I used to overshare for three reasons, in order of difficulty to recognize and stop: 1) as a defense mechanism and trauma response; 2) to trauma bond because I thought that was friendship; 3) I'd dump details of issues I was in the middle of onto friends to expel my dysregulation and because I didn't trust myself to deal with it on my own.
I still struggle with (3) but I'm a lot better than I was and don't really do (1) or (2) at all. What I've been thinking about a lot lately is minimizing (3) more - I have a therapist and a journal, I can make better use of them. It would help me feel more secure and grounded to trust myself to handle an issue. I can share broad strokes after if I want, or seek specific advice from someone with relevant experience, but that's different. I've found that managing all the moving parts that come with sharing and others' input often complicates situations and makes them last longer and be harder to navigate by adding their own angles, etc.
Secondly, and relatedly, I left Twitter last November and didn't have any public SM for almost a year. I've started using IG a bit more and am shocked at how uncomfortable I've become with strangers on my stuff. I'm happy to engage with people on comments elsewhere or in a public group on FB, but have come to view my own spaces more privately.
I also am building more in person friendships and community to crowd out the pseudocommunity that keeps me scrolling mindlessly. The way we consume other people's lives has gotten a bit weird and I want to be more intentional with my entire online presence.
And I just remembered a fourth reason, as I made a long introspective FB post and my sister reminded me of our conversation about this and I deleted it: to pretend I'm writing a personal essay in The New Yorker. This one's hard to explain to non writers but I think Allison will get it. 😅
Thank you so so much for sharing this Jessica! I think many of us can recognize some similar patterns. I know for me not getting too many opinions has been helpful as I learn to trust myself more. xoxo A
I should clarify I mean trauma bonding in 2 ways here. Firstly, in the traditional, "correct/actual" sense of an abuse and positive reinforcement pattern that results in extreme and unhealthy attachment. The oversharing comes in many places in the cycle - the stage where you build dependency on the abuser you're probably going hard and deep on vulnerability (sharing too much too soon and too fast) and then later when you no longer trust yourself you're oversharing with them so you can reassure yourself what you should think/do etc.
Then the colloquial, "incorrect" sense that has developed of two people with bad boundaries bonding through sharing similar traumas and ending up in an unhealthy, toxic, and/or codependent dynamic, where the oversharing is both symptom and vehicle for the toxicity.
Yes AND!! Overaharing, I've learned, is a trauma response. I used to do it, and I'm learning when and when not to. I still catch myself overexplaining sometimes. Gentle reminders to stop are helpful.
i particularly like this sentiment: "while I have every right to share whatever I want about myself, that right doesn’t extend to sharing other people’s business. There are certain things that I know are off-limits for me to discuss and, while that can be frustrating at times, I know it is more important to maintain my personal relationships than give in to my impulse to share every detail of my life."
I’m a similar over sharer and I’d say the bigger problem for me has generally been that I then assume I know everything about everyone else in my life. In college when I found out really big things that had happened to my friends that they hadn’t told me about it was kind of worldview-shifting. I still struggle when I see a bestie post about something I didn’t know about first. How could you have been training for a marathon when we talk every day? But age has given me patience and understanding. Both in not sharing everything and understanding I don’t know every piece of everyone’s life, and that’s okay.
I think I'm slightly ocd sometimes, I do relate to this post! I've eventually got back to my julia cameron, the artists way book and her '3 morning pages'.
They are excellent, cos it reveals things about ourselves, that we may not of thought previously, it's those glimmering moments that rephrases ideas in more depth and not only 'writing' but 'righting'? as she puts it.
I do have a tendency to need to explain myself, maybe overshare? here I go again, I was a Professional Counsellor for many years, and the thing is others think 'as a Professional we're sorted ourselves' but they forget that we're human too and need therapy sometimes as we all do!
Writing or 'righting' is therapy, when you get to the depths of it, I absolutely loved my work, but my lifelong love of writing songs is my mainstay, known or not!
jeepers that was one metric fuck ton of self-absorbed twaddle. i love venting on facebook because only a handful of friends read. they know the story, how having two expensive defective kids {hip dysplasia and a 27-week preemie after a LEEEP} and choosing to be wfh medical transcriptionists so we could follow the Dead for 15 years instead of taking cushy bougie benefited jobs bankrupted our marriage early, then the goddess smited me with an avm bleed while supporting my family in a weekly rent motel.
I used to overshare for three reasons, in order of difficulty to recognize and stop: 1) as a defense mechanism and trauma response; 2) to trauma bond because I thought that was friendship; 3) I'd dump details of issues I was in the middle of onto friends to expel my dysregulation and because I didn't trust myself to deal with it on my own.
