"And if I never get fully back together, that’s okay too in the same way that some people are unable to fully recover from a physical illness. Our bodies and our minds are fragile. We can care for them and strengthen them, but we are far from immortal. And to think otherwise just sets you up for disappointment." :LIGHTBULB:
As someone with chronic illness/disability, this should be a huge DUH and yet I have the same fears. As my brain fog, med side effects, vertigo, etc, march on, ebb and flow, etc, I constantly worry my "Swiss cheese brain" is going to betray me and I'll be unable to function. But my body already struggles with that and I get by. I always give this stuff way too much power.
Also, :gentle hugs on offer: the parenting decision is hell to make. I opted to be childfree after a stint as a stepmom showed me I wasn't cut out for it. I had already known physically I couldn't handle pregnancy, but the actual child-rearing part also got a big no from my fragile wellbeing. The worst part is I love kids and I'm good at it, but my own wellness suffers way too much to be sustainable. And that's okay. There's no wrong answer here. I'm glad you have people who can support you no matter what. :)
I really really appreciate you sharing all of this Jessica! It's so helpful to know other people are having to make the same kinds of considerations. I'm also super glad the post seemed to resonate! xoxo A
I feel like you have put something into words that I have been trying to articulate my entire life. The fear that I will break and never be able to pick up all the pieces. It was a thought that once kept me from fully participating in therapy and healing because I feared that if I dug into my mental illness I would make it worse.
I am not in a place where I can feel at peace with the idea of never recovering, but I am getting better at not letting that potentiality keep me from living a full life. I find it inspirational that you are learning to live with the risk too.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and vulnerabilities, I hope you know the impact that you have on the people who hear you.
While you can prepare and manage expectations, I do fear how motherhood as an unknown factor can impact my mental health journey. But I do want children to be part of my journey - the only question is whether it is possible to separate "my journey" from "my mental health journey". And what would be the worst that could happen if a separation is impossible?
Such good questions!! This is when reminding myself over and over that my mental health journey won't be linear has been so helpful to me! Sending love, A
Thank you for this. I worry about having kids for the same reason and I'm always grateful when another person articulates this fear. It's so taboo to talk about.
I am forever in awe of how much I relate to your words, even though we have different ages, different life stages, different experiences. I relate to this on a visceral level. To know that there is someone out there who understands and goes through the world with an awareness so similar to mine. For you, I have no answers. But i want to give you a big hug, because I am so so comforted by your words, and I hope you understand how much they can impact someone else’s life. To know (parasocially) a generation of ‘content creators’ that are so open about mental health, queerness, motherhood (and the intersection of these) is paving a very different future for me, one where I won’t feel as alone as I would otherwise.
Whoa -- thanks so much for sharing this. I wrote yesterday about my relationship with self harm and suicidal ideation and this shit is soooOoo inspiring.
“So, I am going to stop hiding this concern that one day I will lose control of my mind from those around me. I just hope they don’t respond with “that won’t happen” or “you have nothing to worry about.” Instead, I hope they say, “if that does happen someday, I’ll be here.””
I’ve always admired how you put your most vulnerable thoughts into tangible visuals and words. Thank you for sharing them into the world. As someone who also struggles a lot with her own mental health and has come a long way from how I used to handle it, this really resonated with me especially now I am slowly opening myself up to be more vulnerable again. Thank you.
Thanks for this Allison. It's something I worry about too especially in the context of having children. It doesn't help that a lot of SSRIs are not safe to take while pregnant.
I really relate to this fear. The idea of losing the “progress” I’ve made, or this feeling of stability, is terrifying sometimes. Sure right NOW I’m doing well and my relationship is thriving. But what if one day I won’t get off the couch anymore? Or start having panic attacks again and can’t force my brain to trust my partner?
