I often find myself in conversations with people who say they hate asking for help. They view it as an annoyance or weakness to not be able to do everything themselves. This always catches my attention because the idea of me being able to do everything by myself is laughable. For someone who juggles so much professionally, I have limited adult skills when it comes to certain aspects of my life. I constantly rely on my husband and my family to help with a variety of tasks. And I never feel less-than for having to do that, because we are meant to help each other. The American ideal of being hyper-independent doesn’t separate the wheat from the chaff---it simply burns everyone out. It’s the equivalent of bragging that you can drink a full glass of urine even though someone was offering you water the whole time.
another banger! love this! thank you for sharing! you are an interdependent woman!
some gems that stood out to me:
"the idea of me being able to do everything by myself is laughable"
"we are meant to help each other"
"when you allow people to help you, you feel loved and cared for"
also, are you familiar with thich nhat hanh's concept of "inter-being"? here are a few words from him about it:
"Interbeing: If you are a poet, you will see clearly that there is a cloud floating in this sheet of paper. Without a cloud, there will be no rain; without rain, the trees cannot grow; and without trees, we cannot make paper. The cloud is essential for the paper to exist. If the cloud is not here, the sheet of paper cannot be here either. So we can say that the cloud and the paper inter-are."
no one exists independently. we all need food most of us don't create (even if you farm, you didn't INVENT vegetables), water that exists outside of us to eventually be inside of us (and be us), parents to have created us, and so forth. complete independence is an impossibility. inter-being is where it's at!
love,
myq
PS the cartoon where one person is saying "don't you want to be able to do it all yourself" and the other says "absolutely not" is a perfect example of why people need each other. the person who's asking the question can't do it all without the person answering the question.
i really used to struggle with asking my friends for help and feeling "indebted," since i don't live near my family, and it helps to remind myself how i feel when one of them asks me for help, which is generally excited. i also used to get a little too into the keeping score of making sure i had something i could do for them to match up with anything they did for me, and am getting better at just letting things flow with give and take.
Allison, I have read all of your books and many of your blog entries and I think this is actually my favorite piece of writing from you ever.
A big portion of my therapy clients really struggle with confidence relating to independence and being able to care for themselves without help, I work with a lot of ADHD and autistic clients, and even those who are extremely capable of independence don't really believe that needing to Google something=independence (like they should know everything about the world without asking anyone or spending time to figure it out, which literally no one is able to do because that's completely unrealistic). So it's like that feeling going hand in hand with feeling completely ashamed for asking for help. So what, then you just have to feel like shit all the time? You don't trust yourself to figure it out AND you aren't allowed to ask for help? Why is asking for help not considered a skill that an independent person needs to have? The ability to figure stuff out by looking it up, is that not an important skill for an "independent" person? Why does that mean anything about your ability to care for yourself?
I'm on the same page as you, I love asking for help but I feel confident in my ability to help myself too if I had to. I think part of it all is the ability to trust yourself, like if something goes wrong with this other person, I will be ok! I won't make this any longer lol but I do think a lot of it is related to early childhood and the need for reparenting, if you grow up not trusting your parents and only trusting yourself, that sets a foundation for desperate independence.
This is such a great post, I can't wait to talk about interdependence with some of my clients :D
Thank you so so much, Faith!! It means a lot to hear how much this resonated with you and I totally agree with everything you added. Being able to ask for help IS a skill! Sending love, A
Dec 12, 2023·edited Dec 12, 2023Liked by Allison Raskin
I love the idea of interdependence, but I simply don't trust other people enough. I've been repeatedly let down. I think it's why good therapists are such a helpful stepping stone; even though it's a paid professional, you learn you can trust and rely upon another human.
That is a great point. A good therapist can become a model for what it feels like to be in a healthy dynamic and then hopefully you can take that feeling to other relationships. Sending so much love, A
I had just gathered the courage to say to my neighbours that I felt like a was managing too much of our common tasks and I needed help when I saw your newsletter in my e-mail. It was nice to read your words just after I talked to them. I feel decisively lighter.
I had to learn that I don't need to be independent the hard way. I truly thought I needed to, and struggled a lot with the way I function. I'm ND.
As somebody else wrote, this article was very well written and right to the point. I hope you're having a nice day.
I think I have to read this everyday to remember I...NEED...HELP!
