A closed for maintenance period makes a lot of sense!! Also, after my maternal grandmother died, it took approximately TEN years for us to be able to talk about her casually without crying (especially my mum). So we mostly didn’t talk about her. And I feel ok about it because I know we didn’t abandon her memory - we all still thought about her all time, had pictures of her up, used her recipes, etc. sometimes you just desperately need that avoidance in order to be able to hold a normal conversation.
this is very funny: "Now that she is gone, though, the only person my avoidance hurts is some nebulous version of my future self and that is entirely less motivating. Why should I sacrifice so much for her? I don’t even know her!"
and i hear you! thank you for sharing all of this as always.
You’re so valid. I’m doing the opposite—temporarily dropping everything else in my life so I *can* grieve the way I need to—and I STILL feel guilty. Like I’ll beat myself up for *NOT* pushing through and ignoring the pain, or I’ll feel bad for feeling as bad as I do. I’ll be like well OTHER people do but, you’re right, it’s a stopgap strategy. There’s no winning, because mental illness is set up to be mean to you either way. And sometimes life is life and you just gotta prioritize <33333
As someone who acknowledges they have absolutely no experience in the mental health field, I can't help but want to challenge your notion that avoidance of grief, especially at a time of high stress, is cowardly. Avoidance-especially avoidance of grief-is sometimes the only thing between me, and a version of me that is completely non-functioning, and it feels like (or maybe it's masquerading as) a healthy decision for myself on certain days/weeks, though it can certainly fester if not attended at some point. I don't know if this is appropriate, or matches what your goals are for yourself, but I feel the need to para-socially give you permission to have avoidance days for all the valid reasons you listed above haha!
And on a completely off-topic note, I just wanted to add that while you've always been a good writer, I've noticed a lot of growth in your writing over the last year especially. I'm getting more and more of a sense of your voice! Who knew that writing a bunch of books can improve your writing?
Thank you so much on both fronts, Liz! I appreciate the permission (which is honestly needed!) and the note about the writing. It's something I've been working on and it's so lovely to know it's noticeable!
Grief is funny that way. The way it takes up space and makes itself know is a constant ebb and flow. Somedays it feels like an evolution, others that feel far too generous. There is something to be said about the ability to hold your grief at a distance while still acknowledging its existence. I think we know what we need instinctively and it’s hard to let ourselves have it.
Nice and relatable essay, at least for me! I avoided the feelings I had about my mom's Alzheimer's in the beginning by burying myself in the admin work of it. Now that all that is running smoothly, I'm coming out of the hole and feeling things more.
Love this! I’m Harrison, an ex fine dining industry line cook. My stack "The Secret Ingredient" adapts hit restaurant recipes (mostly NYC and L.A.) for easy home cooking.
A closed for maintenance period makes a lot of sense!! Also, after my maternal grandmother died, it took approximately TEN years for us to be able to talk about her casually without crying (especially my mum). So we mostly didn’t talk about her. And I feel ok about it because I know we didn’t abandon her memory - we all still thought about her all time, had pictures of her up, used her recipes, etc. sometimes you just desperately need that avoidance in order to be able to hold a normal conversation.
Thank you so much for sharing this! It's a reminder we all have to navigate grief in a way that works for us <3 A
dear allison,
this is very funny: "Now that she is gone, though, the only person my avoidance hurts is some nebulous version of my future self and that is entirely less motivating. Why should I sacrifice so much for her? I don’t even know her!"
and i hear you! thank you for sharing all of this as always.
love
myq
Thank you, Myq!
Sometimes a person has to emotionally disconnect for a little bit before a person can begin to emotionally connect again.
Agreed! <3 A
You’re so valid. I’m doing the opposite—temporarily dropping everything else in my life so I *can* grieve the way I need to—and I STILL feel guilty. Like I’ll beat myself up for *NOT* pushing through and ignoring the pain, or I’ll feel bad for feeling as bad as I do. I’ll be like well OTHER people do but, you’re right, it’s a stopgap strategy. There’s no winning, because mental illness is set up to be mean to you either way. And sometimes life is life and you just gotta prioritize <33333
Yesss we have to prioritize! I love that you are taking the time you need--it's a gift. Sending you so much love, A
As someone who acknowledges they have absolutely no experience in the mental health field, I can't help but want to challenge your notion that avoidance of grief, especially at a time of high stress, is cowardly. Avoidance-especially avoidance of grief-is sometimes the only thing between me, and a version of me that is completely non-functioning, and it feels like (or maybe it's masquerading as) a healthy decision for myself on certain days/weeks, though it can certainly fester if not attended at some point. I don't know if this is appropriate, or matches what your goals are for yourself, but I feel the need to para-socially give you permission to have avoidance days for all the valid reasons you listed above haha!
And on a completely off-topic note, I just wanted to add that while you've always been a good writer, I've noticed a lot of growth in your writing over the last year especially. I'm getting more and more of a sense of your voice! Who knew that writing a bunch of books can improve your writing?
Thank you so much on both fronts, Liz! I appreciate the permission (which is honestly needed!) and the note about the writing. It's something I've been working on and it's so lovely to know it's noticeable!
Grief is funny that way. The way it takes up space and makes itself know is a constant ebb and flow. Somedays it feels like an evolution, others that feel far too generous. There is something to be said about the ability to hold your grief at a distance while still acknowledging its existence. I think we know what we need instinctively and it’s hard to let ourselves have it.
This is beautifully put. Thank you for this perspective <3 A
Nice and relatable essay, at least for me! I avoided the feelings I had about my mom's Alzheimer's in the beginning by burying myself in the admin work of it. Now that all that is running smoothly, I'm coming out of the hole and feeling things more.
We have to pay attention to our capacity because it changes with our circumstances! Sending you so much love, A
🥹🫶🏻
Love this! I’m Harrison, an ex fine dining industry line cook. My stack "The Secret Ingredient" adapts hit restaurant recipes (mostly NYC and L.A.) for easy home cooking.
check us out:
https://thesecretingredient.substack.com
This is interesting. Feelings have to be felt. There is no way around them. I hope you can
But they don’t have to be felt all the time