I USED TO BE BEAUTIFUL

And I Had No Idea

I grew up with a hot older sister. I also grew up with anxiety, OCD and poor social skills. She was the pretty one. And I was, well, complicated. I knew I was smart and funny, but romantic rejection after romantic rejection led me to believe that my looks were nothing to write home about. I remember finding immense relief when reading Amy Poehler’s memoir because she said something along the lines of “my looks weren’t ever going to be my currency.” I immediately thought, “Oh my god! Same!” Reading that felt like permission to not have to focus on my appearance and…fail. Instead, I could focus on nurturing other parts of my career and talents to build the life I wanted to have. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t beautiful because I had other things going for me!

Except, I was beautiful. There was even a time in my 20’s when—and this is embarrassing and difficult for me to admit—I was kind of stunning. I looked like a porcelain doll in a shampoo commercial. But I had absolutely NO IDEA. Instead, I assumed all the compliments from family, friends and the internet were a lie. If I was so beautiful, why couldn’t I make my coworker fall in love with me? If I was so beautiful why did my heart keep getting broken? If I was so beautiful, why didn’t I feel more comfortable in my own skin?

I think back on a moment when I walked into a party that was being thrown at this guy’s house. He had invited me, and we were in the early stages of dating, but as I met everyone I kept thinking, “I bet they’re wondering what the hell he’s doing with me.” I was hyper aware of the small belly pouch that showed in my dress. I felt ugly and gross and eager to get away from prying eyes. I wonder now what my life would have been like if I had been able to see myself more accurately. Would I have left that relationship sooner? Would I not have wanted to die because he didn’t love me the way I loved him?

Now is the part where I dive into a conspiracy theory. Not a full-blown, the aliens are controlling the government one. But a theory about greater forces that might be at play here. Recently, I’ve been wondering if society purposefully makes it impossible for most young women to fully appreciate their beauty because, if they realized it, they would become too powerful. Too self-assured and dangerously less reliant on male approval. So, to prevent this outcome, girls grow up with highly unrealistic beauty standards and are encouraged to have low self-esteem. They are taught that whatever they have naturally can be improved. And whatever they don’t have naturally is a fatal flaw.

Girls and women are conditioned to bond over what they hate about themselves. And if you don’t hate the way you look, your arrogance is off-putting and isolating. It’s a Catch-22 that means a lot of people spend their young adulthood with no conception of what they actually look like. And once they are old enough to break away from this messaging and learn to love themselves, they have aged out of desirability. Youth has to be wasted on the young or else the patriarchy would collapse.

I know. I know. These are some pretty big allegations. And I think the teenagers and young adults of today are already growing up differently than I did. But sometimes I feel like we have created this trap for women where it takes so long to learn to love yourself that by the time you do, you are faced with ageism and a longing to be more youthful. It’s like we purposefully miss having a sweet spot where we both feel beautiful and are seen as beautiful. (With the notable exceptions of many female celebrities who manage to avoid aging altogether.)

I feel like I have spent most of my life wishing I looked different. First, wishing I could achieve something I already had and later wishing I could return to the way I once was. It is exhausting and time consuming and prevents me from fully connecting and appreciating the body and face I inhabit in the moment. Instead, I watch old YouTube videos of myself and can’t believe I would beat myself up over how I appeared in them. Followed by watching current videos of myself with comments including “wow, she really let herself go” and wincing.

The funny thing is that when I shared these thoughts about not fully understanding how beautiful I was with some friends, their reaction was “You’re still beautiful.” And I immediately, thought, “Oh, they’re lying to be nice.” But what if they aren’t? What if I look back on myself 10 years from now and think, “Wow. She had no idea what she looked like.” Is it possible that this will just keep happening my whole life? That I won’t fully see myself for who I am until I become someone different?

I don’t want to be trapped in that cycle. I don’t want to live in the past or attempt to fully detach myself from my appearance in favor of other currency, such as smarts or humor. I want to be able to embrace and appreciate all of me. Because what does it matter if other people think I’m beautiful if I can’t see it for myself?

xoxo

Allison

Journal/Comment Prompts:

·      How have your thoughts about your appearance changed with time?

·      What do you think impacts your thoughts on your appearance more: societal views or your personal ones?

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