We all do!! So glad it resonated! xoxo A
So beautifully and eloquently said! I completely agree ♥️
Thank you so much!! xoxo A
dear allison,
another banger! love this! thank you for sharing! you are an interdependent woman!
some gems that stood out to me:
"the idea of me being able to do everything by myself is laughable"
"we are meant to help each other"
"when you allow people to help you, you feel loved and cared for"
also, are you familiar with thich nhat hanh's concept of "inter-being"? here are a few words from him about it:
"Interbeing: If you are a poet, you will see clearly that there is a cloud floating in this sheet of paper. Without a cloud, there will be no rain; without rain, the trees cannot grow; and without trees, we cannot make paper. The cloud is essential for the paper to exist. If the cloud is not here, the sheet of paper cannot be here either. So we can say that the cloud and the paper inter-are."
no one exists independently. we all need food most of us don't create (even if you farm, you didn't INVENT vegetables), water that exists outside of us to eventually be inside of us (and be us), parents to have created us, and so forth. complete independence is an impossibility. inter-being is where it's at!
love,
myq
PS the cartoon where one person is saying "don't you want to be able to do it all yourself" and the other says "absolutely not" is a perfect example of why people need each other. the person who's asking the question can't do it all without the person answering the question.
Oh I love this!! Thanks so much for sharing Myq!
I wish Peter Pan really existed😞
i really used to struggle with asking my friends for help and feeling "indebted," since i don't live near my family, and it helps to remind myself how i feel when one of them asks me for help, which is generally excited. i also used to get a little too into the keeping score of making sure i had something i could do for them to match up with anything they did for me, and am getting better at just letting things flow with give and take.
That's such a good point! Keeping score in any relationship is so draining! Thanks so much for sharing!! xo a
Allison, I have read all of your books and many of your blog entries and I think this is actually my favorite piece of writing from you ever.
A big portion of my therapy clients really struggle with confidence relating to independence and being able to care for themselves without help, I work with a lot of ADHD and autistic clients, and even those who are extremely capable of independence don't really believe that needing to Google something=independence (like they should know everything about the world without asking anyone or spending time to figure it out, which literally no one is able to do because that's completely unrealistic). So it's like that feeling going hand in hand with feeling completely ashamed for asking for help. So what, then you just have to feel like shit all the time? You don't trust yourself to figure it out AND you aren't allowed to ask for help? Why is asking for help not considered a skill that an independent person needs to have? The ability to figure stuff out by looking it up, is that not an important skill for an "independent" person? Why does that mean anything about your ability to care for yourself?
I'm on the same page as you, I love asking for help but I feel confident in my ability to help myself too if I had to. I think part of it all is the ability to trust yourself, like if something goes wrong with this other person, I will be ok! I won't make this any longer lol but I do think a lot of it is related to early childhood and the need for reparenting, if you grow up not trusting your parents and only trusting yourself, that sets a foundation for desperate independence.
This is such a great post, I can't wait to talk about interdependence with some of my clients :D
Thank you so so much, Faith!! It means a lot to hear how much this resonated with you and I totally agree with everything you added. Being able to ask for help IS a skill! Sending love, A
Being independent is not as fun as people think it to be. It's always good to have people who can help you live your best life.
Absolutely!!!
I love the idea of interdependence, but I simply don't trust other people enough. I've been repeatedly let down. I think it's why good therapists are such a helpful stepping stone; even though it's a paid professional, you learn you can trust and rely upon another human.
That is a great point. A good therapist can become a model for what it feels like to be in a healthy dynamic and then hopefully you can take that feeling to other relationships. Sending so much love, A
Just saw you got a shout out on Slate! Congrats. Although if you’re thinking about a stint as Guest Prudie, don’t read the comments...
I had just gathered the courage to say to my neighbours that I felt like a was managing too much of our common tasks and I needed help when I saw your newsletter in my e-mail. It was nice to read your words just after I talked to them. I feel decisively lighter.
I had to learn that I don't need to be independent the hard way. I truly thought I needed to, and struggled a lot with the way I function. I'm ND.
As somebody else wrote, this article was very well written and right to the point. I hope you're having a nice day.
Oh I'm so glad it came in at a helpful time!! Also super proud of you for asking for help!! xoxo, A
my experience rad deferent. i;m alter-abled after an AVM bleed blew 27 holes in brain. i cant tkkle the bus or cross the sfreet washout a chaperone.