I'm a fat woman that has always been fat my whole life. I grew up thinking I was ugly and that no one would desire me. Yet, I was taught vanity by my mother and still to this day put a lot of effort into my looks. I would date men I had no attraction to because I thought I couldn't do better. Having other fat friends that embraced themselves and their bodies changed me. They wore crop tops and went out with hot men, why couldn't I?
Last year I told my mom I didn't want a jacket she tried to give me that didn't fit. It almost did but I told her I wasn't going to try to lose weight for an item of clothing to fit me. She couldn't understand why I wouldn't change myself for something. But I do now.
In the past I used to think "if I had this, if I looked like this I would be beautiful" and that was desirable and the end of that thought- along with all the negative feelings that come with it. But the older I get the path of that thought continues: "If I had ___ I would be beautiful. And then what? People would like me. And then what... I would feel wanted.. and loved... and I would be happy... And then..." It's freeing because I realize I don't need more of anything because I have love and I give love and in the end if I had everything I wanted it still wouldn't be a promise of happiness. It's also helpful to know it's a societal trap. I can choose to reject it!
#Ditto! I was too tall, too flat chested, too socially backwards. Hair too frizzy, too red, always being chopped off for some emotional crash. No boyfriends. No nothing. So why was everyone saying I was beautiful? You hit this all on the head today so thank you for putting it all together min a wise post. But you know what? As things are slipping and sliding and wrinkling over here I'm sort of beginning to feel more beautiful because I'm learning not to give a shit. Becoming more invisible everyday as I age is enpowering because I get to act and do just what I want. I wish my younger self knew this. I hope young women fight to embrace their changing self. They should all read you!
Thank you so much for sharing this perspective!!! Learning to not give a shit is the best part of getting older imho! And thank you so much for reading and the kind words! xoox A
This is heartbreakingly relatable! My ideal goal is to not even think about it, but most days aren’t ideal and so my next goal is to be neutral. When I have good/bad thoughts about parts of my body I say ok what if I could change it, and I think of all the things I would need to do to achieve said change- see a doctor? Exercise every day? Stop eating foods I really enjoy? Usually I don’t even want to do those things, so I determine it must not be that important to me and helps me accept these “flaws”
It's such a balance of still finding joy in getting dressed up and finding my preferred fashion while not fixating on the weight part! Trying to find that balance where i can still enjoy my appearance without fixating on what i wish was different! Thank you so much for sharing your perspective!
As a child I thought I was beautiful because everyone around me told me so - family, friends, neighbors. This is how young girls are complimented. But I do remember the moment as a preteen when I realized that maybe they weren’t telling the truth and I wasn’t as beautiful as everyone had told me?? Hit me like a ton of bricks.
I haven’t struggled too much with my body image which I know is rare, but now I feel like maybe I’m beautiful in certain ways/ from certain angles/ in certain lights. But I’m certainly not “model” pretty. It’s fine!!! I honestly don’t care. I just want to feel good in my body. Plus I can feel other peoples attraction to me even though I’m not a 10/10. So that is a confidence booster.
Oh my goodness, so many thoughts. Feeling both very seen and very vulnerable. First thought was: well, I relate to this except I was never beautiful per se, just better looking then than I am now. Then I got to the part about how you feel about yourself now and it's exactly the same. Ugh. I think you're right and I hate it. And this is from someone who's family did not focus on appearance and was taught that so much else is more important about who we are. But no matter what your family is like, you can't avoid society - it's like that story about the one fish who asks the other fish, "how's the water?" and the second one responds, "what water?"
haha yes!! It's so hard to escape! But I feel like I am getting better at recognizing the flaws and rejecting what I once believed to be true! Thank you for sharing!!
"If I was so beautiful, why couldn’t I make my coworker fall in love with me? If I was so beautiful why did my heart keep getting broken?" Something I relate to the most. I looked at my other friends who clearly and loudly said I'm the most beautiful among them, yet I still wonder when I'm alone why they all have heart-fluttering romantic moments with someone who was totally into them and I can't even get one for myself?
Figuring out that my relationship to myself was more important in building relationships than my appearance was such a gamechanger. sending so much love, A
It is a conspiracy to keep women insecure so we need external validation from society (i.e. men). The good news is, for most of us we reach a point in our lives when we stop caring what others think and hopefully learn to love and accept ourselves as we are. For me that was turning 45.