I still struggle with (3) but I'm a lot better than I was and don't really do (1) or (2) at all. What I've been thinking about a lot lately is minimizing (3) more - I have a therapist and a journal, I can make better use of them. It would help me feel more secure and grounded to trust myself to handle an issue. I can share broad strokes after if I want, or seek specific advice from someone with relevant experience, but that's different. I've found that managing all the moving parts that come with sharing and others' input often complicates situations and makes them last longer and be harder to navigate by adding their own angles, etc.
Secondly, and relatedly, I left Twitter last November and didn't have any public SM for almost a year. I've started using IG a bit more and am shocked at how uncomfortable I've become with strangers on my stuff. I'm happy to engage with people on comments elsewhere or in a public group on FB, but have come to view my own spaces more privately.
I also am building more in person friendships and community to crowd out the pseudocommunity that keeps me scrolling mindlessly. The way we consume other people's lives has gotten a bit weird and I want to be more intentional with my entire online presence.
And I just remembered a fourth reason, as I made a long introspective FB post and my sister reminded me of our conversation about this and I deleted it: to pretend I'm writing a personal essay in The New Yorker. This one's hard to explain to non writers but I think Allison will get it. 😅
Definitely get this one!!
Thank you so so much for sharing this Jessica! I think many of us can recognize some similar patterns. I know for me not getting too many opinions has been helpful as I learn to trust myself more. xoxo A
Oh I feel ya on thinking that trauma bonding was friendship.
I should clarify I mean trauma bonding in 2 ways here. Firstly, in the traditional, "correct/actual" sense of an abuse and positive reinforcement pattern that results in extreme and unhealthy attachment. The oversharing comes in many places in the cycle - the stage where you build dependency on the abuser you're probably going hard and deep on vulnerability (sharing too much too soon and too fast) and then later when you no longer trust yourself you're oversharing with them so you can reassure yourself what you should think/do etc.
Then the colloquial, "incorrect" sense that has developed of two people with bad boundaries bonding through sharing similar traumas and ending up in an unhealthy, toxic, and/or codependent dynamic, where the oversharing is both symptom and vehicle for the toxicity.
Yes AND!! Overaharing, I've learned, is a trauma response. I used to do it, and I'm learning when and when not to. I still catch myself overexplaining sometimes. Gentle reminders to stop are helpful.
Love a gentle reminder! Thank you for sharing!! (pun unintended!) xo A
dear allison,
thank you for sharing everything that you DO!
i particularly like this sentiment: "while I have every right to share whatever I want about myself, that right doesn’t extend to sharing other people’s business. There are certain things that I know are off-limits for me to discuss and, while that can be frustrating at times, I know it is more important to maintain my personal relationships than give in to my impulse to share every detail of my life."
thank you again and much love,
myq
Thank you Myq!! Happy New Year!
I'm the opposite. I find it hard to share with people, because I wonder if they are interested in what I might have to say.
I get this as well!! So hard to find a balance.
I’m a similar over sharer and I’d say the bigger problem for me has generally been that I then assume I know everything about everyone else in my life. In college when I found out really big things that had happened to my friends that they hadn’t told me about it was kind of worldview-shifting. I still struggle when I see a bestie post about something I didn’t know about first. How could you have been training for a marathon when we talk every day? But age has given me patience and understanding. Both in not sharing everything and understanding I don’t know every piece of everyone’s life, and that’s okay.
Ooof I relate to this so much. Still working on how to feel close to someone without knowing everything about them.
I think I'm slightly ocd sometimes, I do relate to this post! I've eventually got back to my julia cameron, the artists way book and her '3 morning pages'.
They are excellent, cos it reveals things about ourselves, that we may not of thought previously, it's those glimmering moments that rephrases ideas in more depth and not only 'writing' but 'righting'? as she puts it.
I do have a tendency to need to explain myself, maybe overshare? here I go again, I was a Professional Counsellor for many years, and the thing is others think 'as a Professional we're sorted ourselves' but they forget that we're human too and need therapy sometimes as we all do!
Writing or 'righting' is therapy, when you get to the depths of it, I absolutely loved my work, but my lifelong love of writing songs is my mainstay, known or not!
Absolutely love your reflections on this!
I'm so glad!! Thanks for reading!!
Loved this post Allison 💕💕💕💕 thank you for sharing what you feel comfy sharing
Thank you for reading!! xoxo A
jeepers that was one metric fuck ton of self-absorbed twaddle. i love venting on facebook because only a handful of friends read. they know the story, how having two expensive defective kids {hip dysplasia and a 27-week preemie after a LEEEP} and choosing to be wfh medical transcriptionists so we could follow the Dead for 15 years instead of taking cushy bougie benefited jobs bankrupted our marriage early, then the goddess smited me with an avm bleed while supporting my family in a weekly rent motel.