance or weakness to not be able to do everything themselves. This always catches my attention because the idea of me being able to do everything by myself is laughable. For someone who juggles so much professionally, I have limited adult skills when it comes to certain aspects of my life. I constantly rely on my husband and my family to help with a variety of tasks. And I never feel less-than for having to do that, because we are meant to help each other. The American ideal of being hyper-independent doesn’t separate the wheat from the chaff---it simply burns everyone out. It’s the equivalent of bragging that you can drink a full glass of urine even though someone was offering you water the whole time.

Obviously, some of my perspective on this is blurred by my privilege. I grew up with supportive parents and never had to learn how to do everything by myself. Help was something freely given without strings attached so it wasn’t scary to ask for it. I know that is not the case for many children and lots of people have had to learn how to be fully independent to survive. That unfortunate reality, though, feels different than how our society praises and encourages independence. It’s not seen as a default option but as something everyone should strive for. And to that I say: bullshit.

If you’ve being reading my blog since the beginning, you’ll know that the idea of asking for help is something I’ve explored before. Most notably after I dislocated my knee in the JFK airport bathroom and was able to safely arrive back at my Los Angeles apartment only thanks to the kindness of strangers who helped me through one of the worst days of my life (which culminated in my dog going missing and multiple friends showing up to search for her). All my previous hesitation about asking people outside of my family for support flew out the window that day. I realized there are going to be times when we need random people to help us get back on our feet, and learning how to lean into gratitude instead of guilt in those moments is better for everyone involved.

The other big step in claiming my position against independence was learning about the term interdependence, which I have previously referred to on my Emotional Support Lady Instagram as “the sweet spot.” Interdependence is the idea that you rely on certain people in your life, while also being able to do some things by yourself. Another way to think about it is viewing your relationships as interconnected. I help you; you help me. This dynamic is important to foster, because it is difficult to feel truly safe in a relationship, especially a romantic one, if you sense you can’t depend on the other person. Conversely it can be scary if you are entirely dependent on another person because they might die, leave or abuse their control over you. Interdependence, though, allows us to remain unique individuals while working in community with each other.

My desire for interdependence has helped shape the dynamic of my marriage. Instead of creating a chore wheel where John and alternate who does what so we both know how to do everything, we each have our own domains. For example, I trust him to take care of the yard while he leaves it to me to track what our dogs need and when. This agreement means I have absolutely no idea how to turn the sprinklers on. Now this lack of knowledge would be scary if I was someone who wanted to feel independent. I would probably demand that he show me how to do it so I am prepared for all situations with or without him. Instead, I let him handle it because I trust that if something horrible were to happen, and I needed to learn how to care of our plants by myself, I would be able to do that. I just don’t need to learn how to do that now, while he is alive and handling it.

Another benefit of interdependence is that when you allow people to help you, you feel loved and cared for. And when people allow you to help them, you get to make them feel the same way. Relationships require work, time and compromise. It seems silly to do all of that and then not cash in on the benefits. Why bother to get married if I can’t depend on my husband to care for me when I am sick or fix the alarm system when it starts malfunctioning? Love is a wonderful thing, but it is only one aspect of a true partnership.

I don’t use this tactic just in my romantic relationship either. For years, I spent my time micromanaging and controlling my YouTube channel and podcast, Just Between Us, which I co-created with Gabe Dunn. This not only led to burnout, but it also led to resentment because I was doing too much. Now, I feel comfortable relying on Gabe and our producer Melisa to take care of their part of things. I’ll even occasionally ask if I can skip a week of listening to the podcast edit because I am too busy and I trust Gabe can handle it alone. Depending on them allows me to do all the different things I do without wanting to rip my hair out. I’ve realized it is worth someone not catching two seconds of dead air for me to be less stressed, and I feel lucky to be part of a team.

If you were a fly on the wall of my home, it might seem silly how often I loudly declare that I have no interest in being independent, but I believe that words matter. Every time I announce that I am not an independent woman, I am sending a signal to my brain that independence isn’t something to strive for. I am not a failure for needing or simply wanting help. Instead, I am taking a calculated risk that the payoff of depending on others is worth the possibility that they might not always be there. I believe that desire for independence is often fueled by fear or necessity. And if I am lucky enough to live without either of those things, you better believe I’m going to take advantage of it.

xoxo,

Allison

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