I don't think anyone sees themselves accurately. And we will never see ourselves the way others see us. We are all looking through the lens of our life experiences and what we have been taught by society. There are people whose looks I never thought about, but when I learned more about them and my positive feelings about them grew, I would start to notice so many more of their beautiful features. This also occurs the other way around. I can't see someone who is cruel as also being beautiful. This is why my own appearance has always changed when I look in the mirror. I have similar mental health struggles, and self hate has always been a strong aspect of that. When it is at its worst I am a monster. When it improves I'm decent. I've also been called beautiful and never believed it.
I hate the societal messaging that women's value is tied to their beauty. And that signs of aging are unattractive. Nothing is inherently ugly or beautiful, so much of it is what we are taught by society. It's so strange that we reject aging so much when there is no other alternative. I think some of that is tied to the fear of death and that aging is a reminder that you are closer to that inevitability. Why do we continue to insist that what is inevitable and natural is bad and ugly? What if we saw aging as the accomplishment it is? You made it this far, you survived. With an almost lifelong struggle with suicidal ideation, I never expected to get this old. I'm turning 40 next year, and I deeply don't want to feel bad about that. I've survived struggles that no one can see, my own mind turning against me.
What's different about me is that I don't really have many pictures of myself from my youth. Old ID cards, school photos, maybe a few attempts at selfies when I needed a picture for an online profile or something. So the comparison to younger me is just what I remember about how I looked, which I already know was distorted by mental illness. If I ever get it under control I might suddenly find that my older self is the most attractive version of me.
I've always seen you as beautiful Alison, and it's never been because of how you actually look, but because I like who you are as a person. You've grown more beautiful with the years to me. You help people a lot with your mental health advocacy, and it's one of many things that makes you beautiful.
Sometimes I've asked people if they were given the choice to appear beautiful to themselves, but ugly to everyone else, or to be beautiful to everyone else and ugly to themselves, what they would choose. It's kind of hard to answer knowing that how you appear to others changes how they treat you. I've never really been able to answer the question myself.
This gave me so much to think about!! Especially that last question! And I totally agree about beauty being so much for than just appearance. I really appreciate this comment so much on many levels <3 A
I spent the majority of my teen years being rejected by people that I liked at school and I genuinely think that is a core reason as to why I do not believe I am attractive. Also as a queer teenager, I experimented, perhaps more boldly than most, with my hair and style in an attempt to find an expression that felt comfortable. This led to periods where I really didn’t look my best and I now always think I’m falling back into that when I don’t feel so good about myself.
My self confidence fluctuates wildly with my hormonal cycle. I will feel great about myself one day and want to curl up in a ball and never be perceived ever again on others. Surely there is not much difference in how I look in that short period of time but my perception of myself shifts wildly.
I had such a similar experience! I’m pretty religious so I’ve always dressed modestly and therefore pretty plainly, and guys would often completely ignore me in favor of talking to my hotter friends. Therefore, I always felt ugly and plain. And I’ve always carried more weight in my belly than anywhere else, so I have always felt insecure.
But when I look back at old photos, I’m like, holy crap, why didn’t I believe anyone who told me I was gorgeous?! And now it’s 10 years later and I’m 100 lbs heavier andI wonder if I couldn’t even feel beautiful then, will I ever even feel beautiful?!
It's such a trip to look back! But as Ive gotten older I care so much more about people's vibe than anything else. And even if I was "prettier" than, I certainly wasn't as much fun to be around. Sending so much love, A
You are beautiful, stunning, today. I do think you will look back in 20 years and see it, but please try to see it today.
There are women whose looks do fade (even rich ones - see Queen Paola of Belgium), but others whose looks evolve into other, lovely versions of themselves. You belong to this second group.
Once I started to lose interest in people who didn't like me, my life became a lot easier. Like, what's wrong with you that you don't appreciate me??? haha Would recommeend this approach! Sending you all the love! A
I'm a fat woman that has always been fat my whole life. I grew up thinking I was ugly and that no one would desire me. Yet, I was taught vanity by my mother and still to this day put a lot of effort into my looks. I would date men I had no attraction to because I thought I couldn't do better. Having other fat friends that embraced themselves and their bodies changed me. They wore crop tops and went out with hot men, why couldn't I?
Last year I told my mom I didn't want a jacket she tried to give me that didn't fit. It almost did but I told her I wasn't going to try to lose weight for an item of clothing to fit me. She couldn't understand why I wouldn't change myself for something. But I do now.
