INTERNALIZED SEXISM

And How I Got Over It

When I was a freshman in college, I auditioned for a long form improv team that was quite competitive and revered (if you cared about things like college level long form improv). I managed to snag one of the few open spots and became the only girl in the group. At the time, I didn’t think “Hey, isn’t it weird that I’m the only girl?” because I was too busy patting myself on the back for being funny enough to play with the boys. The next two years, I attended auditions again but this time as one of the judges. The team would get together afterwards and go through the various candidates to parse out the best and funniest options.

I never thought the girls were as funny as the boys.

So, for three years, in large part due to my own arguments for or against people, I remained the only girl on my improv team. Until the summer before senior year when I got a call from the new director, someone I considered to be a close friend, telling me that I was being kicked off the team because I was so unfunny, I ruined their shows. (Or something akin to that. My memory remains feeble at best.) For years afterwards, all I felt was anger. I was the wronged party and I didn’t deserve my fate.

Now, when I look back on those three years of my life, I mostly feel a rush of embarrassment that I ever thought men were funnier than women. I feel mortified that I took so much pride in being the “only girl” when what I really should have been doing was trying to find more women to share the stage with.

Despite my shame over this time in my life, I realize that I didn’t come to hold these feelings in a vacuum. I grew up seeing other women as competition. The idea that there was enough room for multiple women on one comedy team in 2008 without us being pitted against each other wasn’t something I thought possible. I was also conditioned to be more critical of women and thereby hold them to a higher standard. If you weren’t the funniest person in the entire audition than you weren’t funny enough. I was perpetuating sexism without realizing it because I was too focused on being “different from the other girls.”

Eventually, my mindset about all of this began to shift. I no longer saw it as a point of pride to have more male friends than female friends. I remember being in a general meeting at Comedy Central with two or three women executives. We had a great chat, continuously making each other laugh only for the meeting to end with them asking me if I had any good ideas aimed at 18–35-year-old men. The question threw me and the fact that it threw me showed that I was no longer under the impression that men had better comedic taste or that their taste should take priority.

I used to feel worried that my content appealed more to women than men. Likely because we are raised to think of women’s interests as fluff. If only women found my sketches or scripts funny or relatable, didn’t that mean they were of a lesser caliber? Romcoms don’t win Oscars after all. But maybe they don’t win because we are told that they shouldn’t. I no longer believe in the term “guilty pleasure” because if something brings you joy there is nothing to feel guilty about. It is hard to create something that keeps people’s attention. And not everything is made for everyone.

I don’t think I was destined to outgrow my internalized sexism. I think I was lucky enough to find a path that surrounded me with people who challenged the beliefs I wasn’t fully aware I was holding. As I saw other women turn to each other as allies instead of competition, I recognized that I had a lot of unlearning to do. I started pushing back against the initial judgment I felt toward other women’s actions and outfits. I no longer felt threatened by other women in the room, I felt empowered by them.

For a period, I even found myself overcorrecting. My new love of women was accompanied by a strong distaste and distrust for men. I assumed I hadn’t just gotten women wrong; I had failed to see the real threat in the opposite sex. I don’t think it’s uncommon for a pendulum to swing too far in the opposite direction, but I am glad to have finally landed in a middle ground where I find myself less beholden to the gender binary while still being able to appreciate the huge role women play in my life.

As I got older and recounted the story of being kicked off my improv team, multiple people implied that the real reason I was expelled wasn’t due to my own behavior but my teammates’ sexism. Isn’t it revealing that the one person to be ousted was the only woman? And sure, that is a nice and simple explanation that absolves me of all responsibility. But I think in many ways it was my internalized sexism (and overall emotional instability) that led to such a painful outcome. Maybe if I had allowed another woman on the team, she would have stood up for me. Maybe if I hadn’t been so determined to prove my worth and defend my territory, I would have been a better team player. I’ll never know, and I don’t think I need to because I have already changed.

The more I have come to appreciate and value other women, the more I have come to appreciate and value myself. While it would be easy for me to forget how I used to think and pretend I always knew better, claiming my mistakes helps me from repeating them. Even when the mistake is as mortifying as thinking women weren’t as funny as men--which I now find to be absolutely hilarious.

xoxo,

Allison

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