I guess we have to trust that the tools we’ve learned along the way will work again IF that instability comes. As long as we’re willing to seek help when we need it, we’ll never be left to deal with our fragility alone 💜
Yes!! Love how you put that! And I think we can also get better at recognizing the signs and stepping in to help ourselves earlier when we need it! xoxo A
Oh wow! This was an amazing post. The way you compare your mental and physical health was mind-blowing. I didn’t even realize I was doing the same thing until I read this. Getting a glimpse into your thought process and how you’re handling these worries is so enlightening and helpful!
As a 33 year old woman, who just got married - I feel this so deeply! My anxiety and OCD scare the shit out of me sometimes. Thank you for this perspective.
This is incredibly relatable and insightful - thank you for publishing. As the partner to a person who struggles with severe mental illness, and also someone in my early 30s starting to think about family, these are questions and thoughts we grapple with. I have no feedback, but you're certainly not alone.
I think just feeling like we can talk about this stuff, even if there isn't a clear solution, can be so freeing! (At least it feels that way to me!) Sending love, A
thank you for as always for sharing all of this, especially the scariest parts!
you're doing great work and i appreciate it!
here are a few quotes that your piece reminded me of also:
"Maturity of mind is the capacity to endure uncertainty" -- John Finley
"If given the choice between freaking out now and freaking out later, why not put it off? If you need to, you'll always be able to freak out later" -- me (originally when i thought i might have vaped too much weed into my brain, but i think it's also applicable more generally)
That's about one of the most genuine pieces worth reading on Substack to date.
This comment means so much to me!! Thank you!
"And if I never get fully back together, that’s okay too in the same way that some people are unable to fully recover from a physical illness. Our bodies and our minds are fragile. We can care for them and strengthen them, but we are far from immortal. And to think otherwise just sets you up for disappointment." :LIGHTBULB:
As someone with chronic illness/disability, this should be a huge DUH and yet I have the same fears. As my brain fog, med side effects, vertigo, etc, march on, ebb and flow, etc, I constantly worry my "Swiss cheese brain" is going to betray me and I'll be unable to function. But my body already struggles with that and I get by. I always give this stuff way too much power.
Also, :gentle hugs on offer: the parenting decision is hell to make. I opted to be childfree after a stint as a stepmom showed me I wasn't cut out for it. I had already known physically I couldn't handle pregnancy, but the actual child-rearing part also got a big no from my fragile wellbeing. The worst part is I love kids and I'm good at it, but my own wellness suffers way too much to be sustainable. And that's okay. There's no wrong answer here. I'm glad you have people who can support you no matter what. :)
I really really appreciate you sharing all of this Jessica! It's so helpful to know other people are having to make the same kinds of considerations. I'm also super glad the post seemed to resonate! xoxo A
I feel like you have put something into words that I have been trying to articulate my entire life. The fear that I will break and never be able to pick up all the pieces. It was a thought that once kept me from fully participating in therapy and healing because I feared that if I dug into my mental illness I would make it worse.
I am not in a place where I can feel at peace with the idea of never recovering, but I am getting better at not letting that potentiality keep me from living a full life. I find it inspirational that you are learning to live with the risk too.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and vulnerabilities, I hope you know the impact that you have on the people who hear you.
Thank you so much, Grace! It's been so revelatory to realize so many of us grapple with the same fears. Sending so much love! A
Thank you for being vulnerable and for all your ability with words to describe this. I felt the worry get smaller on my side too while reading.
I love that!! Thank you so much for reading!!
THANK YOU.
While you can prepare and manage expectations, I do fear how motherhood as an unknown factor can impact my mental health journey. But I do want children to be part of my journey - the only question is whether it is possible to separate "my journey" from "my mental health journey". And what would be the worst that could happen if a separation is impossible?
Such good questions!! This is when reminding myself over and over that my mental health journey won't be linear has been so helpful to me! Sending love, A
Thank you for this. I worry about having kids for the same reason and I'm always grateful when another person articulates this fear. It's so taboo to talk about.
