I have had to unlearn classism and intellectualism! When Brexit happened in the UK, it was very easy - and also pushed by certain aspects of the media - that it was a certain type of community(working class primarily) that voted for Brexit, and it was because they "didn't understand" the impacts. I now know that it is a lot more complicated than that, that working class communities are not a monolith, and that valuing cleverness is ableist.
Yeah, it was mostly older racists with comfortable lives, not working class people. Real issue with the British media mostly being upper middle class social conservatives. I remember when they blamed lockdown violations on working class people too, patronisingly insisting that you couldn’t blame the poors, they didn’t have gardens and didn’t know any better. Quickly turned out selfishness is a cross class issue.
THIS. I've recently started working in staffing for a public school system, and many of the candidates I work with have "only" attained a High School diploma. I've really had to confront some ugly truths about myself (planted by my parents) and adjust my attitude so that I treat every candidate equally, regardless of educational attainment. Rather than sit in shame about my previously held beliefs, I'm grateful that I get to interact with people from all walks of life and provide them with stable work opportunities that pay well. I'm sincerely grateful for the wakeup call and the invitation to become the person I think I am.
Great read - I'm also a recovering cool/pick me girl :/
I'm in my early 30's and it's interesting to think about how a lot of women our age built aspects of our personality (or identities?) around pretty messed up sexist ideas like this.
In my case, I think it even resulted in repressing my sexuality. I remember as a teenager saying that I can't imagine being a lesbian or into women (truth: I was terrified of being seen as not feminine, which in my head, I would be if I was not ultra straight).
Now I've spent the last two years exclusively dating women and it's such a wonderful thing that I'm sad I denied myself for so long. Especially since my weird toxic attitude kept me from even being close friends with women. I adore spending time with women now - socially or as colleagues.
Still working on getting better about it and part of me obviously wishes I knew better when I was younger - but it's also kind of thrilling and amazing to still feel like you're changing/improving once you're not in your 20's anymore. I actually hope/expect I'll be growing A LOT more in NEXT couple decades than I did in the LAST couple lol.
Thank you so much for sharing this Jessica. It's hard not to mourn the past sometimes, but I am so freaking excited for your future! Sending tons of love, A
Another call for kindness among women is that I think a lot of ‘pick me’ behaviour stems from bullying. It’s very easy to internalise the idea that you’re ’not like other girls’ when your peers are reinforcing that.
Love this, Allison. I think I also used to spend so long being jealous of other women but now in my 30s, I spend time building up and supporting my tribe of amazing women – and others. There's not so much pie and if others have a piece of the pie, there's not enough to go around so I try and focus on sharing knowledge and helping others with an abundance mindset. Also, in my 20s I was in grad school and as, Phoebe says below, more of an intellectual snob. Now I see that so many people have value and I enjoy chatting to people of all walks of life to discover their interesting stories. I also judge past people with more kindness, especially that I write about my dating ups and downs (leading to a failed marriage and my second husband).
I just broke up with my best friend of almost a decade, and while there were many reasons, this was part of it. Putting down "soccer moms", saying she ruined her ex for other women, saying all the art I liked and asked her opinion of for my apartment was boring and had no personality because it wasn't splashy, etc. Ironically she claims to be uber-feminist and progressive and uplifting of other women to the point of also being misandrist. It really showed me what I don't want in my life anymore. I'm now looking for new female friends locally who celebrate each other as a community without putting down anyone regardless of gender. I do have good friends, they just live on the other side of the continent unfortunately.
And for myself, I live in Alberta, Canada, and it's pretty conservative. I've had to do a LOT of work on my internalized snobbery toward conservatives, especially in rural communities (unsurprisingly, ex-friend stoked this a lot). They aren't all stupid bigots, they can have good ideas and make good points, the things I support have flaws too, and the horseshoe theory is more true than we'd like it to be.
I have had to unlearn classism and intellectualism! When Brexit happened in the UK, it was very easy - and also pushed by certain aspects of the media - that it was a certain type of community(working class primarily) that voted for Brexit, and it was because they "didn't understand" the impacts. I now know that it is a lot more complicated than that, that working class communities are not a monolith, and that valuing cleverness is ableist.