I love this shift/story! Thank you so much for sharing! Who we surround ourselves with has such an impact <3 A
In the past I used to think "if I had this, if I looked like this I would be beautiful" and that was desirable and the end of that thought- along with all the negative feelings that come with it. But the older I get the path of that thought continues: "If I had ___ I would be beautiful. And then what? People would like me. And then what... I would feel wanted.. and loved... and I would be happy... And then..." It's freeing because I realize I don't need more of anything because I have love and I give love and in the end if I had everything I wanted it still wouldn't be a promise of happiness. It's also helpful to know it's a societal trap. I can choose to reject it!
Yes!! I also started to think about "but to what end??" if I already love the life I have! Sending so much love, A
#Ditto! I was too tall, too flat chested, too socially backwards. Hair too frizzy, too red, always being chopped off for some emotional crash. No boyfriends. No nothing. So why was everyone saying I was beautiful? You hit this all on the head today so thank you for putting it all together min a wise post. But you know what? As things are slipping and sliding and wrinkling over here I'm sort of beginning to feel more beautiful because I'm learning not to give a shit. Becoming more invisible everyday as I age is enpowering because I get to act and do just what I want. I wish my younger self knew this. I hope young women fight to embrace their changing self. They should all read you!
Thank you so much for sharing this perspective!!! Learning to not give a shit is the best part of getting older imho! And thank you so much for reading and the kind words! xoox A
dear allison,
this is beautiful. thank you for sharing as always!
the title reminds me of the classic mitch hedberg joke:
"i used to do drugs. i still do, but i used to, too."
love,
myq
ha!! Love it!! Thanks, Myq!!
This is heartbreakingly relatable! My ideal goal is to not even think about it, but most days aren’t ideal and so my next goal is to be neutral. When I have good/bad thoughts about parts of my body I say ok what if I could change it, and I think of all the things I would need to do to achieve said change- see a doctor? Exercise every day? Stop eating foods I really enjoy? Usually I don’t even want to do those things, so I determine it must not be that important to me and helps me accept these “flaws”
It's such a balance of still finding joy in getting dressed up and finding my preferred fashion while not fixating on the weight part! Trying to find that balance where i can still enjoy my appearance without fixating on what i wish was different! Thank you so much for sharing your perspective!
As a child I thought I was beautiful because everyone around me told me so - family, friends, neighbors. This is how young girls are complimented. But I do remember the moment as a preteen when I realized that maybe they weren’t telling the truth and I wasn’t as beautiful as everyone had told me?? Hit me like a ton of bricks.
I haven’t struggled too much with my body image which I know is rare, but now I feel like maybe I’m beautiful in certain ways/ from certain angles/ in certain lights. But I’m certainly not “model” pretty. It’s fine!!! I honestly don’t care. I just want to feel good in my body. Plus I can feel other peoples attraction to me even though I’m not a 10/10. So that is a confidence booster.
Attraction is such a separate thing from societal beauty standards!! Took me far to long to figure that out!
I’ll try to avoid using the comments section as my journal (over sharing) but I can relate.
Thank you for reading!! xoxo A
Oh my goodness, so many thoughts. Feeling both very seen and very vulnerable. First thought was: well, I relate to this except I was never beautiful per se, just better looking then than I am now. Then I got to the part about how you feel about yourself now and it's exactly the same. Ugh. I think you're right and I hate it. And this is from someone who's family did not focus on appearance and was taught that so much else is more important about who we are. But no matter what your family is like, you can't avoid society - it's like that story about the one fish who asks the other fish, "how's the water?" and the second one responds, "what water?"
haha yes!! It's so hard to escape! But I feel like I am getting better at recognizing the flaws and rejecting what I once believed to be true! Thank you for sharing!!
"If I was so beautiful, why couldn’t I make my coworker fall in love with me? If I was so beautiful why did my heart keep getting broken?" Something I relate to the most. I looked at my other friends who clearly and loudly said I'm the most beautiful among them, yet I still wonder when I'm alone why they all have heart-fluttering romantic moments with someone who was totally into them and I can't even get one for myself?
Figuring out that my relationship to myself was more important in building relationships than my appearance was such a gamechanger. sending so much love, A
It is a conspiracy to keep women insecure so we need external validation from society (i.e. men). The good news is, for most of us we reach a point in our lives when we stop caring what others think and hopefully learn to love and accept ourselves as we are. For me that was turning 45.