It's honestly been such a relief to realize I'm not the only one!!
I am forever in awe of how much I relate to your words, even though we have different ages, different life stages, different experiences. I relate to this on a visceral level. To know that there is someone out there who understands and goes through the world with an awareness so similar to mine. For you, I have no answers. But i want to give you a big hug, because I am so so comforted by your words, and I hope you understand how much they can impact someone else’s life. To know (parasocially) a generation of ‘content creators’ that are so open about mental health, queerness, motherhood (and the intersection of these) is paving a very different future for me, one where I won’t feel as alone as I would otherwise.
This is unbelievably kind! It means so much that my work has had an impact. Thank you so much for sharing this with me!!
Whoa -- thanks so much for sharing this. I wrote yesterday about my relationship with self harm and suicidal ideation and this shit is soooOoo inspiring.
I love that we are all having more open conversations about this stuff!! Sending love, A
“So, I am going to stop hiding this concern that one day I will lose control of my mind from those around me. I just hope they don’t respond with “that won’t happen” or “you have nothing to worry about.” Instead, I hope they say, “if that does happen someday, I’ll be here.””
I’ve always admired how you put your most vulnerable thoughts into tangible visuals and words. Thank you for sharing them into the world. As someone who also struggles a lot with her own mental health and has come a long way from how I used to handle it, this really resonated with me especially now I am slowly opening myself up to be more vulnerable again. Thank you.
I'm so glad it resonated! Writing this stuff out always helps me figure out my own feelings in real time. xoxo, A
Thanks for this Allison. It's something I worry about too especially in the context of having children. It doesn't help that a lot of SSRIs are not safe to take while pregnant.
Ooof I know! But I've learned that at least some are which is a big relief! Sending love as we all navigate this stuff! xoxo A
I really relate to this fear. The idea of losing the “progress” I’ve made, or this feeling of stability, is terrifying sometimes. Sure right NOW I’m doing well and my relationship is thriving. But what if one day I won’t get off the couch anymore? Or start having panic attacks again and can’t force my brain to trust my partner?
I guess we have to trust that the tools we’ve learned along the way will work again IF that instability comes. As long as we’re willing to seek help when we need it, we’ll never be left to deal with our fragility alone 💜
Yes!! Love how you put that! And I think we can also get better at recognizing the signs and stepping in to help ourselves earlier when we need it! xoxo A
Oh wow! This was an amazing post. The way you compare your mental and physical health was mind-blowing. I didn’t even realize I was doing the same thing until I read this. Getting a glimpse into your thought process and how you’re handling these worries is so enlightening and helpful!
Oh I'm so glad!! It wild to realize how similarly we all think about this stuff without even talking about it! xoxo A
As a 33 year old woman, who just got married - I feel this so deeply! My anxiety and OCD scare the shit out of me sometimes. Thank you for this perspective.
I'm so glad it resonated! And congratulations!! xoxo A
This is incredibly relatable and insightful - thank you for publishing. As the partner to a person who struggles with severe mental illness, and also someone in my early 30s starting to think about family, these are questions and thoughts we grapple with. I have no feedback, but you're certainly not alone.
I think just feeling like we can talk about this stuff, even if there isn't a clear solution, can be so freeing! (At least it feels that way to me!) Sending love, A
dear allison,
thank you for as always for sharing all of this, especially the scariest parts!
you're doing great work and i appreciate it!
here are a few quotes that your piece reminded me of also:
"Maturity of mind is the capacity to endure uncertainty" -- John Finley
"If given the choice between freaking out now and freaking out later, why not put it off? If you need to, you'll always be able to freak out later" -- me (originally when i thought i might have vaped too much weed into my brain, but i think it's also applicable more generally)
thanks again for sharing all!
much love friend,
myq
Ha! Love both of these!! Thank you, Myq!
Thank you, as always, for sharing so much of yourself and so openly. Appreciate you!
Thanks so much for reading, Scott!!