This is such a great example! Thank you so much for sharing!! The media can really push narratives without us even realizing their impact.
Yeah, it was mostly older racists with comfortable lives, not working class people. Real issue with the British media mostly being upper middle class social conservatives. I remember when they blamed lockdown violations on working class people too, patronisingly insisting that you couldn’t blame the poors, they didn’t have gardens and didn’t know any better. Quickly turned out selfishness is a cross class issue.
THIS. I've recently started working in staffing for a public school system, and many of the candidates I work with have "only" attained a High School diploma. I've really had to confront some ugly truths about myself (planted by my parents) and adjust my attitude so that I treat every candidate equally, regardless of educational attainment. Rather than sit in shame about my previously held beliefs, I'm grateful that I get to interact with people from all walks of life and provide them with stable work opportunities that pay well. I'm sincerely grateful for the wakeup call and the invitation to become the person I think I am.
I love this journey so much!! Thank you for sharing. Education bias is so real and something i had to unlearn as well!
Great read - I'm also a recovering cool/pick me girl :/
I'm in my early 30's and it's interesting to think about how a lot of women our age built aspects of our personality (or identities?) around pretty messed up sexist ideas like this.
In my case, I think it even resulted in repressing my sexuality. I remember as a teenager saying that I can't imagine being a lesbian or into women (truth: I was terrified of being seen as not feminine, which in my head, I would be if I was not ultra straight).
Now I've spent the last two years exclusively dating women and it's such a wonderful thing that I'm sad I denied myself for so long. Especially since my weird toxic attitude kept me from even being close friends with women. I adore spending time with women now - socially or as colleagues.
Still working on getting better about it and part of me obviously wishes I knew better when I was younger - but it's also kind of thrilling and amazing to still feel like you're changing/improving once you're not in your 20's anymore. I actually hope/expect I'll be growing A LOT more in NEXT couple decades than I did in the LAST couple lol.
Thank you so much for sharing this Jessica. It's hard not to mourn the past sometimes, but I am so freaking excited for your future! Sending tons of love, A
Another call for kindness among women is that I think a lot of ‘pick me’ behaviour stems from bullying. It’s very easy to internalise the idea that you’re ’not like other girls’ when your peers are reinforcing that.
Oh that is so interesting!!
Love this, Allison. I think I also used to spend so long being jealous of other women but now in my 30s, I spend time building up and supporting my tribe of amazing women – and others. There's not so much pie and if others have a piece of the pie, there's not enough to go around so I try and focus on sharing knowledge and helping others with an abundance mindset. Also, in my 20s I was in grad school and as, Phoebe says below, more of an intellectual snob. Now I see that so many people have value and I enjoy chatting to people of all walks of life to discover their interesting stories. I also judge past people with more kindness, especially that I write about my dating ups and downs (leading to a failed marriage and my second husband).
Shifting into the abundance mindset has been super helpful to me! Getting older has certainly come with its perks! xoxo A
I have two thoughts here.
I just broke up with my best friend of almost a decade, and while there were many reasons, this was part of it. Putting down "soccer moms", saying she ruined her ex for other women, saying all the art I liked and asked her opinion of for my apartment was boring and had no personality because it wasn't splashy, etc. Ironically she claims to be uber-feminist and progressive and uplifting of other women to the point of also being misandrist. It really showed me what I don't want in my life anymore. I'm now looking for new female friends locally who celebrate each other as a community without putting down anyone regardless of gender. I do have good friends, they just live on the other side of the continent unfortunately.
And for myself, I live in Alberta, Canada, and it's pretty conservative. I've had to do a LOT of work on my internalized snobbery toward conservatives, especially in rural communities (unsurprisingly, ex-friend stoked this a lot). They aren't all stupid bigots, they can have good ideas and make good points, the things I support have flaws too, and the horseshoe theory is more true than we'd like it to be.
dear allison,
this is great as always.
i'm sorry you got ousted from that improv team AND i'm glad you're not on that improv team anymore!
love,
myq
If only men were held to the same high standards as women.