Love that!! Getting older has been such a blessing!
I don't think anyone sees themselves accurately. And we will never see ourselves the way others see us. We are all looking through the lens of our life experiences and what we have been taught by society. There are people whose looks I never thought about, but when I learned more about them and my positive feelings about them grew, I would start to notice so many more of their beautiful features. This also occurs the other way around. I can't see someone who is cruel as also being beautiful. This is why my own appearance has always changed when I look in the mirror. I have similar mental health struggles, and self hate has always been a strong aspect of that. When it is at its worst I am a monster. When it improves I'm decent. I've also been called beautiful and never believed it.
I hate the societal messaging that women's value is tied to their beauty. And that signs of aging are unattractive. Nothing is inherently ugly or beautiful, so much of it is what we are taught by society. It's so strange that we reject aging so much when there is no other alternative. I think some of that is tied to the fear of death and that aging is a reminder that you are closer to that inevitability. Why do we continue to insist that what is inevitable and natural is bad and ugly? What if we saw aging as the accomplishment it is? You made it this far, you survived. With an almost lifelong struggle with suicidal ideation, I never expected to get this old. I'm turning 40 next year, and I deeply don't want to feel bad about that. I've survived struggles that no one can see, my own mind turning against me.
What's different about me is that I don't really have many pictures of myself from my youth. Old ID cards, school photos, maybe a few attempts at selfies when I needed a picture for an online profile or something. So the comparison to younger me is just what I remember about how I looked, which I already know was distorted by mental illness. If I ever get it under control I might suddenly find that my older self is the most attractive version of me.
I've always seen you as beautiful Alison, and it's never been because of how you actually look, but because I like who you are as a person. You've grown more beautiful with the years to me. You help people a lot with your mental health advocacy, and it's one of many things that makes you beautiful.
Sometimes I've asked people if they were given the choice to appear beautiful to themselves, but ugly to everyone else, or to be beautiful to everyone else and ugly to themselves, what they would choose. It's kind of hard to answer knowing that how you appear to others changes how they treat you. I've never really been able to answer the question myself.
This gave me so much to think about!! Especially that last question! And I totally agree about beauty being so much for than just appearance. I really appreciate this comment so much on many levels <3 A
I spent the majority of my teen years being rejected by people that I liked at school and I genuinely think that is a core reason as to why I do not believe I am attractive. Also as a queer teenager, I experimented, perhaps more boldly than most, with my hair and style in an attempt to find an expression that felt comfortable. This led to periods where I really didn’t look my best and I now always think I’m falling back into that when I don’t feel so good about myself.
My self confidence fluctuates wildly with my hormonal cycle. I will feel great about myself one day and want to curl up in a ball and never be perceived ever again on others. Surely there is not much difference in how I look in that short period of time but my perception of myself shifts wildly.
This is so insightful! Our perceptions can shift MUCH faster than our reality. Thank you for sharing <3
I had such a similar experience! I’m pretty religious so I’ve always dressed modestly and therefore pretty plainly, and guys would often completely ignore me in favor of talking to my hotter friends. Therefore, I always felt ugly and plain. And I’ve always carried more weight in my belly than anywhere else, so I have always felt insecure.
But when I look back at old photos, I’m like, holy crap, why didn’t I believe anyone who told me I was gorgeous?! And now it’s 10 years later and I’m 100 lbs heavier andI wonder if I couldn’t even feel beautiful then, will I ever even feel beautiful?!
It's such a trip to look back! But as Ive gotten older I care so much more about people's vibe than anything else. And even if I was "prettier" than, I certainly wasn't as much fun to be around. Sending so much love, A
Step into your power
You are beautiful, stunning, today. I do think you will look back in 20 years and see it, but please try to see it today.
There are women whose looks do fade (even rich ones - see Queen Paola of Belgium), but others whose looks evolve into other, lovely versions of themselves. You belong to this second group.
Thank you, Sarah! I'm working on it!
wow what a beautiful post!
Thank you so much!! xoxo A
I think I am pretty but I do get rejected again and again by men I like and it's so easy for me to blame it on my looks
Once I started to lose interest in people who didn't like me, my life became a lot easier. Like, what's wrong with you that you don't appreciate me??? haha Would recommeend this approach! Sending you all the love! A